Horses Help Me Heal Generational Lines of Dysfunction

There is a massive shift that takes place when we agree to facilitate the healing of generational dysfunction for our family line. Our tissues, bones, cells release the genetic memory, or generational belief systems, that may act as if they are protecting us from something we actually no longer needed protection from. Guilt and past traumas can also be released, along with the outdated ancestral belief systems. It seems that once we reach a certain level of strength and functionality, generational issues come forth to be released through us – because we can.

I remember one day a few years ago, I was at the barn when one of my barn helpers was there. I found myself muttering irritatedly to myself about everything this barn helper was doing wrong, how inefficient they were, they were slow, a bit thick, a “lafra” (Gujarati slang word for ‘useless/time-waster’). All of a sudden I stopped near a slow feeder in the paddock, looked around, and thought, ‘What the heck is going on here?? These are not my words, this doesn’t sound like me…’ Montaro came over to stand beside me and I felt a ringing in my left ear. As I dropped into meditative state, Montaro began licking my left palm.

Montaro & Me

I realized, these are my father’s words… and his father… and his father… and so on. This was a negative energy or dysfunction that came down my paternal line. Obviously, this was the time to go into all the threads of this energy strand and offer them up for healing. I did a combination of energy work, breath work, and Lazer Tapping, while Montaro worked on/with me. At the end of my impromptu healing session, Montaro moved to rhythmically lick the palm of my right hand. It felt like he was doing the final energy cleansing and then closure-release of that paternal dysfunction and negativity.

But wait, if it was a paternal line (masculine), why did it come through my left hand (feminine)? Ah, because when I followed the paternal line back, way back, I found myself in another incarnation, where I was the mother who started it all. Then I had to do some Lazer Tapping to forgive myself and release all judgment. Ho’oponopono works really well in those instances too.

When we do this deep work for our ancestral lines, we not only free ourselves from these negative patterns, but we free our entire family line. I always invoke, ‘for all generations back and all generations forward.’

Ancestral trauma & the physical body

Another time, I was training a new barn helper, and he had arrived a few minutes before me and had gone in with the herd. As I walked into the paddock, he showed me a big red mark on his right calf, and said, “Montaro bit me.”

2-yr-old Montaro bites Jax

I looked aghast at Montaro — “What?? You’ve never bitten anyone!” Montaro said to me, “He has an entity attached to that leg. Remove it. Or he can’t be here.” Oh lord. I pondered for a moment or two – I have no idea what this poor guy’s belief systems are, or his religion, he’s either going to think I’m bonkers or frightening… As Montaro looked at me sideways through half-cast eyelids, I said to the guy, “Ummm, so… Montaro says you have an entity attached to your leg and we have to remove it if you want to help out here.” He looked at Montaro, looked at me, and said, “What’s an entity?”

Well I just plunged right in then and the poor guy barely said a word until I told him, “This negative energy is coming from your paternal line. Does your Dad or grandfather have any issues with their legs?”

“Well my Dad has had something wrong with his leg for ages, he can’t walk normally, but no one knows what it is.”

“Which leg is it?” I asked.

“The right leg!”

After dealing with and releasing the entity from his leg, and his generational line (all generations forward, all generations back), we got back to barn chore training. When he showed up the following day for training, he couldn’t wait to tell me that he’d talked to his parents and found out that his grandfather had also had issues with his right leg for most of his life!

We may be completely unaware of these generational issues, traumas, or dysfunctions – but the horses can see them plain as day in our energy field. As we deepen our trust and intimacy with our equines, and we get better at listening to them and our own intuition, so much more can be brought forward into the light for healing.

Montaro & Jini (c) Linda Bickerton Ross
Horses Help Me Heal Generational Lines of Dysfunction

26 thoughts on “Horses Help Me Heal Generational Lines of Dysfunction

  • February 28, 2021 at 8:56 am

    Again and again and again! Our worlds intersect! The part about Montaro is really astounding and it reconfirms so much of how I feel
    about trusting in something you don’t actually know!
    This whole blog post is just so perfect for me at this exact time…so common these days! It is amazing! I so appreciate you pointing out all the good! I have been really focused on this recently! When life throws you chaos how can you spin it to see all the good?

