I Dreamed Montaro Came Home

I sat down at my computer last week and there was a message waiting from Kesia:

“Jax and Taro asked for your help – they both lost their minds just a few steps up the back trail today. Jax had Fly with him but still couldn’t leave the herd. Then Taro wanted to go, and confidently strode out, got a little further, and pulled right out of my hands and went absolutely stampede.

First he went way up the track, then back, then all around the back piece of fence, then up the track, but yeah, ultimately he was trying to be back with the herd. And both these guys did the 6 km road walks with me! So it’s not like they can’t do it, or don’t want to leave. I’m not sure if it’s the trail, which is twisty and forested, and of course Louka [her wolf-dog] was crashing around… or if it’s specific to the boys anxious attachment to each other, maybe from being separated twice, if briefly?

Anyway I talked to them later and both said, MAKE JINI DO THE TAPPING THING 😂

Feels like a block between what they WANT and what they feel capable of – like they have more confidence and then they hit a wall. Whether that is fear or need to be with the herd or whatever. And they went from 0 to 100 on the overwhelm scale.”

We then had a discussion about various things on/about the trail that could cause that reaction. And Kesia ended with:

“Yes, I was feeling something dark/wiggidy about the trail itself. But if the boys do bug you for tapping, I think it is around the potential of separation. We were all feeling it today, kind of sharp and achey. I also wondered if it means Montaro has the next piece of where he’s going (and who is coming with). Hence feeling sad, and conflicted with Jax and our budding love; whether he stays or goes, his heart breaks.”

I connected in with the lads; Jax, Juno and Montaro that evening. I felt into whether they wanted me to do a Lazer Tapping session with/for them, but didn’t get any clear request or direction. And then I had a dream about Montaro that night.

In the dream, Montaro came home to the property we’re on now. He was tearing around and the whole herd was so excited. I was over the moon that he was home. Tons of people kept popping by to see him for a few minutes at a time. It was SO GOOD to see him in the flesh and have him back. Then Montaro settled down and grabbed a few mouthfuls of hay. Aude was on one side of him and Zorra on the other. As I watched them, I thought that I may need to add another feeder box, or move the existing feeders around. Because just ONE horse can change the entire dynamic/needs of the herd.

As he munched, everything just felt normal. Like he’d never been gone. This event, this movement, that had been so huge in my mind… was now gone. No longer relevant, or even present in our energy fields, it was like he’d never left. And then I woke up.

I wrote the dream down in my journal immediately. And by the time I had finished writing, the meaning of the dream – the energy behind it – began to filter through. The dream led me to examine the PURPOSE of the horses’ movements in the matrix we are building/spinning. So not to look at it from relationship, love, logistics etc. but solely in terms of Purpose.

And as Montaro has been counseling me for months now, just look at the VERY NEXT STEP. Don’t try to see more, or understand more.

I get a sense that this matrix/grid/haynet thing is SO dynamic, it’s like a painting, where you don’t/can’t actually KNOW what the finished piece will be – but if you stay in the process and in flow as much as you can, it will be as magical and amazing as you ever could have imagined.

So when I perceive from that perspective… I see that (as they told me would happen) the wildies have been able to come forward once the lads left. This year has been spent helping the wildies heal their human-induced wounds/trauma – getting them back to ground zero. The wildies have been sharing their process and teachings in the public YouTube videos, but they are really coming forward with next-level teachings in the Apprenticeship/Membership program.

The herd’s wisdom was that, for all of this to happen, the lads had to leave. Love, relationship and connection are all vitally important, but placed within the context of Purpose; of the reason(s) we incarnate on this earth plane… perhaps we humans place too much emphasis on physical love? Or rather, our perception of love. Many people comment on how much they miss Montaro, because he’s not in the YouTube videos. And they wonder how I’m coping with him gone. But is he really gone? If we are willing to sink into where true love and connection reside, then he hasn’t gone anywhere. I can connect and share love with Montaro at any time – through meditation or the dreamtime – and so can you.

The Singing Horse Herd of 11 in 2018

Montaro, Aude and Jax were semi-feral when I got them – although they were legally owned by a human, they’d had no contact or training and were left untouched on a large property, until they were run into a trailer to go to auction. The horse rescue immediately set about ‘gentling’ them and when I got them, a month or two later, I asked them to become halter-trained so we could go for walks. I also wanted to be able to lead them home if they ever escaped – which they did, when a visitor didn’t close a gate properly.

