First Ride With Jax Moonlight

This is the first time Jax has ever carried a human. Humour me, and take a minute to watch it, feel it. Notice what you notice, and then I’ll tell you how I experienced it. I’d love to hear your first thoughts and feelings in the comments below.

For those of you who don’t know, after months of slowly becoming more and more intrigued with each other, Jax convinced me to speak to Jini about him becoming “mine”, for lack of a better term. You can listen to that story in our podcast here. I didn’t know what it would entail, but I knew it would be fascinating no matter what! We have continued our slow approach to each other, but now with the emotional security and “permission” of engaging in a deeply personal way. It’s opening up my world in big, yet subtle, ways..


That day, I could see Jax watching my car as I crawled up the icy driveway to the farm. I did my chores, feeding pigs and getting chickens put away, letting Amalia and Firefly in to the barnyard for their supplements, carting buckets of water to various species and draining the long rubber hose to the trough so it wouldn’t freeze overnight. The weather was unseasonably warm – several days above zero and nights below had melted and thawed our usual blanket of snow into a sheet of ice. Jax made his way to the gate as I worked and stood watching while I carried buckets, filled hay nets, negotiated with the goats. I could see him waiting, his black eyes calmly following my every move. My heart beat faster as I hurried to finish up and meet him – I knew he wanted me there for a reason. He was so white against the purple evening sky – dusk was rolling in, fast and sure as it does in mid-winter. Finally, having convinced the goats to stop smashing each other long enough to eat their dinner, I penguin-walked out to the field to see what was in store tonight.

For the last couple weeks, Jax and I had been meeting in the same spot at the same time, out in the open field, as the last of the light faded from the day. Sometimes we just visited, but slowly we had been making our way through a series of made-up steps that could eventually result in me climbing aboard. Can I stand beside you and touch your back? Can I stand on a bucket and touch your back? Can I lean some weight on you? Can I hop in the air with my hands on your back? What do you like? What don’t you like? What might you prefer?

 

Speaking with Jax. Photo: T. Butement.


When Jax first told me we would ride together, I was incredulous. I am no longer a daredevil, no longer seeking to validate my own power to myself or anyone else. No longer requiring myself to be what I am not, or strive beyond the endless depths of what I currently am. Jax is a force to be reckoned with. He’s never learned to temper his fire for the convenience of a human; he moves suddenly, explosively; he moves his body as an extension of the rest of him, as it should be. I have no desire to change that, and I also have a hard-earned humility for my own nervous system and precious body.


I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have a schedule. I didn’t even know why I was starting here, with the idea of climbing onto his back, when common wisdom would dictate some form of groundwork or sensible progression – except that Jax hadn’t asked me to explore anything but this with him. He would show up for our sessions with his intense focus, stay long enough to learn the next step, and leave when we were both done. The day before, with Montaro watching us closely, he had let me lay across him for a few seconds, taking a few steps before standing still to feel the weight of me. I jumped off quickly, before either of us became unsure, knowing somehow that I must keep us both far “below threshold” for this to “work” (what is “this”? I have no idea). If I were to get the least bit activated, and I seem to get there before him these days, I would finish for the day or wait until he told me we were ready again.

 

When people ask “do you ride English or Western?” – ummmmm…..

 

This is why I don’t train: if I am “training”, then there is a right and a wrong answer, and I will pursue the “right” answer doggedly, no matter how patient I profess to be. Whether I am offering reward or punishment, the training mentality requires me to have already concluded what will happen, and to do what is in my power to achieve it. “Teaching” is a temporary – and potentially mutual – state when one of us has something to share that the other has yet to consider. Co-creating is the state I am aiming for. You might call it play. It’s a place where we meet as equal parties interested in a common cause, bringing our vast differences, our strengths and weaknesses, to see what happens. That is all.


When I reached the field, Jax was still alone, with the mares in the yard and the rest of the herd up the hill with the hay. He didn’t want to engage in pleasantries. Standing solid on the treacherous ice, he turned broadside in a business-like manner. I put my bucket upside down beside him, tested for friction on the ice, climbed onto the bucket, gave him an alfalfa cube I had in my pocket, waited for confirmation, and launched myself like a small sea lion heaving to shore across his beautiful furry back. Once aboard, I hung draped over his back for a moment like a dead body in a Western, then slowly swung my leg over until I straddled his broad back, my face in his thick mane. I sat up. He stood still. My face cracked into a huge smile. I told him he was my love, my hero, my magic man – I was surging with joy, and also deeply calm.

 

A fuzzy phone snap commemorating our first moment like this.

Five months prior, Spero, grazing the grass around the cabin, tells me to get on. I haven’t “ridden” in earnest in I-don’t-know-how-many years. I stopped first out of principle, because I couldn’t honestly determine if I was truly obtaining consent so long as riding was my agenda, and then out of habit, because my life was busy and the horses were content, and we were all rewilding ourselves on our own time. So, despite my surprise and tentativeness, I go through the motions of mounting, elaborately, like a pantomime – does he really know what he’s asking me to do? Impatient with my human nonsense, Spero barely flicks an exquisite Arabian ear as I climb on. The last time I tried, years ago, he side-stepped nervously, or blocked me with his head. His gentle, pleading “no” that I overrode for years until finally learning to hear and respect it. But today it’s as if none of that history exists, and he has a purpose for me. Up on his back, my body immediately remembers his unique form. I feel his life pulsing through me. He goes back to grazing, and the instructions I receive are to DO NOTHING. He says, I am preparing you for Jax. You must give your whole body to me. You must surrender your will. You must learn how to do nothing, in order to do everything.

It’s to the point, now, where I don’t even want to ride. I don’t crave it, I don’t secretly wish I could, I don’t consider riding other people’s horses to get my hit without the guilt of riding mine. I don’t think about ways I might get through to them about it, I don’t feel shame or sadness when I remember how I used to force them. I know them as themselves, and I know me as myself. I don’t judge others for riding anymore, either. I imagine they are doing what is true for them, and I know I can’t possibly know what that truth is. I have lost the need to explain my own choices – I’m at home in my own truth.

Except, that truth is changing.

Spero says, you must learn to surrender, and that’s what we can teach you. He is giving me a glimpse, a felt-sense, of what this arrangement might be like. He does this twice, on two summer Sundays, and then never offers again, except one time, days before the evening when I climb onto Jax. As if to say, ok – you’re ready.

 

Warmer days! Jax in May 2020.

