In the last installment, the herd sent me a very clear message that they needed to stay together. That it was not okay for just Kaliah to come with me. So now what?
I honestly did not see how I could just double my herd – go from 5 horses to 10 in one fell swoop. Even if I could figure out a way to keep them at my current place (on leased land), I do not have the facilities there to keep them through the winter – not to mention the hay bill would be astronomical. We pay a crazy high price for hay near the city, compared to what people pay inland, or further North. The logistics alone would make my life HELL – that’s assuming the two herds would even get along!
The other factor is that shortly after I first met Kaliah, a dear friend of mine who is a strong psychic received a vision of me on the ground, next to two black legs/hooves while I struggled to reach my cellphone, which was lying on the ground several feet away. I called her and said, “I think my back is broken.” She told me the vision was SO strong and she advised me to NOT bring Kaliah to my herd.
My friend said, “She’s meant to be with you, but not WITH you. So look for another way this wants to happen. Do not bring her to your current herd.”
I wondered if perhaps my connection to Kaliah was just meant to be an energetic bond? Perhaps our link-up had been made and she didn’t physically need to be ‘my horse’ to be part of the herd?
Perhaps the ideal scenario would be to find someone who had enough land to take all 5 together (2 pregnant mares turns into 4 horses) and who was comfortable taking wild mustangs who can’t even be touched.
I threw that option out to the universe. And I told Kris, “Look if someone comes along with 100 acres who is willing take all five, I’ll let her go. I love her, I’m deeply connected to her already, but it is more important that her family stays together.”
Simultaneously, I started brainstorming scenarios about ways to keep the herd together. Kesia and I began discussing whether the herd could come to her place. She has 500 acres, but no fencing. Well, what if I paid for some of the land to be fenced and then also covered their hay bill. Could she be their caretaker? And what did her mum think of that idea, as they run the farm together?
I also reached out to a couple of other people I knew who had land, to find out what their current situation was like. I told Kris (who owns the rescue) that I was working on a few options of ways to keep the herd together and that I was going to figure something out.
We are ALL connected
The next thing that happened – in this inter-connected web of horse listeners – is a woman in Germany sent me a soul-baring email that ended with:
“My spiritual journey is becoming deeper and deeper, as well as my connection to nature.
Now you might have an idea of who is writing you.
Actually I believe its my soul, connecting with you, trying to find out if there is a chance to learn from you and your horses for a little while (a week, a month…?)
I have no idea how that is possible and how it could work, but I guess you could let me know.
I am very flexible with my time, would be travelling from Germany.
And willing to do whatever it takes to live according to what my soul needs at the moment.”
We had already received queries from people in the UK and Italy asking the same thing – can they come here, or can Kesia or I go there and give a workshop? The irony of it is, the people I lease my land from, absolutely don’t want other people on the property. Added to that, I loathe flying and am insanely busy running 2 businesses and 3 kids.
Kesia doesn’t have any accommodation on her ranch yet – not even a spare room. She and her mum are still working really hard to establish their farm, so she doesn’t have room to add anything else to her schedule at this time either.
But nonetheless, we discussed the email at length and also the timing of it – why now? Right when we were in the middle of discussing this wild herd and where/what they’re meant to be?
Two days later, Kaliah kept pricking at the edges of my consciousness… what? What does she want? Why is she ‘poking’ me? Suddenly the memory of my cat Stitch dictating messages to me, popped into my mind. Ah, I get it, she wants me to write down her words. I grabbed my journal and a pen and this is what she dictated to me:
Black is the Raven
Black is night
That which all colors come from and all are absorbed
The frequency I hold is not one to be trifled with
Like the crystal portal – I am not these things because I am black.
Because I AM these things, I chose the color black… and brown and copper and mahogany. Rich. Meaningful. Full, burnished, abundant. And the flesh was made whole.
I chose you because you are willing – in your multi-faceted way – to hold a portal for this alchemy. This mixing of fire, earth, metal, light frequencies and encodings of information you know not of – yet.
The confluence of the rivers and beings able to hold these frequencies as they funnel clockwise to the earth. Land at portal points.
You may not understand. You are free to choose. You are free to stay safe.
You are free to say Yes and enter the whirlwind. Colors of light spinning inward to a point of black. Whirling back out again like a prism. As above, so below. You have been tested. You have all been tested and your vessel carved deeper and wider.
Hold the frequencies. Say Yes and the spinning will stop. You are dizzy because you are fighting it. You are yes-no. One foot in and one foot out. Your decision was made ages ago.
Where is your conflict, where is your drama? Still you cling to your illusions of separateness. As Kesia said, “O flow through me” Stop resisting. Your safe little world.
Your “fear” of the unknown.
You are mucking about. You have entered the arena, now PLAY.