However, when the wild mustangs were culled (Kaliah, Siyone, Makah) I was in contact within a few days. So they had not been ‘gentled’ or halter trained or anything when I got them. I have purposely allowed them to remain as wild and untouched as they wish. Any touching that takes place (other than Makah’s castration) is at their request only. The same goes for their foals, Xadaa and Posa. Because here’s the question I’m interested in now: What is the value of wild?

What value is there in assisting animals to stay as wild as possible; even though the only way for them to stay alive is to live with us? Neither of us can change the fact that if they weren’t with me (or some other human) they would be dead. So given that this is our only option… what might the purpose be of this arrangement?

When I first met Kaliah, she flashed me pictures of them trying to capture her many times before; she knew how to elude capture. So why did she allow herself to be captured this time?

However, she kept her band of three together through the cull, delivery to the first rescue, and transfer to the second rescue. Then when I tried to trailer only her, she climbed over an arena panel and blew straight through a solid wood fence – at 9 months pregnant. However, she didn’t go through the fence on the left that led to freedom and hundreds of acres of wilderness, where her herdmates could have easily followed her. No, she went through the fence on the right side; that led to another paddock.

This is what a wild horse scaling an arena panel can look like

She wasn’t trying to escape her situation, she was simply sending me a crystal clear message that she would not be separated from her family, under any circumstances. So this family unit of wild horses came to me at a time in my journey where I was also willing to allow them full autonomy on this 33 acre property – other than castration for Makah and staying inside the property fenceline – they were free to never come within sight of me, if they wished.

So again, what is the value of wild, to us intensely domesticated humans, at this time? What role do the wildies play in this matrix? What are they here to offer, to teach us?

I ponder all 11 horses in the Singing Horse herd from the perspective of PURPOSE, from what I’ve experienced to date, what I’ve learned, and what’s happened up till now. I peer into things from the spiritual, energetic, emotional and physical planes of existence.

On a physical level, the wildies can’t come fully forward in their unique way as a herd, with Aude in charge. Aude’s energy is not wild. She is empowered and in full ownership of her own body, but she has entwined with humans. Aude’s connection and physical entanglement with me reigns supreme. The mustangs can’t even get a look-in when Aude wants to be with me, and none of them desires that physicality with me anyway. There has been a lot of teaching lately, where Aude physically withdraws (into the cow shed, or out on the ring road) so she is watching the wildies teach, but she has taken her physical body away, so they are not impacted by her.

So yes, the wildies can still come forward to teach, and to interact with humans while Aude is around, but they cannot function or be in their wild essence with Aude and Zorra’s energy in the herd. Of course, now that they’re living in a domestic situation and receiving food from humans, and their babies were born in captivity, they are no longer a wild herd anyway – that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying there’s a certain ‘quality’ or essence to wildness that is unique to these mustangs and I find myself wondering where they want to go with that next. What do they want to develop? What gifts/guidance does their unique perspective offer?

Unfortunately, when I look at PURPOSE, and where this matrix needs/wants to go next… at this point I don’t feel the boys coming home yet. The very next step might be Aude going up to Kesia’s farm to rejoin her family. I know she stayed here with me to help me through the separation from Montaro and Juno – we grieved our boy Junebug together. And surrogately pre-grieved for when we would lose our human boy Hugo, when he heads off to the UK to enter the world of pro footie. As I write this, my eldest son is also talking about going to the UK with Hugo and Dad. Yes, Dad, son and brother… when was the last time that happened?!! [For those of you new to this blog, Montaro and Jax are brothers and Juno is Montaro’s son]

Tiah

Let’s add a few more threads to this multi-colored tapestry we’re weaving… our female dog Tiah is unspayed. She’s six years old and has developed a lump on her chest. When I asked her body/spirit about it, she said, “This is the result of high levels of unused hormones; I either need to have puppies, or you need to spay me.” Well, my daughter Zara has always wanted Tiah to have puppies and Tiah herself would like to experience motherhood. So Zara has decided to take Tiah and our other dog, Kumba, up to Kesia’s farm in the Spring where she can continue the dog dynasty by breeding with Kumba’s sister’s son. Yes, we already have homes for all the puppies that may emerge, and some people have been waiting over two years for Tiah to breed.