Slowly, Jax tested some backward steps, then tried moving and turning to each side. I laced my fingers through his mane, more for the sense of closeness than security, and breathed deep into my lower body. There was no tension in him, as he walked to the fence to watch the pigs, turning to look at my boots hanging either side of his belly, stopping to let me scratch his neck. I think I was murmuring to him, or maybe we were silent – there was this sense of absolute security, coloured with utter happiness. Finally, he turned and began picking his way slowly across the ice, carrying me carefully toward the rest of the herd. Halfway there, I felt a subtle shift in our connection; I conjured an image of him breaking into a powerful run, which he often loves to do on his way back to the herd. Was I ready for that? In a split second, I realised I could push it and see what happened, or I could stop now. And in an even smaller fraction of that second, I acknowledged that while he was unperturbed, I had actually had enough. I wasn’t scared, but my system had activated one little notch above utter calm. Honouring my own whispered need, I slipped off, praising him for the manifested god that he is – and started to cry.


Surrender is neither collapsing nor giving up nor forfeiting my autonomy. Surrender is the question: “Can you hold your form while letting go entirely of the outcome? Can you trust yourself so entirely that trust of the other is effortless? Can you be with what is, no matter what?” Surrender IS power. It is the feminine (not female) polarity of the masculine (not male) control and direction. It requires mastery of self, even if momentary. It is an acknowledgment of god: a god, the gods, divinity, ki, the universe, me. It is a choice to deepen into the unknown.


This simple quiet way is how I have longed to be with horses for my entire life. Nothing asked for, expected, required, or demanded, but offered freely and without transaction – no justification, just a clean moment in time between two beings. The moment my feet touched the ground, I could acknowledge how meaningful this was for me; before that, I was completely in the moment. Jax stood with me, absorbing my tears and gratitude silently. And then Louka joined us, hurtling dramatically through space as is his custom, leaping over fences and covering the distance between us in the blink of an eye, his wolfish grin ready for play. Had the timing been different, he might have incited a stampede with me on top – he adores provoking the horses to run so he can chase. As it was, I had listened to the tiny quiet voice that told me to get off, and now we greeted happily, and then Jax and I parted – he, walking slowly toward the herd, and me with Louka, who pressed his large head into my hand as we picked our way back to the gate. I guided the mares across the ice in the near-dark and back into the pasture.

 

Jax at sunset.

After our first ride, Jax did not come back to our spot by the gate, which he had been doing reliably for two weeks until that day. This actually was a great relief – proof, for me, that he was fully autonomous and not coming to me out of habit or simple hope for a scratch or a snack. And when I felt into it, I realized that I had no desire to be on his back that day! We both needed time to integrate, to let this new world of possibility settle into our bodies and energetic systems. And then again, the next day, and onwards for the next two weeks, we carried on not riding. I would go out to the pasture to visit, and once even brought my mounting-bucket to test if he was averse to the idea of riding now. He let me go through all the motions and hop up on his back again, but it didn’t have the same quality of suspended time-space magic, so I hopped off again. The point, in the end, is not to ride. The point is to explore possibility, and to expand us both, body, mind and soul. Me being on his back is just one more thing we can do calmly and happily together, when we’re both in the mood and the energetic space for that. The freedom of this, after years of riding being either the point, or the antithesis, is hard to describe. When riding was the point, it was what needed to happen at any cost – and that cost was high, often damaging my relationship with my horses and my self. When it was something I “didn’t do”, it locked out a whole realm of possibility and limited my inspiration. So what now? Now we wait, without expectation or judgment, for what comes next – for what feels next, for what lights us up and ignites desire. Wish us luck!

First Ride With Jax Moonlight

52 thoughts on “First Ride With Jax Moonlight

  • January 24, 2021 at 5:41 am
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    I love this, and connect with it, so much. Thank you Kesia.

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  • January 24, 2021 at 7:15 am
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    Kesia…..This landed deep within me as you articulated and named what I have been feeling for years. I would love for everyone to read this and appreciate it as much as I do. Thank you for sharing your experience.

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    • January 24, 2021 at 6:54 pm
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      Hi Mae – I agree! Feel free to share this post wherever/however you wish 🙂

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    • January 24, 2021 at 8:03 pm
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      Thank you Mae! I’m moved that you can connect with this/me/us… much love!

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  • January 24, 2021 at 8:02 am
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    Dear Kesia, I am awed regularly by the generosity of you all, sharing so much intimacy in an honest way – thank you for the gift of this.
    I had a moment of real connection when you spoke of the surrender you embraced – a counter to dominance, abuse and exploitation – a way to heart and synthesis.
    A yearning of mine and yet also so infested with fear and old ghosts.
    Need to let this enter, settle and take it with me with our horses, Spirit and Sultana.

    I felt the magic and awesome power of this moment with you both.
    Thank you!
    with love
    Shirani x

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    • January 24, 2021 at 8:09 pm
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      Thank you Shirani! What you’ve written is so, so beautiful. Surrender is this massive space, hey? We touch into it from so many realms and know it for what it is, then forget. I’m fascinated by the actual power there, when we are conditioned to believe surrender means powerlessness. And yet we each have layers and layers of personal, familial, cultural, historical, ancestral, and karmic imprints, taboos and spell-weaving to dance with through it all… It’s hard to grasp with words. I find when I can embody it, through a trick of the light or a moment of grace, the horses respond immediately. Spirit and Sultana will guide you.

      xo

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  • January 24, 2021 at 9:09 am
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    It seemed you both were communicating and feeling for each other? Checking in and checking on each other? His ears seemed to be conveying a deep thoughtfulness and they eluded for me positive feelings! The footing sounds very harsh and I was feeling he might be noticing the difference with added weight on his hooves? I also felt that this is such a great example of what a first ride could be! Now I will read your thoughts and then comment further!

    As usual so much poise and elegance in your words! So many thoughts sunk deep into me! I absolutely love this exploration you are taking and it is fascinating! For me the fact that Spero (Arab as I am so in awe of Arabians…as Dreamer and I believe Big Acea are/were Arabs) was a conduit for this interaction makes it resonate even deeper for me! I feel the greatest gifts the horses have provided me have been of there own free will (duh obviously) I cherish the horses I share life with and I am hopefully evolving everyday! Judgement is a saboteur and I find the more I can feel/see from a different perspective then judging the healthier my life becomes! The fact that you could capture this interaction is such a gift to all of us and also quite astounding..given it was such an intimate moment! Your words are always deliciously descriptive but seeing the video was truly special! Kesia your soul inspires and I adore your vibe! You help me in ways I can not describe and I am grateful you are you and that you share with all of us!
    ✌🏼💚🐴

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    • January 24, 2021 at 11:52 am
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      Ahh, so nice to hear your thoughts. You’re right, the footing was ice! And he was still so calm. I was astounded. I love the idea that he could have been studying all of the new variables, as you describe.

      I somehow missed that Dreamer and Big A are of the Arabian variety. Jax is too! Half Belgian and half Arab. Spero (Spoo) is 3/4 Arab and 1/4 Andalusian. I never specifically preferred Arabs, but they seem to have found me. Their particularities are quite lovely… I love their sharp analytical minds and their deep sense of fairness.

      So happy to share with you and be shared with <3 your giant heart always makes me smile.

