Audelina Assigns Me an Exercise to Prepare for Riding

I was talking to Audelina about riding… if she wanted to do that, how she’d like to go about it, etc. And she assigned me an exercise.

She told me to go stand on a tall box, or one of the hay feeders, and hold my intention/vision/desire/ask as I stand there. She said that when my desire, what I was asking for, was clean and clear, and my energy was right/good, she would come up alongside me – positioning herself so that I could get on her back.

So I started out standing on a slowfeeder for a while. Then I overturned one of the alfalfa boxes in the middle of the big barn and stood there. And stood there. Breathed, fidgeted, and stood some more.

I realized that asking for what I want with my whole heart/body is a very vulnerable place for me! Saying “I’m flexible, whatever happens is fine,” is a form of protection – a way to not get my feelings hurt, or feel sad, or disappointed.

Of course, being in that state does not result in Aude coming anywhere near me! And unbeknownst to me, Aude had also told Juliet to film me:

Standing on the slowfeeder – what is my body saying?
Now what’s my body saying?
How about now? Check out where I’ve positioned my feet!

My body was showing me that I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted, yet also stay in softness and allow Aude her own desires.

Juliet said, “I feel like Aude is trying to show you that balance of yin/yang; the balance of trusting & asking… and taking & allowing.”

Nope – still not there. Do I look certain, confident, open and positive? Or do I look folded-in, ungrounded, tentative and apologetic?

As Juliet observed Aude and I, she asked me, “How do you hold that space of ‘hopeful expectation’ without attachment to the outcome?” And that’s what I don’t know how to do – because I’m more of an intense person by nature. So I know how to hold a hopeful expectation, and I know how to let things go. But combining the two states and holding them simultaneously is something I’m not very good at. So how do I hold a focus (an ask, a desire) but hold it loosely, so it’s not a pressure, or a tightness?

After another 15 minutes or so of fumbling, that was it. I called it a day as I just couldn’t get anywhere near the state Aude was asking me to hold.

Childhood conditioning about desire

The second time I tried this exercise (just stand on a box with my invitation/desire to ride and when my energy is right/good, the horse will engage) Aude and I were in the hay arena and there were no other humans present.

As I stood on the box again, trying to hold that clean/clear desire, but without any pressure, all these experiences from my past rose up. I remembered the way my father would discover what I wanted and then purposely make it really difficult for me to get it. His intention was to teach me good negotiating skills, tenacity and persistence – with a bit of gleeful triumph at thwarting me thrown in. But what I also took from those experiences, was to hide what I wanted. To not hope or care for what I really wanted – because then it didn’t hurt so much when I never got it.

I remember talking with a neighbourhood parent about our 2-year-old sons and he said, “Well life is hard and you never get what you want, so he might as well learn that now.” I was horrified – that is what you want to teach your child??

As these memories arose, and as I owned them and did a bit of tapping to clear them from my mind/body/soul, Aude began to engage.

After clearing my crap, I managed to stay light, hopeful, and really clean – and we had the most wonderful, intimate, blissful connection. At one point she pressed her whole face into my chest and then hugged me with her neck. When she lined up alongside me, I didn’t even want to sling a leg over her back. Our connection was so blissful, I merely placed my hands on both sides of her neck, just above her withers and felt like I was on her back. It was perfect. And more than enough for that day.

Cobra stood motionless, watching us intently the entire time. I think he’d like to do the exercise at some point too. The arena is a space that can work well, because the horse can munch their alfalfa in peace and doesn’t have to watch for anyone, or be disturbed when engaging. As we go along, it will be interesting to see who wants to do it in the arena, and who prefers the herd/barn. And yes, did you notice that I gave her alfalfa at the beginning of this exercise? This is true freedom of choice; no withholding of treats or rewards, no manipulation to achieve the desired behaviour.

This is a great exercise and it’s so illuminating what comes up! Whether you want to explore fully consensual riding, or improve your manifesting skills – because asking a horse and asking the universe is energetically very similar! As energetic creatures, the horse will show you where your ‘ask’ is conflicted, muddy, or unclear. Your blocks and saboteurs will pop and offer themselves up for healing/integration.

Manifesting your desire across all areas

The third time I did this exercise, we were in the process of trying to buy a house with 12 acres. If you’ve followed this blog for a while, then you know how much I would love to finally be able to live with the herd! Our offer had been accepted, with the stipulation that we sell our current house in 2 weeks! If we couldn’t sell our house, then the deal was off. So I came to the horses with the intention of asking them to show me if I was blocking the sale in any way (a hidden saboteur?), or if there’s anything I could do energetically to make the deal happen?

