So I spent quite a bit of time last night judging my brother. And even though my words were fairly neutral, my energy was not. I had completely let go of the concept that everyone is my teacher, that everyone has a role to play, that everyone is on their path.
I momentarily forgot that I am in this incarnation because I want to/need to experience light and dark. The point of being here is not just to have everything be positive, good, peaceful, joyful, light. So even people who I perceive to be stuck in darkness, or working in darkness, or perpetuating darkness… are actually part of the bigger plan. And they are part of what is needed for this plane of reality to exist. So from that place alone, judgment does not need to exist.
But. Because I engaged in judgmental thinking and energy, it has gone forth and today has returned to me! The universe is showing me that the more power I have, the more meticulous I must be with where I allow my energy to go. Because wherever I place my energy, is what grows with significant power and force.
Here is just a small snapshot of what I mean: as I am driving to the barn today there is a big accident with police cars on my left hand side. The car in front of me wants to go straight and the oncoming truck wants to turn left. So the light turns yellow and the truck starts to make his turn to clear the intersection, but because the car has been watching the accident scene, the driver is not aware of the truck and starts to move forward and they nearly have an accident in the intersection, right next to 4 police vehicles.
I judge the driver of this car, saying “What a doorknob. So busy watching the accident he is not watching the road, what an idiot.”
30 seconds later I am driving down 24th Ave. and my bowl of nuts starts to slip so I grab it to reposition it, and when I look up, I have to slam on my brakes, because the driver two cars in front of me is making a left-hand turn and I did not see it. Because my attention was not on the road. Yes, voila! I sent out the judgment and 30 seconds later it returned to me in full measure.
Because, you get back what you put out, and I already know this!! At the same time, since I woke up this morning, my head has felt very heavy and has been spinning a bit, so energetically I could tell that something was really off with me. I believe it is my physical body evidencing what I conjured up with my judgment of my brother last night. Combined, no doubt, with the chaotic, dueling energies in the world these days.
Remember the difference between judgment and assessment: giving an assessment of someone’s words or actions is simply describing what you perceive. Judgment is giving your assessment, coupled with the statement, in whatever form it takes of, “…and he/she should not be doing/saying that”
I have felt very strongly these last months that I am weaving a web or matrix of support and the frequency of a different reality or vibration of consciousness/being, through my writing and my videos – both for Listen To Your Horse, and Listen To Your Gut. I feel the uplifting power and strength of those offerings, and the comments from people are bearing witness to that.
And what I experienced post-judgment, is the manifestation of the dark side of that exact same power to weave.
So again, my lesson/message from the universe is to be extremely meticulous about where I place my attention, and the threads of my energy that reach out towards something. And whether I reach out in approval or condemnation, the tendril and journey and attachment of my energy is exactly the same. And the power that it contains is exactly the same.
I am walking in the back pasture as I map this out, so that the horses do not need to give me a physical demonstration of the energetic manifestation of my judgment! I am articulating my own awareness and setting my intention for this to clear and shift, and then I will go back in the midst of the herd and ask for their help to clear me of the remaining fog, tendrils, or attachment points.
As I’m crossing the creek on the way back, the next question that arises is (in connection with a series of healing sessions we have been doing with Cobra): what does this dynamic look like, when we are judging ourselves, or an experience we have had? If we have undergone an experience where we have judged ourselves to be the victim and we have judged the experience as being traumatic and bad – and by judgment I mean that underlying those statements is the idea that this is wrong and should not have happened – then how does that judgment show up in our energy field and physical body? The event is one thing, the boomerang effect of our judgment is another…
And what would mastery of this concept look like in the middle of an attack? Say you were walking along and all of a sudden you were attacked and in that very moment, if you adopted the feeling/view/idea that: “Well, if this is happening to me, there must be some reason. And I trust that all things work together for my highest good.” How would that then affect the event itself, my experience of the event, and the outcome or repercussions of the event? Not that I am calling in a chance to experience and practice this concept! And of course, for that to be my default reaction in a surprise attack, I would need to have practiced this many times over beforehand.
The other caveat to think about here is the second I say, “I should not judge myself” or “I should not judge my brother” – THAT is a judgment!” Just saying.
