I could feel my heart rate increase as I watched her words drift across our table, on the wings of echoes and restaurant chatter, over our pizzas, and land in my hard and sleepless brain. I could feel the strong emotions of resistance, defiance, and the hot molten eruption of a trigger.
Two days ago, my dog gave me a decent headbutt and split my right eye leaving me with a pretty purple shiner, a gash and a dizzy headache. Last night a mosquito had my left eyelid for a midnight snack and left me with a half-open slit to see out of.
“You gotta go into the message symbolism,” she said.
What am I not seeing?!!!
I notice themes coming and going, as beautiful golden threads for us to follow. As if life herself has our highest potential in her best interest. She leaves us the most delicious cookie crumbs if we are brave enough to follow, there is a reward beyond measure in that vast open space of her heart.
This month’s theme has been pain. Physical pain. Mine, and two other beings that are a part of the fabric of my soul. My dog Sigh, and Makah-Mahpee, one of the wildies I am co-caring for.
Sigh has been “diagnosed” with hip dysplasia. He’s only 6 years old, and Makah has an injured shoulder. In my eyes, it’s very severe. All my equine anatomy training points to something wrong in there. Very wrong.
Her words hit me like a stone. I felt my stomach tighten. I was teetering somewhere between worlds. My worlds. The world of Conventional Medicine, and the world of Consciousness Medicine. The latter being the one of interest, practice, and in-depth study over the course of the last 4 years.
My friend observed my default to fall back into the cushy, easy and convenient bed of pharmaceuticals and surgery. Every time I see Sigh limping. Every time he stops part way through our walk because he wants to go back to his car. Every time I see Makah limping. Every time I see Makah get pushed and run by the other horses. Every time I have to lift Sigh up into the car, or when he looks at me with those big, brown, doe-like eyes with any hint of pain, I feel my insides turn and this overwhelming feeling of helplessness and worry overcomes me.
I understand what this is doing. In the world of subtleties, my reaction that is coming from a place of fear. A room somewhere in my head that actually creates a powerful image of the worst possibilities. And then sends that picture to the animal. How is my dog supposed to heal if I keep seeing him in the light of a victim of circumstance? How is Makah supposed to heal if every time I look at him all I see is a poor lame horse? And who am I to believe that just because a body is in pain, it can’t also accept full joy? I saw some sharp arrows aiming straight at them both as projections of my own beliefs around pain and joy.
This work I am involved in has proven the power of thoughts and intention. It has proven the power of observation with no agenda. I have witnessed miracles, and yet… I have found this to be one of the most challenging assignments that the Universe has given me.
Back to our conversation at the pizza parlor…
“You present yourself as someone who knows the power of energy, but when push comes to shove, you’re drugs and surgery.”
“Why are you not able to follow the consciousness of the pain in your own body, as well as in the animals?”
Simple. Because of fear. Because of doubt in my own abilities. In doubt of of the human potential. And then, it hit me. Of course, THIS is why I have chosen to come into the world just as I am. With all the body pain. With ALL the animals that have crossed my path injured, or sick. So that I can remember the unlimited potential of the Human Being.
Another cookie crumb and perspective to change the mind from victim consciousness, to that of gratitude.
Remember. NOTHING is outside of ourselves. And nothing is an accident.
The word “victim” kept coming up. Personally, I have never thought about it or related to that word. It sounded like something the Self-Help world would use. I just didn’t get it. Until now. And THIS is where our animals hold such extraordinary power to help us see with such clarity… when, of course, we are ready.
The week following our talk, and my willingness to lean into the giant volcano that was my trigger, I began to notice all the areas in my daily life where I was victimizing those around me, myself included. I began to pay close attention to how my body would feel whenever I would take Sigh’s power away by feeling bad for him. How my power of images and Jedi focus was actually adding to his pain. Or when I would watch through parted fingers as Makah limped and I projected a state of disharmony, distrust, and again disservice to him by the constant visual images of him hurting himself even more.
We are just scratching the surface of our understanding of what the mind can do.