Of course, this is the perfect exercise for the horses to show/teach me where my manifesting skills need to be tweaked.

Aude, Siyone, Makah, Kaliah, and Zorra were all in the sheltered/paddock area. And I stood on the slowfeeder in the paddock. Kaliah immediately looked at me with intensity and Makah with curiosity.

I started off with my eyes closed so that I could focus on my intention and what I wanted. Which was for a horse to come up alongside me, broadside where I could reach my hand to their withers. I communicated to the wildies that I didn’t need to touch their withers. I would just extend my hand energetically to their withers once they stood next to me, and make that connection. While holding images of riding on their back and how enjoyable that would feel for me.

Note that I’m not trying to tell them what the experience of carrying a human will feel like for them! That is for them to share with me, if they choose to try the experience I’m offering.

As Kesia said, when we discussed this process:

“Owning your desire… Your desire is for you. Not for anyone else to fulfill – that becomes expectation. The desire itself is high sensation, especially when it is attached to more. Staying with the sensation, letting it move through your body until it becomes pure creative energy, a magnetic invitation to all that you desire… and holding for as long as you can bear.”

Well, the first thing that happened, after I closed my eyes and really focused in on that intention, and sent them the images of what I wanted, my desire, was that I felt it was now too intense. So I opened my eyes and I held the same ask or intention with my eyes looking at everything and enjoying the sun. By this time, I’d been standing there for about 10 minutes.

Makah then walks towards me (my heart smiles with hope) and past me. Kaliah draws a bit closer, opposite me, and looks at me head on. She says, “Impatience is not trustworthy.” I think about that for a while and I feel into the energetic reality of impatience and I totally get why that is a completely unsafe state to be in, especially when asking for something to happen. If I get on a horse’s back when I’m impatient to get going, or to get what I want, then I’m not in a place of listening, or compassion, or gentleness, or openness, or flexibility, or trust. As the understanding sinks in and I actually GET what she’s saying, I repeat it out loud: Impatience is NOT trustworthy. As I say the words she walks up alongside me and stops with her head right near my legs.

So a few things now occur simultaneously to me: Firstly, that she has given me 90% of what I asked for. And I feel the question hanging there, is this enough? Should I just accept that this is fine for now? Or should I continue to hold my original ask?

The second thing, is that I feel unsafe with her teeth so close to my legs, since her ears are pinned back. So I adjust my position and I step back with one leg so that my body can feel relaxed and safe again. Remember, this is a lesson that the horses have given over and over again – do not confuse intimacy/love with safety! We must stay 100% responsible for the safety of our own body and not try to put that responsibility onto others.

As I feel into whether I should accept this answer, or not. I feel that I still have more to learn and I would like to continue on with this exercise. So I say that to Kaliah and I ask her, what else do I need to know? She doesn’t answer me but merely holds that space of making me feel uncomfortable in my body!

So I start thinking about what I can do, or shift to feel more comfortable. So I start singing. But the tune I choose has minor chords, and it doesn’t feel right at all. That’s when Kaliah says to me, “What music do you hear or feel when you are riding?” So I have to go back to my childhood when my mare Dobbin and I used to meander around the roads, just swinging my legs in the sun and filled with happiness. And I find that song and I sing that song. That’s when Kaliah moves up alongside me with her withers opposite me. And as I keep singing I’m not sure if it’s from her or me, but I realize I need to bring that music through my body so I start to move and bop around a little bit and that’s when I get the, “Well done,” from her.

I’m now energetically fully connected with her back, her withers, her neck, her belly – although my physical body has no desire to get on top of her body. I did it! I managed to hold and fully embody my desire, my ‘ask’, with right energy. Blending the yang of my want/desire, with the yin of softness, play and lightness.

So although the horses are teaching me how to ride a horse with full permission and mutual desire (which also doesn’t require tack – unless the horse asks for some) they are simultaneously teaching me how to go to the next level of manifesting. There is no difference. I encourage you to give this exercise a try. And if you don’t have horses of your own – you can do it with a cat, or a wild animal, a bird, or an insect. It’s all good.

p.s. We don’t know yet whether we will get the 12 acres yet, or not. We have not received an offer on our house, the market has suddenly shifted and we have one week until the deadline. It’s all good, as our energy/desire is clear and we are holding space for the highest good of all. If not this, then something better 🙂

p.p.s. We did not get the 12 acre property. Instead we got 160 acres! You can read that story, starting here.

Audelina Assigns Me an Exercise to Prepare for Riding

18 thoughts on “Audelina Assigns Me an Exercise to Prepare for Riding

  • April 18, 2021 at 8:32 am

    I sit here in my livingroom in tears remembering my hope without expectations. I ask my dear, dear friend if it is okay for me to share our story and I feel/hear a resounding yes.