    Well even though our happenings are very different we too had a high adrenaline incidents that rocked us a bit! So I had sent Jini some images of our new family member we came together with January 8th his name is Roofus! He is a Red Bone Hound from a rescue! He is aged between 1-2 and has already been teaching me refined energy work…as I am way to strong for him and he’s showing me I need way more internal control of my energy projection! Joker my sons dog has been helping me tremendously with showing Roofus I am ok and that most the things he is unsure of (electric golf cart and the motorized Polaris rides …& other non dog stuff) can actually be quite fun! Well he started to leave the 12 acre property a couple of weeks ago! After his jaunts he does come back if I don’t find him first! We were not sure how he was getting out? We figured he was pushing through our two horse designed decorative split rod iron gates …so my husband welded a piece on it so that it would be very hard to push through again! But then he got out again and I just knew he was climbing through the horses stomach where there was a big round open circle! So I told my husband what happened and he went down and did a temporary patch job until he had time to weld some pieces in the stomach part to close the gap! Roofus is very big so we were amazed he was able to fit! Then Two nights ago I jumped in the shower and my husband sees Roofus head down towards the gate…so he decided to watch him to make sure he couldn’t get out of the patch job he had just done and to make sure he wasn’t getting out any other way? Well he sees him poking and pawing at different sections and then he hears him start howling in distress! He flies down to the gate in his Polaris as he had been watching from inside the house and our front gate is a good distance down! Roofus had impaled his lower leg on one of the pieces of rod iron that was very sharp! My husband couldn’t get him unstuck and of course Roofus is screaming in agony and panicking! My husband took off his sweatshirt and threw it over Roofus head (so he wouldn’t get bit) and had to lift his whole body up to get his leg unstuck! In the meantime my husband had just took a shower too so he was in his night time lounge wear and his pants were falling down (yeah no undies) so he’s trying to get our 90lb hound impaled on the gate off and his man bits are dangling! In retrospect kind of funny for me (especially if you knew my husband) but I know my husband was not laughing! Anyway he has to leave the dog at the gate profusely bleeding and come get me out of the shower to help! Fortunately I have come to a place of handling these situations much better then I use to! I got his collar and leash on and encouraged his three legs to slowly but surely walk him up to the house! We muzzled him and then bandaged the hole and got him into bed! Fortunately he is an amazing patient and used all the trust he has built up for us to allow us to help him….without to much struggle! The next morning we took the bandage off and his paw was swelled really bad! I am not a Vet kind of person so I decided to leave the wound open and by the end of the day yesterday the swelling was way down and even the hole was already looking so much better! He is still not weight bearing on the leg but he is eating drinking peeing and pooping and even managed to three leg hobble around twice yesterday and go as far as he felt he could! Farther then I thought he should but he is the boss! This morning he is doing very well and we will continue to let him decide his recovery!
    So let’s point out all the good! Obviously my husband stopping and taking the time to watch him so he could immediately jump into action to help him! The fact that it was my husband and not me as I know I would not of been strong enough to get him off the fence myself! My husband said he barely could! The fact we were both home so we could support each other and use each of our strengths to help the situation! The fact that Roofus is not a Dr soul (that’s what we call them) so he is taking care of his injury but not over doing it! My last dog Gus Gus was a Dr soul and would not of left the injury alone? Not sure if that is ideal? The fact that Roofus is monitoring himself so well and not over or under doing moving around! I had also been lead to a new way (IMO a more species appropriate feeding protocol for Roofus) of feeding dogs …through the horses of course …about three weeks ago…so I feel the knowledge I learned from that site is helping me make decisions from a place that resonates with me! I don’t agree with all they say but a lot of it I do and I know the body has a very unique way of healing itself and that modern medicine can hinder this a lot! This is a very serious injury and if he does not continue to improve I would take him to the Vet but so far we are listening to Roofus and he is healing himself! With a ton of love and support from us! I know this might seem controversial to so many and I can completely understand that but I have to walk my own path and this is what feels right …right now! It could change at anytime! I was actually wavering a bit yesterday and wondering if I am doing the right thing and I was sent several signs in a row! First I turned on the music to lighten my heart and head …and the second song that came on was Captain and Teniles…Love will keep us together! I had just told my husband we need to help Roofus heal with love! I truly believe we can heal through love! Then I went out to throw away the trash and right on top of the trash was a pamphlet with a wolf on it! My husband had cleaned our office out a week ago and I had this pamphlet from a wolf rescue from like 15 years ago he threw away and it was right on top staring at me like follow the way of the wolf Mother Nature knows how to heal herself! Then I come back in and I am a Happy Man (a country song ) was playing! Basically about feeling grateful for all you have! I know this is a stretch for a lot of people but for the way I was feeling it was all extreme confirmation that I am doing the right thing right now! If that changes I will be open to listening to what I need to do! We will also be welding a metal mesh lining on the entire fence so that Roofus can not get hurt by it again! Thanks Jini some how some way you and this group seem to always support me! ✌🏼💚🐴

    • February 28, 2021 at 8:41 pm

      Hey Michelle, I posted the pics – for some reason your pics are always .jpeg and this system will only accept .jpg

      So I just save the pics, change the filename, and voila! They upload no problem.