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      • January 24, 2021 at 7:10 pm
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        Yes Dreamer is a Pintabian! I didn’t even realize this was a thing until we came together! Big Acea was an unknown but most people who saw him thought he was Arab/TB cross! All horses are extraordinarily special! Arabs just seem to have something that fits with me! They are deep thinkers…! and from my experience such amazing care takers with this human! ✌🏼💚🐴

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        • January 25, 2021 at 9:18 pm
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          Arabs <3 Tonight I hiked out to the back of the pasture to visit the herd, and was loving up on Jax when Spero went by. He gave me the most dramatic look of hopelessness (he doesn't stand a chance against Big Man Jax, so he doesn't get as many cuddles these days) and started turning away from me. I called out to him and he stopped to look at me, so I started piling on the compliments and lovey cooing from a distance - "oh Spoo, you're just the handsomest goodest boy and I love you endlessly, Spoo-bee-doo you lovely man" etc (he's a total sucker)... he blinked, turned toward me, had a big sigh and started yawwwwning! Little love! So I made a big show of asking Jax to wait and went over to snuggle him. He loooooved it, making sure I scratched all over and he scratched me and he got eyeball kisses and everything. And then Jax was miffed he was being left out so I invited him over and managed to scratch one with each hand. And all was well. Little Arab story, hahaha. Dramallamas and love-machines.

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          • January 26, 2021 at 8:27 am
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            Oh, I LOVED this Littel Arab Story!!! So fresh, immediate, clear! Thank you for sending our way!!! Snuggles and compliments from me!! : ))))

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            • January 26, 2021 at 10:29 am
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              Yep, not all magic or mayhem, mostly it’s just armpit scratches day-to-day!

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          • January 28, 2021 at 9:37 am
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            This is what I am taking about! Dream is the same way and his previous human expressed that he (Jester at the time) was looking for his forever human and wanted to be some humans special soul! He definitely seems to thrive when all my attention goes his way! He had repeatedly asked for a dog to join us out on our solo trail rides …but now that we added a dog to our family he seems a bit perturbed by my need to multitask my energy? As we are still getting Roofus used to horses and all that they can be!
            I think he wanted my sons dog to be the dog to join us and that is still a possibility but our new Roofus is such a sweet soul I am hoping he will build trust with him as time goes on! Arabs seem so extremely sensitive and I have noticed Dream get flustered when he is not the one and only recipient of my attention/love! ✌🏼💚🐴

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  • January 24, 2021 at 10:21 am
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    Dear Kesia and Jax,

    This video and you two together is a message for all of us who know that riding a horse is a true gift. I always knew these beautiful souls were meant to give us so much more than the riding part of it. I cried with you both. I thank you for this time and space that you filmed. It is amazingly beautiful. I can’t begin to tell you what a joy I felt in my heart to see you. It made me feel that my own thoughts I have had of riding my Arab, Magic Knight, are something we might do. I see it in my dreams when we ride through mountains of snow and sun. Jax looks and feels like Magic. I seen Jax before and instantly had a draw to him. Like I know him. What a perfect scenario. I felt he was protecting you with every step he took. I dont know but the picture of Jax at sunset just calls me home and to you both. Here is a picture of Magic …

    pic:

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    • January 24, 2021 at 12:00 pm
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      Magic! Is it any wonder these Arabian beauties come to find us? We call Jax the Magician – Magic Knight sounds like a very powerful archetype to embody as well. I love that you’re imagining a riding relationship with him, and I encourage you to really lean into your visions and dreams with him. It has been a big element in my relationship with Jax… here’s something I wrote in my journal:

      “What if there was a difference, a vast chasm, between desire and expectation? What if the problem wasn’t with the actual wanting, but rather with the separate-but-enmeshed idea that we need to get what we want? What if your desire was entirely for you? What if desiring was, in itself, enough? What if that desire did not impose upon anyone else, but simply existed, fierce and full of its own potential?

      When I leaned into this idea, I realised that I did desire to ride Jax. I could see, feel, imagine our bodies moving fast together through the forests and hills of our valley. And it was glorious – the very act of allowing that wanting. I felt no obligation to fulfil or manifest it; I simply allowed myself the thrill of that desire. The desire was complete in and of itself. Before, I hadn’t allowed myself to want this because I could not see a way it could happen without in some way controlling or manipulating the other, and my actual desire was specific to our shared freedom. Now, without the pressure of fulfilment, I could simply want what I wanted.”

      xo

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      • January 24, 2021 at 7:52 pm
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        Thank you Kesia for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. To hear from you and taking the time to respond. It feels like I can hardly wait till I read your next journey with Jax. I’m so excited for you both. I re-read and re-read your words. It is a gift to see the thoughts from your own journal. I think the world of you.
        Paula

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        • January 24, 2021 at 8:13 pm
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          It’s such a gift to hear from you and share it all. I hope we get to hear more about your and Magic’s connection, too! You can always email, facebook, or drop a comment if you want to chat, float ideas, or ask questions. xoxo

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  • January 24, 2021 at 11:26 am
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    Hello Kesia,
    I’ve only seen this between horse and human successfully and fully done once before. I don’t know what tribes they belonged to; but, they — shaggy paint with person on his back wrapped up in a blanket, it was cold out there — moving together up on a ridge in Oregon, with the sun setting behind them. There wasn’t a physical destination; rather an absorbing together, a melting into each other that was so apparent and made me wish I was walking with them sharing their energy and peace as they went off together. I watched for a while and opened my heart to that energy which they did not withhold until they disappeared from view. The not ‘I’ decide what ‘we’ are going to do; but, the ‘we’ are together doing this. What blessings are in your path, you and Jax!
    Claudia

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    • January 24, 2021 at 12:01 pm
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      “and opened my heart to that energy which they did not withhold” – wow. Thank you for sharing this, I’m honoured, and opening to that as well, what a beautiful clear image you’ve painted… love love love to you!

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  • January 24, 2021 at 11:47 am
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    OMG OMG OMG! I am so excited and loved this SO MUCH! When you had said in the podcast that you were going to be with Jax, but not train him, I wanted to write to you and say “Please keep me posted on how that happens, because I want to understand and absorb how that’s going to happen”.

    You see, my mustang Dakota is very similar to Jax. At least in how I perceive them. He’s also a fast mover, and I have to watch myself near him. He’s full of life and joy and wants to explore and run! I want to ride him only because I think he needs to explore
    much more ground and situations, and in our case (little space for him), the only way to let him is to be on his back….but I have no intention of training him. Ummm…

    I loved what you wrote. And how you wrote it, what a gift you have. My mind is reeling because nothing you did made any sense! 🙂 Ha ha ha! Getting on his back on ICE? (I just fell a month ago btw, while walking my dogs and hit my tailbone and back of my head badly, ouch!), just trusting so much that he would not take off in a huff, and everything else. But that’s the point, just tuning in and being in the moment with yourself and him. I get all that, and I have no idea how that is going to come about for me, but reading your story, I get so much from it!