Your decision was made ages ago now see it through. This is YOUR vision, not something that was thrust upon you. Your vision of wholeness, completeness. Of heaven on earth.
As above so below. You have everything you need. There is no ‘safe’. Now play on.
Well. Parts of that were pretty clear, along with parts of it that seemed too profound to understand easily; or that would reveal themselves as time passed.
What was clear to me was that these new 5 horses were not an accident; they were something that I had called in. I had set a vision and they had arrived at my request. Well then.
Kesia’s place seemed to be the only possible option. Her mum had agreed to have the horses come, and Kesia and I were brainstorming ways to offer the woman from Germany (and others like her) a way to be with the horses at her farm. Kesia would need to blend the mustang herd with her existing four horses to make watering in the winter possible.
The Nagata Family Farm is 16 hours drive away, so I would probably see Kaliah and her herd once a year and our connection would be primarily energetic. This solution felt like a mixture of relief and disappointment. At least they would be safe. They would also have the kind of land suited to their needs and the freedom to never interact with humans, if they wished.
That evening as I was meditating in my bedroom, Kaliah joined me and – I’m not sure how – linked my root chakra and heart chakra together in a kaboom of energy! She just blew them both wide open and linked them together simultaneously. It was so powerful. WHAT was this connection between us??
I was thrown back into doubt about the plan to send them to Kesia’s, and felt again that they were meant to be with me. I wrote in my journal:
“I feel the herd is at rest because there is a place – a fallback – but… there may be another, better option that wants to emerge. But TIMING is key – like a puzzle, various pieces must fall into place first. This is a very different feeling of co-creation – advanced level co-creation. Very involved with nuances of energy flow; not just the broad strokes, or main directive. And perhaps FINALLY I have the requisite levels of patience and surrender to play at this level.”
Taking action, right action, has never been a problem for me. Patience and surrender are my challenges. For the last few years I’ve been practicing what I call surrendered action. I’ve found that simply sitting back and ‘surrendering’ – waiting for god, the universe, fate, to drop things in my lap doesn’t work too well. At the same time, using my giant will to push things into place, or into existence doesn’t work too well either.
What has been working best – and been the most challenging – is to combine the two. So I stay in action, as led and guided by Spirit, but arcing over that action is surrender to divine omniscience. Trusting Source to handle the timing, progression and direction of What Wants To Happen. I guess we could also see this as a balance of the feminine and masculine expressions; where the surrender part is feminine (yin) and the right action part is masculine (yang).
To operate in this way requires that I stay supple, flexible, and in motion (action) – because it is much easier to direct a rock that’s already rolling, or a ship that’s already moving. Yet at the same time, I am deeply attuned to my inner guidance, messages from animal guides, signs, omens – so that I can change direction, or pursue a new line of inquiry. I am able to shift gears, or go in a completely new direction because I am surrendered to my highest good (divine guidance) and not attached to the outcome or the plan; knowing that it may be the final destination, or just step 3 out of 17. It’s all good!
So even though I was attached to Kaliah and had received a strong affirmative sign from her when I asked whether she was meant to be part of the herd… I was also open to other interpretations, or expansion on from that point. As long as all was aligned with the highest good of all concerned, how could I complain?
My next thought was: Perhaps there was a way for me to lease or purchase a suitable property in time for winter, that was 4-6 hours drive from me? Then I could have a caretaker on the property and visit for retreats, or weekends? In the meantime, I could keep them at my current place for the summer months if I had to. So I began researching land/farms for rent, along with real estate listings.
Yet another warning
The very next day, I received an email from another horse listener (aka blog reader) about her disastrous attempt to bring a German Shepherd police-trained dog into her home with her existing Jack Russells. The Shep ended up attacking and killing one of her precious dogs and she was struggling to make sense of it.
I immediately knew that her story was involved with my story – with the decision I was currently struggling to make. I removed the identifying details and I forwarded the email to my psychic friend and also to my wise friend, Kera Willis, to get their thoughts on it.
My psychic friend wrote back:
“It’s very timely that you had a fabulous meditation with Kaliah and then received this story because it’s showing that you can obtain incredible connection and wisdom absent of physical connection. This story might be serving you as a caution to not bring the two together, because ‘wildness’ cannot be tamed.
Perhaps this is an omen in the form of a warning that is asking you to stay true to what you felt deep inside of your being. The work you will do in this area will have impact, don’t let emotion or the need to ‘save’ rule over this. Be alert for your own need to fill a hole within. There is quite frankly nothing to see here. Do not try to tame wild – it serves a purpose that we cannot fathom.
Kaliah is a source of wisdom and encouragement for you – a portal to colours and depth that are not found here on earth. But she is not (I believe this is what I heard from our last convo) to be with you. That is not her purpose. Her purpose in the relationship is at a distance, that when needed ignites the mystery of the wild as pure and as magical as her in physical form.