      Your story about your hubby actually had me laughing out loud – oh lord, the visual!!! Awesome.

      And so great that you’re having the confidence to allow Roofus to direct his healing. If he asks for help to curb infection, I have used wild oregano oil on my dogs numerous times – it’s antiviral, antibacterial, antifungal and somewhat antiparasitic. So it’s a great broad-spectrum. He’ll let you know if he wants some on there. And love the signs you got! That’s the thing about signs, they only have to make sense or be meaningful to us 🙂

    • March 3, 2021 at 6:37 am

      Hi Michelle. Thank you for sharing this. I find it absolutely amazing/unbelievable/extraordinary that you didn’t take Roofus to the vet with that wound. I mean in what state of mind/being/control were you at that moment? Cause logic/or fear/or panic(?) would seem to direct us to the vet in this scenario, but you didn’t. I find that so … intriguing… because you acted on spot. No time for meditation or communication etc…

      • March 6, 2021 at 8:42 am

        Hello Daniela

        First of all I read your other comments and I am figuring based on your moms age that your are in your late teens or early twenties? This is amazing to me that you would react to my story with so much intrigue? Not putting you down for your age you just sound like such a wise soul and I love learning how evolved our youth is!
        It really felt Ike you were genuinely curious without judgement! I myself am going to be 52 this month! I have had dogs my entire life and have had to deal with some stressful situations with them throughout the years! So I have some experience to help when things like this happen! A few years back Gus Gus died! My heart hound that was 12! He had been sick for quite awhile and I knew the end was coming and I actually knew the day before he was going to die …within a day or two! Well I woke up very early in the morning to find him laying outside in the dark just around the corner from our bedroom diene! We have a doggy he had went out! Instead of cherishing the last few minutes/hours my husband and I panicked and rushed to lift him in the car to drive him 1/2 hour away (closest Vet) to have him put down! He died in the car…😞…I was so upset I didn’t just relax and help him pass with my love and support wrapped around him! I vowed to him that in the future I would not make rash frantic decisions…especially with the animals I share life with!
        So when this happened to Roofus I wanted to at least give him until the next morning to see how he was doing? He was already not ok with strange people (being an abused rescue) so taking him to the Vet would of been adding more trauma to his already very scary painful ordeal! They would of sedated him (poison) administered antibiotics (poison) gave him pain killers (poison) and then closed a wound that probably needed to stay open to drain and get rid of any funk! I did not want his body to have any extra toxins to hinder his healing! Again I know this is not a common way of thinking …especially in this ultra modern world where so many people are almost addicted to Drs! I am personally not! I don’t take pharmaceutical medication and I know that my ailments are self induced because of me! So medication is only a cover/band aid not a solution! I have seen images and read stories of the horses that live untouched by man having horrific injuries and healing themselves! So since Roofus is a strong healthy soul I wanted to give him the chance to heal on his own not pumped full of drugs! I would of given him some CBD for pain as I have it for Banner but my intuition said pain relief will only allow him to do more then he should! He was not crying out in pain so I stayed the course!
        Fast forward to one week post injury!
        Roofus is now weight bearing…so exciting! The wound has went through some funky looking stages and I was very worried Wednesday night but my inner voice kept saying very strongly stay the course stay the course! Thursday he was lightly using the leg by the afternoon and the wound had filled in more and even started to scab a bit! This has not been easy and it’s hard to not feel the huge pull to go the conventional route but with feeding Roofus species appropriate foods and observing and monitoring him 24/7 (I work from home) I feel this has been a huge confirmation that I can trust in my inner knowing and when I was scared just search my soul to find support and confirmation! My husband was also very supportive after we had a few rational conversations about it! At first he was like hurry we have to get him to the Vet and I said no! I will post some follow up pics of the wound in the next few weeks so you can see the progression of his healing!
        Thanks for your interest and I appreciate your questions!