However, Zorra (domestic Andalusian) has also been asking Zara to ride her for over a year now – but we don’t have access to any safe riding trails near our property. So Zara’s idea is to take Zorra with her to Kesia’s where there are tons of places to ride, far away from cars and roads. Zara is 18 now and had planned to travel after graduating from high school, but we all know what happened to those plans when Covid hit. So this would be the perfect adventure and experience for Zara – hugely expanding her horizons, resilience and perspective on life.

If Zorra goes up to Kesia’s with Zara (and Tiah and Kumba) in the Spring, and we have a trailer with two large box stalls… then perhaps this is the ideal time for Aude to rejoin her boys up at Kesia’s, if she chooses.

Last month, Aude sent Juliet a picture of her and Juno together soon. Of course we both had interpreted that as Juno coming home. But what if it’s the other way around? What movement best serves the purpose of the highest good?

Audelina has spent the last six years opening my heart and being a living example of the divine mother energy. Again, Montaro’s admonition to GET BIGGER rings through my ears. So we’re not just talking about getting bigger in terms of leadership, management, emotional resilience, financial capability/money energy, physical strength/resilience… this is also about my HEART getting bigger. Can my heart actually hold/allow/surrender to all this movement that feels a hella lot like loss? Will I be brave enough to allow my heart to actually FEEL everything?

The next day I spent a chunk of time bawling my eyes out with Aude. And I gave her permission to go, if that’s what she wants. I thanked her so much for staying with me and supporting me through the separation from the lads, and all the tremendous upheaval and challenges of these last 18 months. I told her how much her love and smooches have meant to me; that I can just melt into her, and her strong love, that she can hold me like no other. And even though part of me feels I couldn’t bear it, I also know that I too am in surrender to this highest good. No matter how much it hurts, and how many fricking family I have to lose, and for how frickin long. I’m in. For however long it takes, and whatever it requires of my heart, I’m all in.

So the very next step? For me, right now, it’s just to give PERMISSION for it all. For any/all movement that needs/wants to happen for the highest good. To allow my heart to be big enough to hold it all. As big as BIG MAMA. I’m not saying Aude is going to Kesia’s in the Spring, I actually have no idea. But it’s in the field of possibilities and my work is simply to do my own work, lean into my own expansion, and hold space for the highest good.

I Dreamed Montaro Came Home

16 thoughts on “I Dreamed Montaro Came Home

  • January 17, 2021 at 2:59 am
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    I was balling! But not negative tears! I got the email or what have you I set myself up to try the free tapping which I totally 100% believe in and I wanted to share it with my daughter so I didn’t do it right away so I just want to put a bug in your ear that you know right now it’s 5:50 in the morning and Goose Creek South Carolina East coast right outside of Charleston so anyways I’m hoping I didn’t miss my opportunity for the free session and that I would be able to you know go back into that email I’ve got to find it a lot happened you would think I would remember to do that first with a lot happening but instead it’s quite the opposite. But just thank you from the bottom of my heart just I mean obviously this is a fantastic thing I mean look at I was divinely guided to you and really loved you right away you know so…k, hoping my tapping email will stay good and I will try to do it today. I don’t mean to be selfish or to be a complainer but I noticed that meditating and all these key things that are so important to me that I’m just feeling I don’t know if I’m comfortable as the word or what but of everything in the five years since my Awakening started I seem to be struggling to do these key things. things that I feel had I started right away what you can’t cry over spoke milk I know this LOL I would be much more involved in my spirituality now. That coupled with the smoking and eating sugar still is probably no good and I hope it doesn’t actually stop me from evolving cuz as proud as I am of myself for all that I’ve accomplished because of where I started it can be overwhelming sometimes when I realize how far I have to go and some days that distance feels greater than others so there’s something to that size of your space when you’re in negativity or positivity I’ve noticed that the actual rooms and spaces literally enlarge or get smaller so cool. I don’t know why I’m rambling like this to you just sharing but I’ve really been a little bit lost for quite a while now nothing serious or you know nothing that I can’t handle but I just know that it’s one of those things where things will just naturally fall into place however I’m aware that I have an opportunity to fast track some things obviously not everything and had to take in that opportunity who knows I would probably be able to better explain this right now. And I’m feeling way too worried like always so I’m just going to stop here right now otherwise it could go on and on forever and I do apologize about that it’s something that I struggle not to feel ugly for isn’t that strange it’s not that big of a deal in this game of things people could always ignore you but for some reason anyway I love you all my heart and I love the horses with all of my heart I don’t know the true meaning of this expression to you right now but maybe it’ll be revealed sometime and maybe not everything has a damn meaning that needs to be discovered I have to remind myself of that too. all right beautiful soul please know that I thank you and that I think about you daily and the horses my goodness I think I’ve seen more than one of them come through some pictures but I’m the first one to admit that could definitely be wishful thinking on my part all right take care much love to you and the horses if you think about it as busy as you are if you could just literally say my name sounds like Lee Ann… Maybe just say to them Leanne loves you and even if you and they know something I don’t know about it it’s okay if it’s not a good idea that’s okay too everything is really okay okay beautiful enlightening being…loves ya