    AND, I realize how much control I still want/feel the need to impart on my horses..now especially with Dakota who wants to run around outside of his paddock… He comes out every day to munch on hay while I clean up and refill nets, but then I ask him to get back inside….(we have been taken to court by our crazy neighbors a few months back because Dakota goes on their property, so we REALLY cannot let him out till more fencing is up, and since we have 3 ft of snow on the ground now, it has to wait till spring). But I see how there is always something and our lives will always reflect the state of our minds. Oy.

    So thank you for this juicy, deep and also funny post! I am going to practice surrender 🙂

    And that last photo of him??? SO gorgeous!! And so representative of this story!

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    • January 24, 2021 at 12:22 pm
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      Oouf, sorry to hear about your fall. I have had 2 very minor ice falls and I feel so rattled after, maybe it ignites a post-concussion response from my once-addled brain. I hope you’ve managed to heal up. So you know what I mean by ICE!! That kind of blew my mind, all the cognitive stuff just falling away for the perfection of the moment. Like, it’s not like I’m not cautious or aware of all this stuff, it’s just that my feeling took over, and overrode my thinking mind. I couldn’t replicated it if I tried. But I’m so glad that sharing can open up the realms of possibility in you too – I didn’t know how it was going to work, but it just did.

      Dakota sounds a lot like Jax! That’s the only reason why I’ve committed to working on this riding stuff, because he is SO keen to explore and even 30 acres (current field) or 180 (hopefully by next year) gets old when you’re in it day after day. Most of the others don’t have the same sense of need to explore… they are ok either way or even prefer to stay home.

      I totally hear you on the control part. It’s fear! And fear is natural, and it makes a lot of sense with these big boisterous creatures. That’s why training exists – to give the human a sense of control and safety around these big, passionate animals. But we end up crushing that passion trying to get there.

      That’s why I have done such careful titration of both our nervous systems. So when we do our 5-10 minute exploring sessions, I believe I am monitoring both of our “activation levels”… like if you imagine a scale of 1-10, 1 being dead calm and 10 being explosion/overwhelm, I think we stay around 1-2 on that scale. If it feels like a 2.1, I just stop, or change it up, or we have a cuddle, or I visit the other horses/do some work. This way we always are ready for more, and never set each other back. I think some people are good at this with horses, but not themselves. I am a very calm person so I am extra vigilant about my own activation scale, as it’s very subtle. That way, I don’t have a situation that I *need* to control, and I don’t have a knee-jerk reaction. It’s like hacking my own response system!

      I can’t believe you were taken to court by your neighbours!! What a joke. Horses and cows are often loose around here – nobody loves it, but everyone grits their teeth and bares it because technically this place is qualified as “open range”. Good fences make good neighbours, they say! Maybe you could find a way to keep Dakota’s mind busy, until he can have more room.

      Ahh surrender… endless depths to explore there! 😉

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      • January 24, 2021 at 8:07 pm
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        Thanks so much for the response Kesia! The fall on ice was fast and furious and painful. I am healing well, but it took 4 wks, which of course I did not expect.

        Yes, Dakota has gone off running and explored further than I could imagine. He went to the road once, and walked on our driveway for a mile to get there (different direction from the neighbors who fought us). So I realized that he just won’t stop, and he could get in more trouble and have bad consequences.

        Yes, the fear is big, and I happen to have a very strong sense of self-preservation 🙂 Ha. I also have no intention to crush the passion, and I agree that we don’t need to do that. I look at too many horses who are either checked out or are waiting to be told what to do. It’s not the way to be with any animal really, or human 🙂

        In regards to our neighbors, that is what the judge said too, and basically dismissed the case, as he said it is “open range” and that we should just put up a fence.

        I love what you said about keeping Dakota’s mind busy in the meanwhile, I need to do more of that. And he does love that too 🙂 He does play with Rayo a lot, and initiates play with him so often (they play with sticks and 2 balls that are in their corral) and it is great to see.

        I understand about the scale and keeping the nervous system calm. I will practice that. In fact I think I do that automatically when I am around them. But in all honesty there are so many nuances that I am just not getting/seeing/observing, and that is the gap. I think in order for Dakota and I to actually connect, I need to get quieter, and have the communication you are having, or something like that. That’s still not happening, or not happening enough yet. So I need to close that gap, because that is a key gap 🙂 I think Dakota would be fine with me on his back, actually. But taking off with me on his back is another story.

        Keep us posted as I am riveted here waiting for more! 🙂

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        • January 24, 2021 at 8:24 pm
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          Yeah I totally hear you Vittoria! I don’t know how it will work yet, but I think there is a way for those of us who have these concerns and ideals to find that trust with our horses. I’ve only recently discovered how much I blow through my own limits and boundaries, basically all the time… I’m trying to learn to be older/wiser/more careful/more in tune without losing the spark of enjoyment and courage. So I’m as fascinated as you are by this whole process!

          Though Jax and I can be this connected and focused together in these small moments and specific ways, we are by no means bomb proof. I’ve pushed us both past those limits, or had them suddenly crash down upon us while we’re out walking, or even when Jax comes into the barnyard of his own free will. He seems to lose it at a certain point when he’s been away from the herd or when he can’t ultimately choose (because of a fence) to be back with them. When it *really* matters, he seems to pull himself together, but it’s so hard to know/trust that everything really will be ok. I just don’t take it personally… I look for the tiny ways in which we DO connect, and then I just try to expand those little by little.

          I’m glad the judge was on your side, and that your body is healing up. And this is the thing we’re all facing, right? We can’t afford to get hurt, because our horses and other family need us to be fit to care for them. So the fear of getting hurt and the desire to control really does go beyond concern for ourselves. I think it’s legitimate… I think we can work with it… I’d love to chat more about how! And feel free to shoot me any specific stuff or anything you want to jam on… nothing like sharing to get the creative ideas flowing. xx

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          • January 24, 2021 at 11:11 pm
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            Oh yes! This is such a good convo because… all the nuances of feeling, sensing, trust, what each horse is capable of, maturity levels, personality etc….

            Aude would LOVE to do more with me, but she is not internally strong enough yet to hold herself together in the face of her fear. And YES she and the herd have a strong awareness that I can’t be seriously injured because that will impact so much of the good stuff we’re doing.

            So of course SHE doesn’t want to risk injuring me, out of her inability to harness her fear. Then, the logistics… we don’t have a remotely safe space here where she can practice/dance with her fear. We’re in the middle of a city, the cost is too high if she bolts and hits a car full of kids.

            So even though we’d both like to dance with this, we can’t – yet.