        • March 6, 2021 at 4:50 pm

          I am 26 🙂 and well, it really got me cause I can’t imagine what I would do in similar situation! Honestly, I am learning new stuff with LTYH. What got me was one video where Makah hurt himself when Jini got him and she left him heal on his own. That got me thinking that of course it’s normal/natural – how would wild animals survive otherwise? That’s why I am open minded to this and truly wanted to know how you managed to make that decision. It makes sense – experience, lots of it.
          I don’t agree with pills. I, myself, got to the point where I don’t go for painkillers as I used to when I get a headache. Instead I FEEL the pain, process it, acknowledge it and it somehow goes away…(I read about it in some book so I tried it). Maybe that’s how animals do that. Plus they do much more than just numbing the pain, so I’ll take your lesson and try to apply it (hopefully won’t have to) in the future. 🙂

          Also… I don’t know if this might help, but reading your story with Gus Gus this crossed my mind: he knew what you were about to do and he chose to pass away in a natural way with you regardless of your state of being. He felt your love and care. That was his preference and I find that beautiful <3

          I wish to share this very close to my heart with you… In June 2020 our lovely golden retriever Megi passed away. She was almost 13 yo and dad was updating me on her health as time went by. Because she was already an older dog when I came to Canada, I didn't want to risk bringing her with me, so she stayed with my family in Europe. She started to loose weight, appetite, then she got some injections from the vet to boost her appetite and started to eat, but I knew I wouldn't get to see her again. I hoped for it, but felt it wouldn't happen. That's when I started actively trying to connect with her – thanks a lot to Jini's videos and everyone involved – that's when I started to peak into animal communication. I felt the need to connect with Megi, love has been very strong, so I went for it. Feeling weird at first, but then it would get easier and felt real. I asked dad to buy her this type of toy that spills some yummy pieces – I figured she could handle that. And she liked it (got a photo). Then I got a photo of her from my brother where she looked super skinny – not a pleasant look – the kind that makes your stomach shrinks and gets tears in your eyes. I tried to talk to her asking if we would see each other again and I didn't get a response. It felt like she knew that I knew…. So I started sending her messages that I don't want her to suffer and if she chooses to go I am ok with that, that I want what's best for her. Weeks went by and one day (I remember it as if it was yesterday) we were in a beautiful park in Montreal next to a river planting trees (my summer job), people passing by with their dogs and I felt at peace as I didn't in a super long time. I felt present, appreciative of life. Every dog that passed by made me thinking of Megi and that made me happy. There was this girl walking her (I believe it was a pug) dog off leash and that pup stopped next to me and my colleague. She didn't want to follow the girl at all. (I believe it was a 'she'). She paid no attention to my colleague which was already strange because he is a nice person. That pug would just stand there and look at me with an absolutely lovely/smiling face. For couple of seconds. There was something super unusual about the whole regular dog behaviour. The girl really wanted the pup to follow her, so I started slowly running towards the girl, her following me and we split. Magical experience.
          A week after that I called my dad on my way to work and he asked me if I read the message. Well, I obviously didn't and I am glad I didn't. Dad told me that Megi was gone. She got to the point where she couldn't even stand up (and she always kept trying, but at that point that was it). They took her to the vet to put her down. What got me worried when dad said that …well there is a lot as my family "doesn't talk to dogs". But he continued: they DISCUSSED it first with my grandma (who was another care-taker of Megi). They did! And I couldn't feel more grateful for that! Dad was describing me how he kept looking in Megi's eyes and he could tell that she was in pain, tired… At that point I knew, I KNEW that Megi talked to him and he LISTENED! What a blessing! Without any intervention on my side, my dad who is more of a conservative-thinking person acted on intuition. He took her to the vet, and before she got the first – sleeping – injection he was there with her, singing to her, telling her how amazing girl she was, thanking her for being a part of our family, bringing joy and happiness…Until she fell asleep and then he left, couldn't stay there for the second shot.
          That morning when my mom went to work, she did something unusual as well. Before she got in the car, she said goodbye to Megi.
          I cried on the street (like a baby) on the phone, some nice people walking their dog (look at that!) asked if I was ok, that doggy just looked at me for couple of seconds which in that painful moment made me smile through tears – I somehow got the feel that dogs help us by being connected with each other. And I treasure the memory of the pug, cause I feel/know it wasn't a coincidence. Maybe Megi was saying goodbye, when she saw that I was doing fine (emotionally/spiritually) as I expected not to see her again.

          I thank you so much for your stories! Much to learn from them! And I am happy to hear Roofus is doing much better! Maybe he needed a lesson that would teach him not to climb on the gate?