It is a very attractive idea to put forth: That I will now participate in the transmutation of darkness into light, in the energetic realm only. I will focus on my resonance and vibration and effect change, healing, wholeness in that way. That there is no need for me to participate in the physical realm of this dynamic (i.e. getting attacked). And maybe that is possible…. If I look at history, it does not seem likely.
I arrive back with the horses and except for some sniffing and ki-sweeping and love vibes, all goes well. As I do some chores, I think about WHY I was judging my brother? Why do we judge other people? Every media is awash in judgment, passion and vitriol right now as people try to discern where the truth lies. As I ponder this, I realize that the passion of, “He should not do/say this!” stems from fear. I am afraid that he will cause, or do something, that will lead to pain for me.
As I’m thinking these thoughts, I start bailing out the 80 gallon water trough that was filled to the brim with lovely rainwater, but is now undrinkable because one of the horses took a dump in there. And it strikes me that this is the perfect analogy. ONE person pooped in the water and now everyone cannot drink the water! That is the fear that underlies/motivates judgment.
I can feel the indignation rising up in me as I think about the one stupid, asshole horse that just had to go and shit in the water and ruin it for everyone. I think about what happens whenever humans gather in any kind of group workshop – there is always that one person who jams the wheel, says inappropriate annoying things, and makes life difficult for the instructor.
In any national tragedy, there was always at least one group who started the deception rolling, manipulated the masses into darkness, legislated inequity, suffering, etc.
How do we prevent their shit from ruining our water?
AND we’re back to the discussion of light and dark. And the role that darkness plays in this earth experience. Intellectually, I totally get the yin/yang concept. Viscerally, I’m lagging a bit behind. I understand that without darkness, light cannot exist, or be differentiated as a ‘thing’. As far as I know, when we leave this earthly body and return to oneness, it is all light, it is all love. So if we incarnate specifically to dance with this duality of light/dark… to learn how to transmute darkness/pain/fear into light… then why would we want to completely eliminate darkness?
If darkness goes away completely, and we are left with nothing but light and love… then this place becomes indistinguishable from oneness/spirit. Yet we can return to spirit in a second simply by exiting our earthly body… so again, how does eliminating darkness serve us and our goals for incarnating?
But how about this: What if we’re here in physical bodies, where everything is slowed way down (instead of the instantaneous change analogous with thought), so that we have the opportunity to learn HOW to transmute darkness into light?
And as we learn this process, as we become fluent in this alchemy, the contrast provided by darkness is transformed into the contrast of challenge, or a puzzle to solve. So the yin/yang is still there. The duality which provides choice, and the opportunity for alchemy and transmutation still exists, but it doesn’t have to hurt so much.
Let’s return to our undrinkable water in the trough analogy with this perspective… If we are skilled at the transmutation of darkness into light, then we are not in fear when the water becomes polluted and undrinkable. We will not need to suffer thirst or dehydration, because we have evolved beyond Victim, and into Creator or Alchemist. We would immediately use our power and skills to devise an amazing water filter or even just a simple filter from rock and sand. Or we would invent a dew-catcher to provide fresh water every morning.
Instead of being angry and wanting to punish the one who shit in the communal water, perhaps we could even relish the opportunity of another puzzle to solve. Perhaps we could enlist the perpetrator on the journey of discovery with us, thus expanding the circle of our transformative power and space-holding. As my dear friend, Dr. Juliet Ghodsian wrote:
“It’s hard when it feels like the actions of the unevolved other create blow-back or problems for us or our family. I try to remind myself in those moments that these are the moments of tension that build spiritual muscles. If everything was love and light, how would we get stronger? It’s easy to be in the space of light and high vibration when things are easy and we are not being triggered. Everyday we learn a little bit more. Become a little more capable, more energetically responsible. Be gentle with yourself. It is hard to learn to wield powerful energetic muscles.”
Six days after the death of George Floyd, as riots swept the USA, medical intuitive Caroline Myss wrote:
“You think now about all the good you can do. This is no time to ever again think about yourself as helpless. When you look in this moment of chaos, you start empowering yourself in the smallest degree. Every act of kindness, every act of goodness, now matters more than you ever thought it mattered before. You turn yourself into an active agent of change, because now it matters.”