            What comes to mind for you Vittoria – since I know both you and your hubby love to hike – is what about trekking with Dakota +1? Having another horse along – someone calmer/older really helps to anchor the more spicy one. Then you can dance through ALL the pieces of “riding” leaving getting on his back as the very last step. You will both develop so much more confidence, and you can meet his need to explore and have adventures. Maybe rent a horse trailer once per month to go hiking? Do you have some remote areas where you can hike (cause I always like to go worst-case-scenario) and if it all turned to shit and both horses bolted, you wouldn’t get in trouble with anyone?

            And I can tell you, I have had horses bolt on me a hundred times and they ALL come back, or wait for me to catch up further down the path – especially if they come across something tasty. WORST worst case scenario, I would sit down and meditate. Get myself calmed, sorted and deep in state. Then I would send them pictures and open up a dialogue. If you connect in meditative state, you can send each other pictures of where you are – and also feel into what’s happening, and what wants to happen, the highest good, etc.

            My daughter did this when she got lost hiking in the mountains alone with our dog Kumba. Now Kumba knows how to find the car. So when she first got lost, she asked him to find the car – but he took her deeper into the woods. Why? Because he wanted her to learn something more important than just trusting your dog to find your car! Once she dropped into meditative state and she connected with the trees, the earth, the trolls – she remembered that she didn’t offer greetings when she arrived. So she was walking around disconnected from everyone except Kumba. Once she leaned into WHY she got lost and got into right relationship with everyone, she found her way easily to the car – even though it was now dark.

            So same thing when I have ‘adventures’ with the horses. We are always in the web of the highest good, and ‘what wants to happen’. Surrendering to our role in that web, at this time, is the most security we can have. As Kesia wrote, surrender is not a state of powerlessness:

            ” “Can you hold your form while letting go entirely of the outcome? Can you trust yourself so entirely that trust of the other is effortless? Can you be with what is, no matter what?” Surrender IS power. It is the feminine (not female) polarity of the masculine (not male) control and direction. It requires mastery of self, even if momentary. It is an acknowledgement of god: a god, the gods, divinity, ki, the universe, me. It is a choice to deepen into the unknown.”

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            • January 26, 2021 at 7:00 pm
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              So beautiful Jini, thank you!

              I am interested in what you said about Aude…. How do you think/feel it could be different for her to be internally strong & hold herself together in the face of fear? So you could play (however that looks like) and yet stay calm? It sounds like something I could learn to do myself too 🙂

              I have definitely thought about the hiking and there is land around here that could be used for that. There are occasional people on it, but I could figure out a good time where chances are there would not be anyone around. My neighbor up the hill adopted two rescue horses (they are staying with someone else about 5 mins away on 25 acres) and she has a trailer. I could ask her to borrow it. She and her also talked about walking her horses on a trail near where she boards. I would not bring Dakota at first, but could check out the territory, and maybe Dakota would walk more calmly with another horse or two that he does not know (he loves and has always been kind to all horses and these are two mares).

              I love the idea of meditating if the horses run. It makes sense because what else could I do? 🙂 I love the story with Zara and Kumba.

              And so true about surrender being power. It really is.

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              • January 27, 2021 at 6:52 pm
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                Aude has already come so far – from a blind bolt to most anything, she now just leaps about 10 feet, then stops and waits for me. But she has also learned to anchor to me in many situations – motorbikes, all kinds of vehicles and most impressively, to stay with me when the entire herd runs in a different direction. That is probably the strongest RUN urge/drive that she could resist. And of course, I’ve never forced her to stay with me (not that I could force her to do anything even if I tried 😉 ) I’ve asked her to stay with me, while I’ve sent my energy deep into the earth and thrown a wall around us both – so protection/shielding and grounding simultaneously. I don’t even ask her to do that (that’s Step 2) I do it strongly enough for both of us.

                So I guess I’m also in surrender simultaneously to whatever happens, whilst I hold MY reality as firmly as I can. And, as I myself GET BIGGER, I can hold that reality with more and more security. It’s a journey! I look forward to seeing where yours meanders next… xoxo

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  • January 24, 2021 at 1:19 pm
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    My first impression was that it was almost like Jax had done this before since he seemed very natural with you on his back. I felt the impact of him coping with the hard, icy ground and perhaps that he was slowed down somewhat by having an extra cargo. I found him to be very aware of you, Kesia, very much in relationship with you and communicating to you, for instance ‘Have you noticed the horse I’m looking at’ and I had the notion he was stopping and waiting for you to take in the messages he was conveying.

    Jax is spellbinding. I might easily have thought I was just being influenced by what you, Güliz and Jini have written about him but there was that time I ‘flew’ over to your place Kesia and visited Jax and felt it entirely for myself! Of course I can only second Michelle’s lovely words and say I LOVE what and how you write in all its style, insight and beautiful depth.

    It resonates so much; I came to horses only a few years back and somehow felt ashamed of the lack of experience and of not having horses and therefore did I ‘qualify’ at all : ))) But really we are in such a similar place, since “the simple, quiet way” you speak of was what I felt passionate about right from the start.

    I agree too, very special, to see the video and asking us for our impressions and sharing yours…thanks, dear Kesia!!

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    • January 24, 2021 at 8:32 pm
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      Aw, I love to read what you noticed and felt in the video! So glad I asked people to comment, it gives me so much to think about. For instance, I didn’t even think about what he was saying to me, I was so focused on the moment and the “omgomgomg” mantra going on in my head! I hope as I learn more I can multitask a little better, because like you’ve pointed out there is such richness to become aware of.

      Spellbinding…. yep! Honestly, I didn’t really feel like he was “all that” until he turned his beam on at me! Hahaha, now I’m in trouble. I love love love that you’ve been able to connect with him yourself. He has his own relationship with every being he connects to.

      Oh I hear you on the shame and lack of experience. I started at 17 and even then felt so “behind”… and really didn’t feel like my voice was heard when I wanted to do things differently. Here, it doesn’t matter. Some people don’t even have horses to be with, but the discussions all make sense because in the end, we are all speaking about universal phenomena and experiences. I mean, I think I’m actually aiming to amplify my inner child, to regain the innocence, play, and possibility that gets crushed out of so many of us over time.

      Thanks for being here with us Ray!

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  • January 24, 2021 at 7:06 pm
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    I love the care and attentiveness Jax had with you, and that you had with him and with yourself. What an aikido moment! When he stopped and waited, I was wondering if he was going to ask you to get off. I love how you just stayed in the moment, let him do what he wanted, and it was clear he was going to keep going with you up there.

    I love how you listened to yourself. So often we talk about listening to the horse, which is hugely important, but we hear very little about listening to ourselves. I have found through my hospice work that not until I know how to listen to myself and take care of me, can I even begin to truly listen and hear a horse. Only in knowing myself can I then have a chance at differentiating between me and the horse and really understand the horse’s point of view.

    I love your mutual exploration. Who knows what he’ll come up with next, or you’ll come up with next. What a beautiful place of co-creation. Keep the stories coming!