          Sending a lot of love xoxo

          • March 7, 2021 at 6:42 pm

            Hello again
            Don’t know how much you have read on this blog but Jini talks about controlling pain and her dentistry procedures! I will let her speak on this if she wants to share ? That is truly fascinating to me as I have experienced pain …no meds during my sons delivery, but have not had any medical/dental procedures that normally would need pain relief! I do have a high pain tolerance but I would be interested in understanding pain better?
            After seeing the place he injured himself on and seeing the depth of the wound I felt Roofus must of been in pain? He did show obvious signs when he was impaled and one time the second day he put his leg down and he whimpered once only that I heard?
            He also had a very extreme heart rate when it happened as I could feel it when we were bandaging his wound and then a twitch in his shoulder for about 3-4 days post injury…not sure what that represented?
            I mean something is telling him not to use the leg for the whole week after… is that pain..if so they experience/process it differently then we do? It’s all fascinating to me!

            Your story about your Golden Retriever touched me as the first dogs I shared life with after starting life out on my own (leaving my parents home) were a male and female GR!
            Tosha and Banchee they lived until 14&15! They were my life! They helped me survive my 20s and supported me through a lot of depression! I talked of other experiences with dog injuries Tosha once swallowed a hook that was in some bait a fisherman left…it happened while I was out boating with a few girlfriends! My husband had to leave work drive a 1/2 hour to get her from the beach we were on and we took her another 20 minutes away to a Vet so he could remove the hook! She was gagging and choking on it the whole time! It was very stressful! I must say that Vet …who was in a more rural area was great and it was one of my more positive Vet encounters!
            I enjoyed reading about your experience with Megis passing and am glad you felt lead to share! The support of the other dog was so endearing! Animals are extraordinary and I think the more people connect and relate to animals and all of Nature the better the earth and the human race will be! ✌🏼💚🐴

          • March 7, 2021 at 8:12 pm

            I would call that a GOOD death – where everyone in your family was moved just that little bit further along the pathway to wholeness. I’m sure Megi is very pleased with how it all went. xox

  • February 28, 2021 at 3:26 pm

    Hey folks,
    I have been having a very challenging time the last few months. It started with me falling over the fence and re injuring my knee that was # and nearly completely better. Luckily I didnt re fracture it, only soft tissue damage phew!
    Then I found a python on my couch which the cats alerted me to. So I had to wrangle it into a pillowcase! It took me a couple of hours to settle down after that one!!! It got relocated the next day to a safer place.

    Then few weeks after that 2 of my dogs got out Griz and Sal while I was in town the whole day. Luckily a farmer found them. My old girl Sal 12.5yrs had been attacked by wild dogs and was covered in blood and in shock so it was rescue remedy for both of us and off to the vet for sutures as her ear was ripped badly. It was lucky Griz was with her and protected her.
    Then one of my cats got very sick with urinary blockage and in a bad way, he had to be put down as I couldn’t afford the treatment (which wouldve been humugous) as the week before I had Pip my youngest dog spayed.
    So at the moment I am grieving big time and trying to keep my shit together. I think the grief is not only for my dear Bronszy but other things as well. That’s about as much as I can see at the mo.
    I know there are other lessons in it all, I just can’t see them at the moment so any insights would be very welcome.
    I am so grateful this community exists as I feel like I am not alone in all the latest dramas.
    Thankyou for all you do and share.
    Big hugs
    Erin 💚🌳🐎

    • February 28, 2021 at 8:49 pm

      Do you have any medicine cards, or oracle cards Erin? I always find those useful when I’m swimming about in a sea of possibilities. When I’ve been in periods like you’ve described, here are some of the questions I’ll ask the cards (you can ask your bible or any spiritual text too):

      – Is this mayhem reflecting back my internal vibration (energy field)? i.e. is the universe just sending back to me what I’m holding and giving out?

      – What is the message from my knee?

      – Why did my dogs take off and get attacked?

      – Is there a negative energy or entity involved here that I need to remove/release?

      – Should I have tried other remedies before putting Bronszy down?

      – Does Bronszy have a message for me?

      Of course, the more you can get calm and quiet your mind, or meditate, before doing medicine cards, the better response you can get – esp if you’re ‘choosing’ a card.

      But if you can’t quiet your mind at all, then a trick I use is to just shuffle and hold the intention that when a card falls out (or flips out) as I’m shuffling, then that is The Card.

