One thing I’ve always been honest about on this blog, is the number of things that go wrong – fairly regularly! I also usually wait to share the story until I’ve come out the other side, and have some clarity about what happened and why. Today I’ve got a new story, but I’d also like to share with you my protocol, my SOP (standard operating procedure), for when the shit hits the fan.
SO… I jackknifed my horse trailer backing it up (after spending a couple of hours getting Kaliah loaded into the trailer) and busted through the passenger side of my rear window.
Glass everywhere, and I spent the rest of the day filing my insurance claim, cleaning up, cancelling my trip, and getting the window taped up at the auto body shop so the electrics wouldn’t get damaged by rain.
So what meaning/message do I assign to events like this? If everything in my universe is happening by me, for me, then where do I put something like this?
For me, it starts with trust. That everything happens for a reason… Sometimes because the universe/divine/my higher self has a better plan.
Sometimes because I am carrying an energy pattern or belief that is causing this, or attracting this (can also be karmic). So this may be a signpost for me, to lean in and do my work in this aspect. That’s where a technique like Lazer Tapping comes in real handy:
(tapping on the karate chop point on the fleshy outside of the hand)
Even though I’ve totally screwed up
I don’t know why this has happened to me
I don’t know the meaning of this
I don’t know the purpose
How am I involved in creating this?
What could I have done differently to avoid this?
Nonetheless, I choose to deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway…
I’m taking those emotions and beginning to run them through my energy meridians. Instead of contracting or armouring, I’m going into the pain and putting everything into flow – for healing, understanding, release, and enlightenment.
Lazer Tapping and journalling are always key practices for me to be able to lean in and gain a better understanding of what’s really happening. I can’t heal it or transform it until I know what it is!
The other important element at play, is resilience. As our world becomes more and more chaotic, we are collectively realizing the illusions of safety we have hidden behind. As more becomes unknown and unstable, the best way to not devolve into fear, is to cultivate resilience. Actively cultivate and develop resilience.
So at the very least, this is yet another opportunity to practice and strengthen the muscles of my resilience! Do I become emotionally volatile and reactive? Do I attack or blame others? Or do I take the time to really sit with my emotions as they arise – guilt, anger, shame, frustration etc. – and allow them to be wholly felt throughout my body and move through me, rather than suppressing and being unconsciously reactive or defensive? Do I choose to trust myself that my heart and body can handle my emotions? That it is safe to feel – I will not crumple into a pool of anxiety and hopelessness, but by supporting myself to go deeper, I will become wiser and more reliable to myself. I’ve got myself, we will rise again, we will figure it out.
Do I take the time to breathe? To sit in silence and ground myself and connect into my deeper wisdom. Do I choose to face difficult truths within myself, or to have difficult conversations that need to be had?
I had shot a livestream with Kaliah, Aude and Zorra the day before this attempted trip up to the ranch. At that point, it looked like Aude was the one ready to go, and all the signs were looking good. The energy was feeling good.
The morning of my attempt, Aude had come into the arena first and we’d done about 45 minutes of trailer practice – with her coming half in the trailer and backing out again calmly, numerous times.
However, Kaliah had also wanted to go in there and was looking on with great interest:
But Aude either could not, or would not, take those final two steps and get fully on. I asked her if she wanted to wear a halter and she said yes. So I haltered her and immediately felt we should go for a walk, she moved off happily with me as we circled the ring road around the barn. As the trailer came back into view, I saw that Kaliah had gone up to the trailer. So I called out to my barn helper Natalie, to go ahead and see if Kaliah wanted to get in. She did indeed and then I walked over and calmly closed the doors as Natalie slipped out.
I drove the trailer out onto the road and down the hill to the turn-around area. As I was backing up and turning the trailer around, I jacknifed the tongue of the trailer (gooseneck) into my rear window. How were we going to drive 7 hours at high speeds, possibly through rain or hail, with a shattered window spewing glass shards? Kaliah was restless and kicking a bit inside the trailer.
I called my husband Ian to meet me near our house with duct tape, but when he saw the damage he said it would be crazy to attempt the journey and if rain got in, I could damage the electrics (my truck has an electric rear slider window). Add that to the fact that I had only slept a few hours – I decided he was right and we needed to abort mission. Bless him, Ian drove the rig back to the barn and backed it up to the front pasture gate, so we could easily unload Kaliah back in with her mates.
Natalie had been pushing hard for us to just tape it up and go – not just because we had a horse on board, but because she really wanted to attend the Circle Workshop at the ranch in 2 days time! I was also supposed to bring all the Art Kits, snacks, teas, desserts and 1 meal for the workshop. There was a lot of pressure/reasons for me to drive up to the ranch for this workshop.