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    • January 24, 2021 at 7:17 pm
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      Mary …I really like that you commented about listening to ourselves! It is so extremely important! The times I have done this and then saw the reason it was a huge affirmation that listening to all is what it’s all about! ✌🏼💚🐴

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    • January 24, 2021 at 8:38 pm
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      yes! It’s all Aikido! I somehow managed not to blather about that in the post, maybe because I know I can’t drop Aikido references without a bunch of context and theory… I think that’s really the key, the embodiment of yes/no, an opening, a softness, a potential, a clash… as well as the caretaking of oneself, the robust protection of one’s own energy. How do you feel that? How do you trust that feeling? I find it easy to feel, and hard to explain.

      I do know we are so blessed to be able to wave vaguely at the moon and have so many people go “yeah! the moon!” Love your insights as always, and the sacred work you do seeing horses to the other side.

      And what Michelle said… listening to the horse, listening to ourselves… it’s all the same thing anyway in the end… xoxo

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  • January 26, 2021 at 12:39 am
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    this article touched me, deeply. I lost my mustang Pie, 20 months ago, to cancer. He was an amazing horse. The story of Jax, reminds me of him.
    He was cut, after being captured at age 6. He was equally fierce and gentle. He is the only one of our herd who would demonstrate trust by laying down with people. And he would only be ridden on his terms.
    As I think on it, the rides on their terms, are the most special in my memory. To be so connected, in that way even for a short time infrequently- is better than riding often. That is what I want.
    I miss him-

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    • February 1, 2021 at 9:03 am
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      Hey. Ishe, I love hearing about your Pie and what he embodied. I can only imagine the deep ache of losing his physical form. I entirely agree, riding is so intimate that if it is forced, it loses all meaning to me. I’d rather ride once in a blue moon, when our stars and hearts align…

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  • January 31, 2021 at 7:02 pm
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    Thank you Kesia so much for sharing the video, I mean such intimate moments that can help others understand better what it means to respect each other!

    When I heard the ice and noticed the ground, all sort of things passed through my mind – omg how do horses even walk on that? How did Jax walk with the added weight (you) on his back (for the first time!)? And when you mentioned that the possibility of him running towards the herd with you might have been REAL… Let’s say, I am really glad that this scenario didn’t happen (I mean THE GROUND!)/that you were true to yourself <3. At the same time I feel that this is how we can be sure that it was REAL/it was meant to happen. You did what felt right, the logical part of mind was off.

    Then I truly truly truly LOVE your writing, and Jini's as well. With all honesty, are you thinking about writing a book? 🙂

    I love one paragraph where you are writing about your 'freedom'. How you don't judge others for riding, how you don't feel ashamed or guilty for riding your horses before… May I ask, how did you happen to be in that place? That sounds to be such a place of true freedom! And not an easy journey for sure. Was there one time event, something that touched your core, do you meditate to be 'free' (that's what I call freedom – when we stop thinking about what others do/think, and we accept what we did and feel no guilt), or is it a higher awareness/wisdom that comes as time goes by?
    Sending love and gratitude <3

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    • February 1, 2021 at 8:42 am
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      Hi Daniela! I completely agree with your initial assessment! There were a lot of cognitive reasons not to do what we did, which is actually what helped me zero in on the feeling and stay with it, if that makes any sense!

      And that’s very lovely of you, and yes, I am thinking about writing a book (some books)!

      As for the freedom of owning your own truth… I think it’s come in bits and pieces over time. I should say, it’s not that I don’t judge, like I’m some sort of neutrality saint… I definitely have a thought or an opinion about these things, but I know enough to know that’s all that it is. I don’t have to attach to it or pursue it; I can let it float on by. If it sticks, I know it’s more about my relationship to me (am I insecure about my truth? Is that because it’s unstable, or because I believe it can’t be changed? Do I trust that I am worthy of my truth?), than anything else. I guess I just don’t take myself too seriously. My dad is a Zen Buddhist and he taught me about paradox, how everything is as sacred as it is profane; as meaningless as it is transcendent. That brought me a lot of comfort as a young, confused person.

      It’s logical to me – having listened to and tried on so many opinions, beliefs, and ideas over time, and gradually honoured my own more and more, I’ve deduced (for myself) that there is no single truth, there is simply experience – and 7 billion human ones at that (and counting). We amalgamate our experiences and what has made sense or yielded consistent results into something we call truth. But truth, as my good friend likes to say, is only opinion stated as fact. I don’t believe it exists in a pure and singular form. I make it a habit to question my beliefs and truths regularly, or to simply acknowledge that “I’m attached to this belief but I know it might change.” Those truths can be limiting, or expansive, and I like to aim to work with the ones in the expansive category.

      So I’m quite rigorous about sitting with my own discomfort and facing uncomfortable truths and ideas. Being uncomfortable has not killed me yet. I can be defensive about my ideas and beliefs when they are challenged, but I’ll always take time to mull them over and check them for holes or inconsistencies. If there’s one thing I do tend to judge, it’s the unwillingness to do this simple thing. I’d rather do harm consciously than do it pretending/believing that nothing is wrong. Humans will do anything to believe they aren’t wrong, and that I find quite sad.

      But that end of things can make you crazy if you’re always questioning yourself. So I think it comes down to treating others with respect, and treating myself with the same respect. I don’t have to agree with someone to love them or, at the very least, respect their humanity. And if I try to change how they think or feel, I’m actively trying to control them. Likewise if they do the same to me, I can name that and simple decline to be controlled. If everyone around me is imperfect, then I don’t have to be perfect either (thank god!). I give us all a little more room to be human. And I’ve seen and felt how “mistakes” bloom into learning – I cannot deny that my own mistakes have given me what I have to work with now.

      There’s a lot more I can babble about but in the end it’s just words! Codependence, boundaries, consent, attachment, projection, and ego are all elements I examine and feel for in my body, trying to keep them in balance. Ultimately, my best way to let go of any of it is to shift my own perspective, and focus on my own ability to be with it all. I can only be who I am right now, and that’s also true of everyone else, human or animal. And it’s all a work in progress! I continue to be, completely and without apology, a fallible human! I like to think I spend less time worrying about things I can’t change, though.