      Hope that helps! And sending you much love xox

  • February 28, 2021 at 3:56 pm

    ps. I am also struggling with guilt over putting cat down as I wonder if I should have tried other natural remedies or something first.. I let the urgency of the situ and his extreme pain dictate my actions which I am so sorry about as I couldve mbe done it different.
    He was an amazing cat, everyone loved him.
    I am so sad. 😭

  • February 28, 2021 at 11:34 pm

    Thanks so much Jini! I do have some cards and I’ll ask the questions.
    I gave the guilt the flick btw! not helpful at all. It kinda snuck up on me in the midst of the
    Erin xo

    • March 3, 2021 at 12:39 am

      Keep me posted if you feel like sharing 🙂 xox

  • March 3, 2021 at 6:53 am

    Hello Jini. Reading your post (super interesting) it got me thinking that maybe my lack of confidence is generational? I was considering this possibility before – I know that my mom struggled with that (I use past tense cause she seems to be doing much better now in her 40s, but I can’t really be sure if it’s completely gone). At fist I thought I might be subject to conditioning through observing that as a child, you know some character-based habits that get to us based on habits of people we live with for long time… But also I thought about this generational issue. One family friend told me few years back that she (family friend, not mom) did clean her line and I didn’t fully understand it like I did but I didn’t. That’s why I am considering this now. Is there a bit more specific way how to figure out if my traumas from the past and present are connected to the past and how to heal it?

    ooo 🙂

    • March 3, 2021 at 10:54 pm

      Oh the synchronicities! This exact topic came up in our Lazer Tapping live support session today! You could use medicine cards/oracle cards to gain some clarity. And you can also book a session with someone like Juliet who is super intuitive, can see energy patterns, attachments etc. and can connect/talk with dead people. You can book for a person session (without the herd) with her here: xox

  • March 6, 2021 at 9:24 am

    I’m going to give you a series of short stories that will come together; just wait for it!

    In December, during prayer and meditation sessions, I was trying out referring to God as Dad. My own father was a child in war torn Germany. He came to America and had twelve children, “In case of an epidemic.” As an infant, I was rejected by him because during my first six months of life, there was something wrong with me. I didn’t gain a pound and looked like a starving refugee. This lack of bonding spread throughout the family; so even though I eventually did heal from whatever the milady was, I grew up as a family-less child in a big family—a ghost among the living. All my life I spent enormous time and energy looking for a father and a family and was always trying to connect. Now 63 years later, last December, I thought, “Well, dad was a bust, maybe God can be my dad.” That was my plan, not the Universe’s plan and as the Universe does, everything stopped moving forward as I tried to fix it.

    In January, my biological father passed away. As my siblings began to tell stories about him and their relationships and times with him, I felt the old sadness that I couldn’t join them in their memory paths. The fact that he called each of them before his death hurt and just felt cold even though I’ve long accepted that I did not exist for him. He was 93 and upon hearing that he died, my first thought was how I wished we could have met on some level of understanding but then I accepted that it just wasn’t possible and tried to move on.

    A few weeks after he died, I was in a dream/wake state when I saw a very old man approaching me. But he could not get close enough to be able to talk with me. I thought, “Was this my God/dad; why can’t They talk with me???” I’ve been in a strange kind of funk ever since. Meditations have been hard, and I feel so let down in the spiritual realm. But even though I’ve felt left out of my normal close relationship with God; I intellectually know They love me unconditionally. So, I sit in this knowledge without feelings attachment….a dark night of the soul.

    My body has been showing sickness, too, in my bowels there is such a continuous upset. So much so that I can’t leave the house, or rather, the bathroom. And my relationships with my own four children have been a roller coaster ride. There is turmoil everywhere! And, I have been in a stasis mode; unable to move forward anywhere.

    Day before yesterday, my oldest sister, who was dad’s favorite child, writes to me and says that during a meditation state, “…. I became aware of dad, I “saw” him, not with my eyes, but a spiritual “seeing.” I understood that he was seeing his whole life, but with God’s perspective. He saw how he was formed by his parents in their woundedness, and by the war, and by his own choices. He saw how the things he did affected others, and the ways that he hurt them, especially us, his children…..But, here’s the thing! All during this, he was completely wrapped in the love, and mercy, and – most especially – the compassion of God. So, while he was confronted with the awfulness of his sin, he was so loved that it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. When it was over, dad was radiant! ………….. Dad then turned to me and somehow, I was able to know how very sorry he was for hurting us. He wanted me to know that, if we would accept it, God would allow him a special favor. He may be a father to us now, in a way he never could while he was here with us on earth. He can help us on our journey to heaven, if we ask. And it is his greatest desire to do that for us, for the rest of our lives.”

