When I lost the lads to Kispiox, two years ago, what made it bearable was Juno saying to me the night before they left, “None of us wants to go. It’s what needs to happen for the next piece to happen.” And I got an image of pieces on a locked chessboard, where nothing can move until the linchpin piece moves.
This wasn’t about our love for each other, this was about our work, the purpose we came together for. And when you really, truly love someone, you support their highest good.
Real love is not limited to cuddles and kisses, emotional support and friendship. Those things are lovely, and they are important. But BIG LOVE goes beyond the physical realm.
Can we ever separate the heart-openness of love from pain? As we live in this dualistic dimension of light/dark. Can there be just ONE version of love that is ALL light, all yin? I think not…
This was never more real as I cried, off and on, the last few days, before the lads left for Kispiox (16 hours North) . I cried every time I thought about ‘losing’ my herd. No. No, we cannot separate the heart-openness of love from pain. It is the wholeness of the heart center. The heart chakra, fully open, front and back. I thank the herd for having gifted/taught me the space of IT IS. Dwelling in surrender to the highest good, sunk into the IT IS space, the pain is there, but not the drama.
Just like fear makes physical pain 100 times worse than it needs to be, so does emotional drama (whipping up the energy of loss or wounding) make emotional pain 100 times worse. But sitting with this sadness, pain, loss, in the IT IS space, surrendered to the highest good, I realize that the heart-open quality of this experience of pain also has a wholeness to it.
Am I finally getting a glimpse of knowing/understanding the yin/yang state?? Me, who dwelled so very many years in the victim state? This is truly remarkable. Talk about GETTING BIGGER!
When I think about what LOVE is… I think about unconditional love, agape love. I can’t separate love from compassion. If I have developed my capacity to hold everyone in compassion and unconditional love, then that includes the person who is mutilating or killing me. So love is very linked to ‘the highest good of all’. It is beyond good/bad, or light/dark. It’s a state of being, a container your heart/soul holds. It is not a feeling that shifts like leaves blown about, based on people’s words or actions. So I guess the closest descriptor I can find for love is ‘compassion’.
I don’t think our human selves have the ability to hold this unconditional compassionate space during extreme duress (torture, abuse, etc), we must open to channel it, to connect to Source which is far deeper, greater than our own capabilities.
Author Penny Kelly has a really good definition for love:
“Love is a force that draws things together, that allows form to take shape, that allows energy to move. Love is a force of gratitude and cooperation that draws things to you. It is self-sustaining.
When you have love in place, all of the frequencies are cooperating and creating and the question they’re asking is, what can we build? What can we create? Because everything creates. Because it is the nature of consciousness to create. So when you have love, you have this cooperative force where the frequencies will adjust themselves so they can continue to build.”
What if we were able to have a visceral experience of the concept of life as NOT good/bad, but all emotions, states of being, actions, simply being different colors. No judgment. This action is yellow, and this one is blue. Completely different, perhaps opposite – but neither needs to be classified as ‘good’ nor ‘evil’. They’re just different colors on the spectrum of incarnated experience. That’s the analogy that makes the most sense to me, personally. This short poem from Kaliah illustrates what I mean:
If the 3 lads – Juno, Montaro and Jax – needed to leave the herd to create space for other elements to move… so that we can move a step or two closer to manifesting our own land… so be it.
Over the two years since they left, Montaro (and also Jax) have taught me how physical distance has very little to do with connection, intimacy, and love. Jax showed up during a healing session for my shoulder – gave me instructions and also instructed Juliet (the therapist) and Kaliah (who was also helping). He pulled energy from Moonlight Mountain up in Kispiox and threw it over me during the session.
Montaro has connected with me repeatedly – offering guidance when I ask, giving me instructions for the herd, showing up during my meditations. There has been no distance, no separation between us.
Due to this fluency with energetic connection/reality, when my husband and youngest son (Ian and Hugo) went to the UK for 3 months, I did not even miss them! Keep in mind, Ian and I have not been apart for longer than 2 weeks since we were married, 26 years ago. And the longest I had been away from Hugo was 1 week. How is this possible??
I don’t know. But I do know that if we work intimately with our horses, they can lead us into dimensions they inhabit, that most humans have lost, or turned away from.
The lads had to leave, because we didn’t have enough space for 11 horses here, and we were no closer to owning our own land, we were in gridlock, stalemate, and something had to shift, so that everything else could start to move.
Of course, the universe and horses are multi-taskers, there is rarely just one factor at work. There were other reasons they had to make the trip; Montaro needed to rest physically and work energetically with the land and Kesia, Jax needed to take a big step forward in his life’s work (more details here), and Juno needed to transition from ‘boy to man’. And I needed to stop reeling from disaster to disaster, created by overcrowding and lack of resources.
Perhaps I also needed more motivation to up-my-game to the next level of urgency/commitment to getting us land – knowing that I would not have them with me again, until I got us land! As their trailer pulled away, taking my heart with it, I knew that IT’S ON. Everything Montaro Sensei had tutored me on, over the last 3 years, now needs to kick into high gear to make this land happen for us.
A big piece of moving us towards land of our own, is working deeply with the land we are currently on! WHY are we being held here? As I sunk deeper into connection with this gorgeous, doomed piece of land (slated for townhome development), Güliz brought Juliet to meet me and the herd. Juliet was the next piece of the puzzle, clicking into place. She works most strongly with Earth energy. So when she arrived, the herd spent about 6 months bringing her up to speed (i.e. asking/forcing her to GET BIGGER) and then our deep work with this land began.
Most of the details of that work are given in the Members area, but it involved singing/toning to the land, working/healing the ancestors on the land, releasing trauma trapped in the earth (like an abscess or tumor in Gaia’s flesh), and working with the tree elders.
As with any healing journey, with each step in the process, Juliet and I were also growing our skillset, our capacity to work at this new level, to be able to hold/flow this much energy… we were GETTING BIGGER.
I’ve always wanted to have big land for the herd (over 100 acres). How much bigger do I have to get to be able to attract/manifest/handle that much land??