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      • February 1, 2021 at 5:43 pm
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        Wow what a response! I apologize in advance if what I wrote is confusing – I was writing paragraphs as my mind went on 🙂

        It makes perfect sense, honestly, I’ve had similar experience recently, the problem is that I am so new to this, and also either very logical, or very spontaneous person…which is sooo confusing! Especially when you are overthinking as much as I am! lol
        My dog passed away this summer; and I felt awful, I expected it to happen, but you know, the loss still hits you. And then I started to have this constant thought – reincarnation. As a non-believer, or let’s say I never considered that possibility before, it kept bothering me so much that I had to google some possible cases of dog reincarnating(if there existed any at all), and I found some. Then I started to think, ok, what if it will happen in my case? Eventually, I didn’t want to get a new dog immediately, I was sad, remembering and crying for few weeks. At the same time I was looking for what options there are to get a pup, what are the prices etc…to honestly keep my mind occupied (that I was aware of consciously). One day I saw a picture of mother-dog and something in her eyes looked exactly like my previous pup! Bear in mind that everything about that post was what I told to myself to disregard as an option – they were asking for some non-refundable deposit(to secure the sell of a puppy), there was just one puppy left, and it was in Alberta (I am in Montreal!)
        So you can imagine how my intuition started to race with my logic, so I told to myself to give it a try. I texted if the pup was still available. If the answer was no, ok, it was meant to be. But they replied yes! Then we arranged to talk in more detail about it and I told to myself that I will not accept ‘the deposit thing’ as I wouldn’t get to choose a puppy, and if the family disagreed, ok, it was meant to be. But they agreed! No deposit was required of me, the voice of the woman, the whole vibe felt GOOD! Which made me kinda more desperate, because I was aware of that (basically, my logic was trying to doubt everything – “coincidence, coincidence, bla, bla, bla…”). So I asked my partner what he thought about all this – to basically do a road trip to Alberta as our vacation, to pick up a puppy (which might have not worked – I was open to the possibility that the pup might be destined for someone else, that it wouldn’t be “it”.) My super rational boyfriend agreed. I mean “WHAT??” Then other smaller things happened that were meant to be, and we ended up with the sweetest girl we could wish for. She was so calmed and trusted us immediately, handled the road-trip beautifully and all is great now, but STILL there is this voice in my head that sometimes wonders if it is my reincarnated dog – the current girl was born 29 June, my previous girl 28 June. I struggle with that, sometimes kicking my butt for not just LISTENING to all the things that happened with ZERO issues in order to get her!….ohhh.. Then I talked with the herd. (As a beginner I assume I did). At first Kaliah asked what bothers me and then Audie stepped in saying: “then/just trust it.” (“the proofs” that my rational mind tries to bury). So I go with it and sometimes it’s hard. I wonder what lesson there is in all this. I wouldn’t even wonder much, honestly, it’s just those thoughts on reincarnation after the initial loss…I somehow know they weren’t random.

        This is sooo long, but I would love to have your thoughts on this, since it’s so weird! Also, what happened between you and Jax seems so irregular in certain ways, and knowing that all ended so well for you, the whole experience was magical, I can certainly KNOW it was meant to be. It’s just harder being my own advisor in this.

        And to move on 😀 I love to hear that you aren’t a saint after all lol. If I got it right, the judgmental thoughts just happen, but the awareness of them is in place, so you can stop yourself, is that correct? At least that’s what’s happening in my head. When I started to think about judgment/and being afraid of it myself (not proud of it, but true) I made a conscious decision not to judge. But maaaan it just happens! It’s so crazy how easy it is for our mind to make a picture about something/someone in so short moment! (thinking more on that note, I get a hint that we are conditioned by the society to think certain ways…) At that point I stop myself, I don’t even continue on that, instead I look for reasons why the person behaves in that way that no one but her/him knows and I stop/it gives me peace.

        I love how you talk about self-respect, and I think that speaks volumes. If you respect yourself, you are free to be yourself. LOVE IT. And what your dad taught you about paradox, I mean that kind of lifts a weight from the shoulders, I will keep that in mind for sure.

        I agree with you on the fact that some choose to ignore certain things, turn a blind eye – just today I watched a movie about water where one guy was interviewed and his comments on how to use water as a COMMODITY (oh yes, harsh truth, but Canada doesn’t consider water to be basic human RIGHT) “…because humans were ALWAYS using nature”. Ohh so arrogant, he skipped like million details on that matter, but then I realized: he doesn’t want to see. He lives his life, does his job, thinks in a way that suits all that; and if he opened himself to that POSSIBILITY of “What if it’s all wrong? What if there is another way of doing stuff?” his whole life would turn upside-down.
        I even found excuse for this type of person – to feel better, honestly, cause my brain has limited comprehensive capacity when it comes to issues like that… lol

        Thank you so much for your time Kesia! xoxo

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        • February 2, 2021 at 8:29 am
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          Hello Daniela
          My name is Michelle
          I read your above comment and wanted to share my perspective! Hope you are ok with this?

          I believe in reincarnation in many forms and variations! I also liked watching a recent docu series about death as it reconfirmed a lot of how I feel! I personally believe there are different types of reincarnation! I feel some animals/people help guide us to our new connections! This might not be a direct reincarnation but I feel it is in some ways? I believe Big Acea (my first heart horse) passed with perfect timing to help Dreamer come into my life! Big Acea and I did not come together until he was quite a bit older! I always told him that I wish we could of spent more time together in his prime! He was such an adventurous soul like me and we had a deep knowing connection for each other!
          I also believe Big Acea had some of my grandma in him! Like you said this could all just be my own mind making this shit up but either way I love believing in it and I hear and feel messages and it brings me comfort and connection to the souls that have passed! So as long as I honor the soul in front of me each moment then I feel it is all just love! ✌🏼💚🐴

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          • February 2, 2021 at 8:52 am
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            I totally agree, Michelle, it all seems to happen in wiggidy ways, not nice and neat and linear! All the more fun and wonder to be had – like you said, as long as we honour the soul in front of us each moment…. love it!

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          • February 2, 2021 at 10:16 am
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            Nice to meet you Michelle! 🙂

            What you wrote made me remember something very relevant. One possibility also crossed my mind some time ago. I actually considered that it might be my Megi (previous pup) that helped me search/or sent to me Buba! (in Bulgarian that means Sweetheart btw. Strangely enough there was a day long before I even looked for puppies that I considered naming the future pup Sweetheart, which honestly sounds off in English. It didn’t feel right to give her any ordinary name and when I called her Buba – after 2 days of no suitable name callings – she started licking my face (for the first time!) and were reacting to the name immediately!)

            I don’t honestly understand how all this works, but one think I am sure of – it is beyond our comprehension as we live on this planet – and that is enough for me, I don’t feel obliged to explain how it works, or why, or look into books, because these things are truly working in their own ways, just like your story presents itself. I feel there is no general formula.

            Thank you so much Michelle for bringing this up, it moved something inside me that makes me wanna cry – I feel I can honour Megi this way for who she was/is and Buba as an individual as well. Reading your lines is reassuring that the two are interconnected – somehow – and I don’t need to know more. I can love them both freely.