    Now I know who the little old man is, and I have a choice to make: to stay with my barriers tightly shut or to allow the take down of those barriers that were erected from a lifetime of hurt and rejection—to continue the generational trauma or to accept healing 7 generations before and 7 generations thereafter.

    As is often the case all is connected – what you write and share with us; it all fits so well. I have to say that to give up the barriers that have protected me for so long is daunting. I’m not sure even how it will all work together; however, I accepted and consented to the action within to make this happen and I need to simply be present to the moment to see how things will progress. Thank you, Singing Herd, for your wisdom and love; I know you are here to help too. To give up what is known for the unknown, albeit what I’ve always wanted, seems beyond the pale.

    • March 7, 2021 at 8:13 am

      Sending you love peace support on your path to healing! Your healing is my healing is someone else’s is healing! ✌🏼💚🐴

    • March 7, 2021 at 9:22 pm

      I’ve been sitting with this Claudia… here’s another story for you. And it would be interesting to know where along the 12 children you fell… Your sister above was the eldest, and then who? Where did you rank in the birthings? It would also be interesting to know if there were miscarriages or stillbirths.

      Regardless, here’s another story: Your Dad emigrates from one of the most horrific situations in humanity’s history. Hitler propagated ‘purposeful reproduction’, exterminated millions of children/people with disabilities. Dad leaves ‘hard’ and comes to a country with even more ‘hard’ – has to start from scratch. And has a strong belief that SHIT happens and your children die.

      So his solution to that is to have as many kids as possible, to keep them from dying out. Then #x child comes along and he is overjoyed and he loves her so much, but he quickly realizes she will likely die. So he steels his heart and turns away from her – so that he won’t suffer so much when she dies. He thinks that by doing this, he will suffer less.

      And with each month that drags by, her impending death weighs more and more heavily upon him. Perhaps he begins to wish she would just die to put him out of his misery. Perhaps his wife is distracted, stressed and upset all the time. He feels like he is being tortured in a way.

      But the child does not die and eventually turns a corner and begins to grow. But he cannot trust that growth. He fears that at any moment, she will take a turn for the worse and plummet to her death. Perhaps there are ups and downs in the child’s health journey, perhaps she goes through periods where she makes her mother gravely anxious for her health all over again. This feels like a cycle that never ends.

      Dad simply cannot take it, it is literally like being on a rollercoaster of pain – that impacts his marriage, his entire family and triggers ALL of his fears from his own past and the idea that he could start fresh and leave it all behind.

      By the time this child is firmly out of danger, Dad has spent so long waiting/prepared for her to die, that he now feels a terrible shame. He blames himself and his shame is so great that he cannot face it, so instead, he continues to ignore her. Dad has ZERO of the tools needed to deal or heal these giant traumas he has endured (and thus inflicts on others). He is literally stuck or locked into this no-win reality – along with his giant shame of how he treated his child.

      What happens to shame that cannot be owned, healed, forgiven? It is turned outward into blame, fear, disconnection. Perhaps this talk would be useful:

      During my past life explorations, I went a number of times to the process after death – and it is exactly as your sister described. No matter how horrible I’d been, the terrible mistakes I’d made, I was wrapped/bathed in unconditional love and compassion.

      The point of strength/shift in ALL of life is in healing ourself. Heal yourself and all else flows from there. Much love and big hugs xoxo

      • March 11, 2021 at 10:10 am

        Wow Jini …that was so powerful! Your perspective was healing all in itself! I have been having these conversations with my son recently and feeling seeing the generations start to heal earlier and earlier is so hopeful! I wrote awhile back that a close friend and fellow LTYH family member helped me realize that my adoption from birth (no mother for 3 months) must of had great affect on me on a cellular level! I had not considered this and am now acknowledging this and exploring it deeper! Healing is the purpose! Thanks for your perspective it really resonated with me!