Do not try to tame wild – it serves a purpose that we cannot fathom.”
And Kera wrote back:
“Hmmm. I am getting for both of you the Rumi line that’s like ‘sit down. You’re drunk. And this is the edge of the roof.’
So much information in such a short time of paradoxically opposing circumstances… that are at the same time all one (Huh. What??)
I think – and here I am addressing the woman who wrote in to you directly, not you (Jini) as I don’t think you should take this personally but rather watch closely, turn an ear to it because it is a clue. Mirror.
I think the woman doesn’t have enough information yet to decide anything. She is still in the heat of the moment. Is there a way to leave the Shep with the other woman for a while and visit her there, or is there a way for her Jackrs to be somewhere else for a while, so she can have the Shepherd at home and dialogue with her?
I think she is right to keep them separate for now. Otherwise the fear and hyper-vigilance will be too much for all of them.
In short, is there a way to delay her decision? I feel there is more info to be revealed if she can find a way for everyone to feel safe, so she can remain open to a different solution, rather than having to choose between the Shep and the Jackrs. There is something in the middle of those two opposites.”
OKAY. So once again, a very strong message/confirmation that this herd is not meant to be put in with my existing herd – and to attempt that may cause serious damage.
However, as Kera pointed out, DELAY can also be a constructive tactic…
Delay as part of surrendered action
The parallel/mirror for me here with Kaliah was to delay the entire process. To break it down into smaller pieces that could be actioned one by one.
If I thought in terms of delay… Then it made the most sense to leave them at Kris’ ranch and have a conversation about perhaps me paying to fence more land for them, off the back of their paddock – and just put in a gate. Maybe we could do that in exchange for board? And Squamish is close enough for me to visit once a month or so. I could have slow feeders or hay nets for them. Kris was schedule-feeding them, because it gave her the way to get close to them. But if I owned all of them, then she should be able to release the need to ‘train’ them.
We tend to get locked into either/or thinking as humans. But DELAY is a brilliant way to just let things unfold at their pace, and also to create SPACE for other pieces to come into being, in the necessary sequence. Perhaps by slowing things down, opening to other unimagined possibilities and only taking one step at time – we allow the universe to flow more strongly. Perhaps things can become more powerful and creative if we delay, slow things down, and deliberately create time/space for other pieces of the puzzle to drop into place.
The very next day, I saw a post on Facebook from Kris at her ranch – a picture of a baby sitting in a saddle slung over a hitching rail and the caption Kris wrote was, “I see the writing on the wall 🙂 how about Indie’s Baby?… you can name her 🙂 ”
And I was horrified! What?? Did she not believe me when I told her I was working on a way to keep the herd together? Omg, she is actively trying to find homes for the other horses! This threw me into a panic. My emotional response also gave me a kick in the pants – realizing how attached I was already to this herd. And that I would be absolutely gutted to see them split up.
So the only decision that actually needed to be made and actioned immediately, was for me to purchase the other two horses in Kaliah’s herd – which I did. Gulp. Kris generously said I could leave the herd there until I found land as long as I paid for the cost of hay.
I ramped up my search for land to purchase and began talking with realtors. I figured I could move this new herd to 60-80 acres in the interior of BC (I live on the coast) then perhaps I would trailer some of my current herd out there in the summer to enjoy the amazing trails. Owning a good-sized property would also make me feel more secure about my current leased-land situation. If the owner decided he wanted my horses outta there, at least I would have somewhere to move them to!
I began referring to the herd up in Squamish as the River Herd (because there’s a river on Kris’ ranch) and the herd down here as the Forest Herd – just to make discussions and planning easier.
I didn’t have cash for the deposit on this new land, so I would have to find an investor or two for that, but I had cash flow to be able to pay the mortgage and ongoing costs. It would be challenging, but doable. However, I felt relieved knowing the River herd could stay at Kris’ place while I searched for land and got the money organized. It was really nice to not feel pressured or rushed. And a stark contrast to when I acquired the Forest herd and had a ton of stress getting their new place set up and all of them moved over by the deadline the landlord had set.
During that next week, Kaliah gave birth to a gorgeous filly (thank god – no castration needed!) who looks a lot like Kesia’s filly, Firefly. And then the little black and white pinto stud jumped the fence when the mares next door went into heat. Kris had to section him off with arena panels into a small area at the front of the paddock where he couldn’t touch or smell the mares. And when I went to visit Kaliah and her new foal, Xadaa (pronounced Zayda) I felt how terrible it must be for her to be in such a tiny enclosure with no trees or grass. Thankfully, there were lots of gorgeous trees around their paddock, but none inside to rub against, or shelter, or lie down under.