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        • February 2, 2021 at 8:43 am
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          Oh my gosh your dog story is so good! I actually think these are really common, especially with dogs. Maybe it’s because they worm their way into our energy fields so exquisitely, unlike any other animal, really. I also totally get you constantly double-checking your intuition! I like to play between logic and magic, letting them inform each other. Sometimes I don’t know which is which anymore, because they both seem to work together to give permission to the other. Sometimes I feel 100% insane but at least I’m having a good time. It also helps to have friends like Jini, who is without a doubt far more crazy than I am! That is WILD that your new pup was born the day after your older dog. I mean, what does any of it mean? Does it matter, if it makes life as luscious and interesting as it does? Since you’ve graced me with the story of your pup, here is a story I wrote about my own dog death/grey-area reincarnation/what’s even happening scenario… it’s similar enough that I gotta share! http://www.kesianagata.com/stories/loukas-story/louka-bringer-of-light/

          I’ve been thinking about our conversation… So I would say that judgement at its most useful is discernment. If I see something I judge as dumb or bad, that just helps me discern where to put my energy (ie not there). But if I judge with attachment, wanting something to change to suit me, I’m throwing that energy away. Most of the time, I can let the thoughts go once I figure out my path through. If they persist, I may need to get curious about the other person’s experience, or what it is I want to unearth for myself and my own learning. So it’s not so much about stopping judgmental thoughts as it is sort of….loosening up around them. The guy in your example has done/felt/learned whatever he has in order to think the way he does now. And along the way he has made up stories to help him stay the “good guy” in his own story. And you’re right, his entire life would turn upside down if he started unpacking those stories!

          And YES! to finding an excuse for people and moving the F on! We do have limited capacity/time/energy, coping mechanisms help us get on with the more important stuff! I am SO sensitive to other people’s crap that I’ve had to figure out shorthand ways to let it all go, or move with it, or put a pin in it and come back later. As soon as I remember it doesn’t define me, and probably has nothing to do with me, and definitely is none of my business, I feel free again!

          I think that’s what all these creatures your (like your dogs, or Jax) are showing us by challenging our mental processes with stuff that goes far beyond. “Life is strange and beautiful, stay alert and pay attention! Be ready to move! Be ready to grow!”

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          • February 2, 2021 at 10:52 am
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            I like what you write on the energy not being wasted on something useless, but rather focus it on something productive. I love that and it makes perfect sense once given a thought!
            I can relate, I am extremely sensitive, too! At first, I thought I was just being off everything/everyone, like off the standard zone, but then in one video Jini was describing sensitivity of Posa (I think it was her), and how some might put her in a box of an ‘aggressive horse’ while she is just different, she is SENSITIVE and requires different approach.
            I perceive things some may not notice, and I may “overreact” sometimes which sets certain picture about me in my family’s or friends’ minds, but I feel better knowing I am not weird/bad crazy or anything like that. I am sensitive and I am learning to work with that. It helps a lot, getting to know myself from bits and pieces you girls put together online. I think as time passing by, you are also getting reassuring feedback from around the world that you should stick to what you do! (not an order, just a hopeful wish 🙂 ) <3

            That's the time I wish I didn't have to study, I'd much rather have these kind of conversations where, in my opinion, one learns much more about life and how to live it than at a university.
            I'll read Louka's story a bit later, thanks for sharing it. 🙂

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            • February 5, 2021 at 4:24 pm
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              So funny, to be having this conversation and get hit with a big load of judgement the other day! It didn’t feel good… but it was really good to just hang with it and accept it and see what it had to offer. Some times just being able to say to those parts of us, “hey, I see you” is all they need to move on through.

              Yeah the trick/life’s work with sensitivity is how to not shut it down but also not let it overwhelm us. Part of that is learning what are the best physical/emotional//mental/spiritual ways to support ourselves to be more robust. I’m really into the idea that it’s primarily a power, not a handicap…. but you’re in good company. Most people here, I think, are profoundly sensitive and finding all kinds of ways to nurture that. The horses are, of course, masters.

              And I hear you on studying, and how else that time and energy could be spent! I actually quit school essentially for that reason, and haven’t looked back….

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              • February 8, 2021 at 9:35 am
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                huh truly interesting that the same happened to me just this Saturday, being judged btw…It really doesn’t feel good. I was actually surprised how hit by that I got (the feeling stayed with me for hours after it happened). It kind of reassures me that it’s not cool to judge – I don’t want to cause the same uncomfortable feeling to anyone. Other than that I like your “I see you” part. Just acknowledging it helps.

                Yes, I feel that here I can freely share the reality how I perceive it, although always a bit insecure in that, but I keep pushing boundaries of feeling uncomfortable with hopes that one day I will just not think about this anymore; and myself will take it as a natural part of me, – not being concern about stating my opinions.

                Fortunately, I chose to study environmental issues we face these days and my eyes are being open to the injustices and other issues that are usually not discussed as being part of environmental problems. I tell to myself that this knowledge is important, that makes me keep going. Hopefully, I’ll use it well in the future.

                Oh, and I read about Orca and Louka and I kept scrolling up and down, once I finished, looking for more! 🙂
                Beautiful story, makes me feel a bit better about mine, or rather makes it sound more “realistic”. Fascinating how we try to give everything rules, organization, when life keeps proving to those who listen that there is no such thing, and that extra-ordinary is actually ordinary, we only need to look closer.

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                • February 8, 2021 at 9:42 am
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                  This is Megi 🙂

                  pic:

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                  • February 8, 2021 at 9:43 am
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                    And this is Bubichka 🙂

                    pic:

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  • February 8, 2021 at 4:55 pm
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    oh my gosh Daniela – they are both such gorgeous beings, with such PRESENCE! You are truly blessed.

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    • February 8, 2021 at 5:08 pm
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      Thank you Jini 🙂 since I am not objective here, it’s nice to hear how they “feel” to others.

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      • February 9, 2021 at 8:14 am
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        I agree with Jini!!! Lovely beings…..xxxxxxxxxxxx

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        • February 10, 2021 at 3:23 pm
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          Yes! Your dogs are absolutely gorgeous and really sending energy through their eyes… a really similar feeling from both of them though the expression is slightly different… Lovely to see/feel them!

          I always feel that the more solid each of us can feel that our experiences are, indeed, one totally valid facet of our experience as humans, the more we can provide that space for other people to solidify that for themselves. It keeps on radiating outward like this.

          And I also think we can draw these awarenesses and connections into every single other realm of our lives and work and what we do with ourselves, because we all know none of it is separate, none of really exists in its own bubble of “crazy woowoo animal lady”… if we are that, we are that in every role we play out in the world. And that’s how magic happens.

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          • February 10, 2021 at 4:42 pm
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            Megi is 12 or 13 yo on the photo, and Buba 7 months old , lol, just learning about life and house rules 🙂

            You truly write beautifully Kesia, love it. I only wish I could talk to myself as if I was my friend, cause I can be pretty persuasive/confident about something when it comes to help others, not so much when it comes to me. It’s so easy to be objective and faithful when it’s not personal!

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        • February 10, 2021 at 4:43 pm
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          I confirm, they truly are <3 🙂

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