I began to take this issue of mine very seriously. I started doing some exercises to release memories in my self where I had “victimized” my self, and the times I had allowed others to take my power away. Where spoken worry, directed at me from a family member, would stick on me like a bunch of black slimy leeches. Where someone had told me I could not heal myself. A realization of belief systems that were limiting and promoted contradiction, rather than nurturing the great What Ifs…? and total body congruence. I began to develop a friendship with my own body pain and asked it to guide me. What did it need? Did it have a story for me? I began to also do this with Sigh’s body and Makah’s body. It didn’t take much time, and right away there were notable changes.
As our emotions evolve, so must our language, and as our language evolves, so must our emotions, and this is why it is crucial to have awareness of language and emotional intelligence. I needed to find it in me somewhere to be emotionally unbound to Sigh, Makah, and my body, so that I could be a clear and neutral observer. And I had to be diligent with the words I chose to use around this precious time of healing. Then and only then did I begin to expect the miracle of cellular regeneration.
Language holds frequencies that turn into images. These frequencies can be projected, and if we are careful and mindful, we can get out of the way so the body can heal itself. If all I see is a broken shoulder and injured hips, knowing fully the power of thought, then this is what I will help create.
We must KNOW with every single cell in our body that we are meant to heal. If this is the second coming of Christ, if this is the coming of the Age of Aquarius, then we MUST know that this is what it looks like. We must take responsibility and scrub ourselves clean of any stifling beliefs. At first it’s chaos, then it looks like a bunch of random miracles. Then we realize, that we are the ones with eyes clear enough to finally see that miracles are in everything.
As I settled in to write about this very topic, Makah came into the barn where I sat. He turned and stood directly in front of me showing me his shoulder to have a discussion about it.
“Do you really think I can’t heal myself?” he asked me. “Do you not see my wisdom? Do you not understand your own gifts? Here… I’ll show you…”
He then proceeded to share images of his shoulder healing itself. He showed me his own guidance and purpose for the injury. That he wanted to have an anchor to this world, and that anchor for him was the experience of what it was like to FEEL the intensity of his injury. That my feeling “sorry” for him was impeding his recovery. He showed me through colors and shapes, as he walked me through an experiment of visualizations and observation. This included a beautiful gift of a specific frequency/color that he showed me later while I was in the shower. It came as an image of Sigh’s femur, and the whole of the hip socket was lit up with a color that I have no words for. It was somewhere between a brilliant violet, and an indigo blue. The flash was so quick, however the image left an imprint in my memory. He told me to use this color whenever I might go into feeling bad for them, and imagine both their areas of concern in THIS frequency. And every time I go into doubting my skills, just remember this color and image.
As our exchange processed, landed, and shifted my stubborn mind and heavy heart, I stopped seeing him as a victim. I began to see him as a mighty strong warrior, as my friend Jini suggested I do.
Yesterday, Makah showed me how much the work I had been doing on myself was helping him. He showed me twice by letting me see him playing with his friends. I watched him glide across the field with hardly a limp, and instead of being in fear that he was going to hurt himself, I was filled with awe and my heart nearly exploded with joy.
As for Sigh, I think I have a bit more to go. I have spent the last 6 years entwined in his story of injury and pain. I have seen his x-rays and watched him hurt himself so many times that it feels as though the belief systems are glued to my brain with some highly resistant adhesive. I realize that all beings have their own journey, and the one sure way we can help is to be in full support of them. All agendas aside.
I can’t help but ask if these injuries are helping clear residue from the mysterious world of Karma. I can’t help but ask if my interfering with their process actually has a much larger influence on their soul’s journey than I can understand at this time.
Do I practice showing up every day expecting miracles, or is this miracle an agenda of mine and mine alone?
I will continue to do my work to reach that level of mastery in honoring their journey in absolution, as well as trusting the clarity of information the animals share. I will stay with Sigh’s process and trust that he if wants surgery, I will be clear enough to hear him.
So many questions that only experience, curiosity, and intent can answer.
Special stories and experiences from fellow horse listeners