Xadaa means moose in the Tahltan and Gitxsan languages because that’s the energy this spunky little gal embodies – Kesia called it and then I found the name to represent it. Kesia’s farm is on Gitxsan Territory.
Okay, this delay concept was working pretty well! I was also pretty pleased with myself for not giving in to my default behaviour; which was to get the horse’s needs met asap, whilst throwing myself into high-grade stress. The old me would have said, “There is NO way they can stay in that tiny patch!” And I would have moved them immediately to my place – which would have completely taken over my life for 2 weeks of intense labor to get the facilities ready and fencing done and probably 1-2 months of utter mayhem as Mak still needed to be gelded, but couldn’t even be touched yet, and my mares Aude and Zorra would have instantly gone into heat, and I don’t have fences that can contain a stallion. This would have also thrown my business and family into chaos – which would have increased my stress exponentially as my husband went up one side of me and down the other for blowing our life up… okay I’ll stop there. You get the picture.
So. I felt very pleased that everything was working out okay and the River herd could stay at Kris’ place until I was ready for them. Which didn’t mean I would let them suffer being confined there needlessly, I was in full action to find a piece of land and arrange the financing, it just meant I didn’t take the stress of their confinement on myself.
Well, a few days later, Kris’ office manager emailed me an invoice for that month’s fees for – wait for it – $1,918.00 The invoice listed board fees, manure clearing fees, feeding fees and hay cost. I won’t bore you with the email string that ensued, but we ended up settling on $500/month to cover hay and feed, since it was not physically possible to move a newborn foal, stallion and hugely pregnant mare together in one trailer anywhere (remember the herd absolutely refused to be separated last time we tried to trailer just Kaliah).
Our email negotiation had gotten a bit sticky in places and my former relief evaporated as I shifted into high gear to figure out where I could move five horses to as soon as possible. Whereas before I had felt the ease of being able to leave them at Kris’ ranch, I now felt pressure to get them out of there quickly – but perhaps this too was part of the bigger plan? Perhaps the herd/universe knew I needed a bit more urgency to make the land happen? Or perhaps this ensured that the River herd would spend some time with me and the Forest herd en route to the land?
Then the second mare, Siyone (See-yoe-nay) also gave birth to… a filly! Whew! The gods were smiling on me for sure. Tsi’yone means Flying in Keres (a tribe in New Mexico) – my daughter Zara had continued to do healing sessions for this horse, so she got to name her and will name her new filly too. But this also meant that both mares would be coming into heat in a couple weeks time and Mak was still uncastrated and not halter trained at all. Kris was getting really worried about containing him, as she also did not have fencing suitable to contain a stallion with mares calling to him.
Along with my active search for land (for sale, or lease) I also took a second look at my current leased property. Was there actually a way I could divide it up so that the two herds remained separate, yet had adequate room? If so, I would be honoring the messages to not put the two herds together, yet the River herd could have 12 acres instead of half an acre – a much better holding space as I looked for land of my own to move them to.
After a lot of brainstorming and a consult with a neighbour, yes, it could be done. My landlord also agreed to let the River herd come, and I figured out a way to switch to feeding round bales to keep hay costs down (thankfully a neighbour has a tractor).
As I drove up to see Siyone’s new filly, I looked forward to the opportunity to sit in Mak’s tiny enclosure with him and ask him where he wants to be halter trained and gelded – in his current place, with his herd nearby? Or down at my place with some trees, a bit more space, but no family? Mak is a very lovely, sweet-tempered lad. The last time I had visited, I had spent an hour just sitting in his pen and he had initiated contact with me 3 or 4 times. He would sniff my fingers and I would scratch his lips. His full name is Makah-Mahpee which is Sioux for earth-sky. When I had asked him what his name was, or what name he would like, he had called my attention to his eyes; one brown and one blue. He wanted a name that represented his ability to cross dimensions.
All of these wild mustangs were culled from a herd on a First Nations reserve north of Vernon, BC. But that is not the only reason we have given all of them names from Indigenous languages…
On the day Xadaa (Zayda) was born, one of our readers saw the picture on our Facebook page and said, “So exciting! And, lol, I see a face on Kaliah (I don’t know Horse anatomy terms yet): above the mud stain in her hip area.”
Another reader confirmed the face, along with an eagle feather in the hair – SO trippy, I could see it too!
Who knows what this herd has in store for us? Never would I have imagined I would end up with 10 horses and no land. Will the two herds ever choose to integrate, or will they remain separate? Maybe they only need to remain separate until the foals are older, or until the River herd is on a nice, big piece of land – more aligned with what they’re used to? And how will we get Mak castrated? And the biggest question: Where is our land, and when will I purchase it? Stay tuned for the next installment in this series…
Read Part 5 of this series…