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  • January 17, 2021 at 5:28 am
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    Gosh, Jini. I’m so grateful for your process with the herd. I learn so much from all you flush out. “Will I be brave enough to allow my heart to actually feel everything?” This is the cleanse. You are one human who is modeling, through your attention to the purity of your animals, what love is. I marvel and learn and am refined.
    Thank you.

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    • January 21, 2021 at 1:08 am
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      Awww thanks Anne! I find it challenging to define what “love” is actually… like humans have so polluted the concept that all the culture-specific, religion-specific, gender-specific definitions we have just don’t ring true to me…

      So what you’ve written here is really cool – how does love relate/express via the purity of animals? Hmmm…. xox

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  • January 17, 2021 at 6:05 am
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    Wow!
    Even before I got to the part about “getting bigger”….. when you are musing about wildness….. the sense that humans, inside our little boxes we call home and inside the bigger boxes we call “city”, are energetically completely different from the expansion into Sky and Weather and claiming/embodying into THAT part of us which gets activated when naked and open under the sky, bare feet touching the Earth. That largesse came a-knocking while I was reading this.
    Such cool stuff happening, Jini!
    ❤️❤️❤️

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    • January 21, 2021 at 1:10 am
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      That’s just gorgeous Christina!! I spent the first 5 years of my life naked, on the red earth of Kenya, so I HEAR ya!

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      • January 22, 2021 at 4:44 am
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        Right! Goosebumps, I forgot about that aspect of your background.
        So curious how the call to “getting bigger” will pan out for you guys.
        Big smooches! Can’t wait until I can visit again ❤️

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  • January 17, 2021 at 7:42 am
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    Wow Jini. So much to process eh? Reading this brought up some grief and tears of losing my boy prowler coming 4 years ago now.
    I really admire y0ur ability to think so expansively and feel into the possibilities. What if aude and your other mare left and montaro came back? I have. A feeling that there’s some balance/exchange that wants to happen there. I’m not sure why but thought I would share the thought.
    Funny that you were talking about the web as that was part of my own process yesterday while journaling and thinking about allowing a friend to be vacant from my life for a while as she processes grief that I became entwined in. I was going to write her a letter to let her know that I know what has happened but then I realized I didn’t need to do that. I can lover her and hold space for her in my heart and imagine the love going through the web and to her heart so she can heal and I can receiver her love that way too.
    I’m surprised I’m sharing all this here lol but I am trusting it. Much love to you during this time of extreme letting go (your current reality tv show ;-)) xo

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    • January 21, 2021 at 1:14 am
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      Yes I recently had a similar ‘separation’ with a friend. Everytime she pops into my head I actively send her love and compassion – wherever she gets to in this lifetime, there’s no judgement, only compassion. It’s all good.

      And interesting concept… I had not considered Montaro coming back and Aude and Juno staying! I guess I just didn’t think Juno would want to be separated from Dad. BUT, why not? He’ll still have mum and Uncle Jax, so… I guess we’ll see! xox

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  • January 17, 2021 at 8:11 am
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    When I read this …what came to mind for me is the idea of you also going in that direction? Maybe your land is calling you in that direction and the horse and human souls are helping guide you that way? If everyone is gone people wise? Why not? From everything Kesia describes her place is definitely wild at least in this time on earth!
    So much for you to ponder! I send you love and support for strength to go with the flow! It is a shit ton of emotions in so many directions…I feel comforted that you are so strong and resilient…as a normal mortal might not be able to hang!
    ✌🏼💚🐴

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    • January 21, 2021 at 1:18 am
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      Yes, it’s VERY strange that I haven’t visited Kesia yet. But I am open to anything that needs/wants to happen, so why not? Even though Ian has stated he will NEVER live in the interior 😉 Who knows?? I have to admit, I did wonder about that when Aude started talking about going to Kesia’s…