        • March 12, 2021 at 11:50 pm

          That’s great Michelle and you’re very welcome – you precious soul, you! xoxo

      • March 15, 2021 at 8:41 am

        Well, Jini, didn’t you hit the nail on the head although by looking at dad you would never guess there was any guilt or shame —- growing up as a German lad in Hitler’s regime taught him how to bury any emotions. He was around 8 or 9 years old when the bombs began to fall on his city (also the city of my mother who was 5 or 6) . He ‘happened’ to be in the cellar when the four blocks of city around him disintegrated — the picture I have of that is everything reduced to splinters — literally. They survived but most everyone in that neighborhood died that day. Horrific stuff. Oh, the stories mom and Oma told me of their everyday lives in war torn Germany and the extermination of friends and neighbors was beyond terrible to say nothing about the starvation and war diseases that flourished. If I chose, I can feel it all as if it happened to me which, in so many ways it did (I have to be careful about this as the guilt, shame, and heartache can overwhelm me, too); this history is my history. On mom’s side is a family, 500 acres of loved, farm land and animals; so there is a mystical love of earth, sky, animals, and growing things also inherited by me. God is invited to continue to work in and through me. Dad plowed ahead in life using and pushing people to gain the prize…in this case financial security. He was charming but only when it suited him. To show any emotion was vorboten unless it was used as a means to an end. All his energy was pointed toward making money and being secure. He was cold and did some pretty awful things to me to help me steal against emotion too. He was very smart and sometimes he lived on the edge of insanity– when I think about him, he belonged in a novel — there was just so much dangerous push and pull inside that man; except where orchids were concerned. In the knowledge of and growing of, he was known around the world. I think of him in his greenhouse, giving his plants life giving water; he was serene in there and it makes me smile.
        Mom, an alcoholic by age 17, began her birthing journey when she migrated to America — a German American in that era who spoke no English. She was shunned and it always amazes me that they were both allowed to migrate during those years — 1943-44, right after the end of the war. Somehow, we, the children, were all shielded from alcohol damage from the alcohol that coursed through her body when she was pregnant with us…. in all this history are the seeds of my illnesses. As a result, I have a tendency toward hoarding and overeating. But, I now, today, do my best to notice my body, mind and spirit and take responsibility for the family history by making amends where I can and seeking healing and wisdom. Yes, this is my life path.
        The oldest is a sister, then came two boys, then me, then another boy and three girls. All in eight years. So I had a brother above and below me. My best friends. Mom’s body rested for four years and then she produced another girl, boy, girl and finally the youngest is a boy. She had us all by the time she was 33 years old. So in 16 years we were all born, no miscarriages or still births. No one else was a sick baby. The oldest sister abandoned us and ran away at age 17 followed shortly by the oldest brother and that left me to care for my younger siblings. The older boys worked in dad’s businesses. I was a ‘good’ substitute mom. When I was 13 mom sobered up and so began another life for us in which she fought her demons daily to become a better person and find what healing she could mostly by helping other alcoholics find their soberity …… and so, the healing continues. In me and in my brothers and sisters as my original story says. First we have to become aware, then accept what we are seeing and feeling and finally to act. Dad is invited to be dad. God is invited to be God. I am invited to heal and become the me I’m meant to be. It is all incredible.

        • March 17, 2021 at 3:43 am

          Just incredible – all of it. I’ve got some poems coming, from Kaliah, about how the purpose of life is to experience ALL the colors of the rainbow, the full spectrum of experience. Where each emotion or experience is not ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – they are all just colors.

          Because if we want to create a glorious piece of art with our life, we need access to ALL the colors, the full palette, with all the hues and tones.

          We need burnt umber and raw umber and lamp black and dark ultramarine blue just to create shadows or sculpt bone structure (for example).

          In one of our conversations Kesia said:

          “Amalia, Kaliah – the dark horse, the coalescence of all colours, the reminder to keep a keen eye on the shadows and to love them unconditionally despite rarely knowing what the actual fuck they are up to.”
          “The goal is to attach and revel in the beauties of attachment, knowing we will suffer, and not scorning or avoiding the suffering as bad or evil.”

          Perhaps we NEED and want the colors of suffering in all it’s hues and tones, in addition to the colors of beauty, love, peace, joy and FUN.

          Namaste sister.

        • March 17, 2021 at 7:46 am

          So beautifully written Claudia….It did feel like a part of a novel! So interesting as you painted the vision of your dad and then bam….Orchids? Life is so winding! I guess even the darkest strongest toughest of souls has that sweet spot of pleasure or softness! I appreciate your willingness to share snipits of your history! I feel if we all …as Jini said …were aware and absorbed all the colors of emotions we could come from a place of better understanding! I personally feel life does have to have all of what we call bad…in order for what we consider good to be appreciated! Thanks again this really touched me!

  • March 18, 2021 at 7:30 pm

    Do you have guests to your ranch to do healing work


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