But here’s the rub – my body did not want to go. Because my body IS my subconscious. My body is the densest part of my soul. That’s why I hardly slept the night before, and why I created an ‘accident’ to prevent me from driving off. As I followed my Shit Show Protocol and went IN to my emotions and tapped through my thoughts and feelings, I remembered that I had told Güliz months ago that I didn’t feel I should be present during the workshop. My intuition had been that it would be best if she were alone with the herd and participants, without my energy being present. That the experience would be more powerful if I wasn’t there, because then my horses wouldn’t tag to my energy – they would connect fully with Güliz. Having me there would be like interference on a CB radio.
However, Güliz didn’t feel the same way as me, and then as the workshop drew closer she asked for my help with various logistics, and I said yes. Because that’s my default setting! My knee-jerk reaction is to always try to help if I can – especially with family or good friends. I’d had several niggling thoughts and feelings as time progressed, but I brushed them aside, telling myself that I had to help, because there was no one else. So I pretty much forced my body to make an executive decision, which it did.
Was I going to try and drive up again the following day? Or was I going to continue to lean in, do my work, and have difficult conversations with Güliz and Natalie?
I felt so bad phoning Güliz to say I was not coming! She’d had a lot of stress recently and now I was bailing on her and going to increase her stress – I felt so guilty. But I also didn’t want to have a car accident or some other ‘hard no’ if I attempted to make the trip. Well, when I called Güliz she was not upset at all, and affirmed that we needed to trust that all was as it was meant to be. We quickly figured out the art stuff and food issues and she repeated that the workshop would be amazing and all was in perfect time.
When I phoned Natalie, she panicked a bit, then tried to see if her grandpa wanted to drive up with her in his car, but he couldn’t find anyone to take care of his cats, so then she gave up. She then rallied later and decided she would drive up alone in her car (even though she was worried it couldn’t handle the logging road) and she would swing by my house and pick up all the food and art stuff!
Natalie will tell you herself that she doesn’t do well when plans change suddenly. But here she was, pivoting on a dime, and then doing something she was scared of – but that would make her world bigger. Now that’s resilience! And how are things going without me there? Here’s my text convo with Natalie after the first day of the workshop:
So just in case you need this in future, here’s what I do when things go south…
Jini’s Shit-Show Protocol
1. Give yourself the time and space to actually feel everything that you’re feeling, including the super negative stuff and the confusion and the guilt and every other emotion or aspect that arises connected to your current situation or state of being.
2. Use a variety of methods to gather more information about your situation and possible options that might exist, that you don’t know about yet. Do tons of research on the Internet. Talk to people you trust. Ask for a dream for guidance. Use oracle or medicine cards and ask for guidance. Try to find stories or books written by people who have reached a similar crisis, or crossroads point in their life, and take in their stories.
3. Give yourself permission to admit you may have made a mistake. Own where you are feeling bad or guilty about your decisions or actions. Stop trying to make excuses or justify your position or situation. Giving yourself permission to say, “I fucked up,” or “These are all the things I didn’t realize, and so I made the wrong decision,” is incredibly powerful. Give yourself permission to feel like a loser, to feel useless, to feel completely lost and alone. Recognize that acknowledging and feeling these states is what enables you to ultimately move through them… you will not be stuck here! Do not be afraid of your own feelings and judgments.
Write them down or verbalize them or just allow them to exist and own them within a framework of compassion for yourself. Even the most successful people on this planet have made multiple mistakes and multiple sub-optimal choices… why should you be any different?
4. Journal about all your realizations, emotions, and options. Or talk to a trusted friend, or record a voice memo to yourself. Whichever method helps you organize and gain clarity and peace in your process.
5. Throw your intention out to the universe to open a third alternative. This is the solution that has never been thought of before. This is the option that never existed before, but that is the alternative to the current either/or scenario in front of you. Every day affirm this intention and be on the lookout for it to arrive. Also recognize that you may not have the entire solution laid out in front of you, but simply the very next step. Often with complex situations the only thing that must be known is the very next step. Because after you action that thing, maybe three more possibilities open up. But until you action that very next step, nothing else can open up before you.
6. Sometimes there is nothing to be done, or actioned, other than to just accept what happened and glean the lessons from your learning curve. You can choose to have a life full of mistakes, or you can choose to have a life full of learning curves that contribute to the expansion of your capabilities, wisdom and efficiency. You get to choose the frame for your snapshot of this current life experience. You get to choose the stories you tell yourself about your journey.
Every shit show is an opportunity for growth; of awareness and resilience at the very least. I choose not to get stuck in guilt, blame, drama, reactivity, negativity… but to feel the feels, and allow my emotions and this event to be an opportunity for my growth and expansion.
Everything that occurs is either already on the pathway to my highest good, or can be transformed into my highest good. This concept is present in many of our religions, for example: “All things work together for good for those that love the Lord.” Namaste 🙏🏽