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  • January 17, 2021 at 8:54 am
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    Hello Jini,
    Montaro has been meeting up with me during the twilight time between wakefulness and sleep. He is such an example of an extremely powerful king! He comes in awake dreams where I am a participant who has the choice to stay or leave. He has such an expressive face! He lets me know that I am not alone and that there is the matrix where healing takes place and teaches about acceptance, courage and imparts wisdom and purpose. He chooses to show up when I am open on a spirit level. The language or method he is using is beyond the scope of my physical ability to understand with the human brain and requires that I trust him on ‘the open plain’ and that no harm will come from this interaction. I think he is teaching me how to be much more open within the matrix when I’m awake. If I can agree to this then I will be enormously bigger, more flexible and free to be here now and also be there now.
    And while I am on the subject of becoming bigger, is there another wildie who is waiting for Listen to Your Horse to bring him into the herd? Is it Montaro who is to come home or another? Just ask’in…..
    I’m also being asked to respond to the question, ‘What’s next?’. Not Why or How? which puts me directly into the path of the past; but, What’s next? which opens the present moment. I am not capable, alone, to feel it all, do it all, be it all. I need to join this enormous community within the matrix.
    Most recently my familiar, Willow, the dog that lived in my home who was at my side for 18 years in this reality, who was so in tune with my spirit; well, her body stopped working. It wasn’t unexpected but I would have put it off indefinitely. As she left, she licked our hands and told us she understood our distress and offered comfort even as she passed. I miss her physical presence as I miss Bridget, who was an angel in the form of a black lab who was also somewhere around 20 years old when her earthbound body broke causing her to leave. She was, of course, exactly who I needed before Willow. It seems strange to have this home without a ‘pet’. Awful word, isn’t it?
    This cool stuff happening, Jini is bringing my present wildies into focus. There are the deer, bunnies, all the birds, the feral cats, the skunks and racoons—well the list feels endless. How can I possibly feel alone! Like all the water, plants, bugs, herbs, trees, earth, soil, rocks, etc. So, I can mourn the loss of those in the past or I can chose to see what is right before me. And even now, those who have ‘left’ are accessible. Weird and wonderful.
    Thank you for staying the course. May your journey continue to open the vast abundant heart speak that you and yours may flourish.
    With love, C

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    • January 21, 2021 at 6:43 pm
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      NO! No more horses!! LOL Well, not until we get the California sanctuary happening (or wherever it’s meant to be – I officially don’t know anything anymore!).

      Your interactions with Montaro are incredible!! That is SO beyond cool and you’ve managed to explain it so well that I really get a sense of what’s happening. Also, this is exactly how I feel when Zorra or Kaliah work on me:

      “The language or method he is using is beyond the scope of my physical ability to understand with the human brain and requires that I trust him on ‘the open plain’ and that no harm will come from this interaction.”

      I keep wondering if this matrix will remain an energetic or higher dimension reality, or if the longer-range plan is to have some physical manifestation of it too… and what might that be, or look like?? I don’t think about it much, just flits through my head from time to time…

      18 and 20 years old! Wow your dogs stayed with you way past the physical norm – true love warriors. And of course, they are still with you. I wonder which animal partner will find their way to you next… and of course, whenever it’s meant to be. All these things we do not need to be concerned about, if we can only trust… that’s the never-ending journey/challenge isn’t it?

      Anyway, so lovely to hear from you – I was wondering how you were doing and it feels like BIG openings/shifts. Namaste sister.

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  • January 17, 2021 at 9:59 pm
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    Hey Jini,
    Wow! I do feel for you. So much to adjust to. I too am grieving the loss of my youngest son at the moment, howling like a banchee! at times. He’s moved a long way away to follow his path. My heart feels like its being ripped out when I’m in the midst of feeling it but feel I do.
    I know to let go is to provide space for something else to emerge.
    I also got onto a site that does hospice for canines as i feel I’m being prepped for the transition of my old girl.

    And it’s also been made clear to me I have to get my young bitch Pip spayed to prevent growths etc. asap.

    Permission to go is the phrase that particularly strikes me in your sharing.
    Thankyou for being so courageous Jini.
    I just love your youness, absolutely inspirational!
    Big hugs
    Erin from Aus💚🌳🐎

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    • January 21, 2021 at 6:47 pm
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      Thank you Erin 🙂 And oh… first your son and then your dog in the next while… yes, we need to hold onto the space of opening, the space of possibility. FEEL the leavings, the loss… and also hold space for the new elements that can now emerge. It’s no small challenge! xoxo

      Reply

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