    We, Alice and I, were in my kitchen where I was asking her to move out. She crossed a line……she’d asked to move in just two short weeks prior. I’d been unaware that she was so fully caught up in a drug addiction when I said yes, that I had room in my home to temporarily house her and her boyfriend. Apparently in the evenings, when I went off to bed, the drugs came out and were offered to my children. My kids came to me and said either Alice leaves or they would….this coming out of my mid-teenage children. Where my kids planned to move to was moot, I had to act immediately.
    So, there we were in the kitchen with me reaching out and honestly telling Alice why she had to leave. I took her beautiful face between my loving hands: she had to move out. If she didn’t fix this addiction it was going to kill her. She didn’t deny it; and she was gone within the hour having completely fallen into her shame from the fact that she could have been instrumental in harming my kids. After a tear stained apology she was gone.
    From that day forward I kept hope without expectation in my heart. It was always aimed at her. This balance, much like what you describe. I believed, and never stopped believing, that one day she would find her way to recovery and then we could be together again. I stood on the hay bin…quietly and with love waiting. She knew I waited; she knew my heart was open but I was staying safe.
    Alice knew that where she found mind and body altering drugs liberating, I found them to be damaging and harmful. She could steal and live without shoes in the winter if she had to to keep her drug supply going; I lived a very tamer life style, not without its own trauma and hurts, but, I managed to sidestep the inclusion of drugs.
    Time and again I’d hear whispers about her decline and I’d pray and continue to believe. The day came when I got a call from her family, she was in the hospital in a coma. I went to see her and we spent an afternoon together. Me in quiet meditation sitting by her side; she wherever we go when we try to commit suicide by overdosing on our insulin and screwing up our brains completely and in need of life support to stay alive. We talked the afternoon away in remembrance till I finally asked aloud how it was that she was in this captured state. She no longer in control of her fate; stuck on a machine with no chance for any recovery what-so-ever. A nurse happened to hear me and told me Alice’s daughter was now in control…..a mere 19 year old child.
    Does hope without expectation go away? If there isn’t expectations, then as things unfold there is only wonder at what happens next.
    Alice’s decision to die was abundantly clear. I grabbed my courage and helped her daughter to release her.
    At the funeral, a close friend of Alice grabbed me in a big hug. She was so happy to meet me. Alice told her all about me and what a great friend I was and how much she loved me.
    And so now I live here and she lives there….wherever that is. I still have hope but now with expectant hope mixed in because I know she lives, just in another way. So, we are at another level, spot, area. Who would have thunk that she would meet me on the hay bin this way? Or that this is how she would recover?

    • April 18, 2021 at 7:13 pm

      Sometimes we just can’t get there in this lifetime Claudia. And sometimes we use an incarnation for the express purpose of exploring something that may not make sense, or appear tragic to others. Our soul’s journey is twisty and winding – and that’s the point 🙂

  • April 18, 2021 at 8:36 am

    I love it, I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!
    A LOT to think about!

    I appreciate the most the part on one’s own safety.
    When our pup was young, I felt responsible 100% for my own safety being aware it’s just a baby dog, so bites can occurre (especially when you hold a favourite toy…). As she is growing older, I noticed some level of maturity so I started to (after reading this post I’ll put it accordingly) put the responsibility for my own safety onto her! When she is excited and I am holding a small ball outside she sometimes jumps full force at my hand (I wonder why there is no blood sometimes…). It’s painful but nothing serious and I tend to give her shit for that: like doesn’t she see that it’s my hand she’s getting onto?
    It keeps happening, so I figured there was a message there and honestly I did go back few months (in my mind) thinking I should be responsible and careful about where/how I hold my body near her and that was clashing with – but she should know better!

    Thanks Jini for putting it out there – it brought me out of uncertainty on how to act. What you wrote makes perfect sense and I’ll put that in practice immediately. At the same time, how dumb am I…if I am careful enough, no accidents will happen and there’s gonna be no pain and no shit giving to the dog for “not behaving” which captures the responsibility being on me perfectly. Sometimes we need to be told precisely what (not) to do. 🙂

    • April 18, 2021 at 7:11 pm

      Yes, I have a dog who loves to jump up to grab a stick and he always grabs close to my hand! So it’s my responsibility to gradually teach him to grab further away. I haven’t figured out yet WHY his default is to grab it as close to my hand as he can…

  • April 18, 2021 at 8:42 am

    I seriously am continually in awe of how much I adore this blog and the emotions and synergy it provides for me! So much (as usual) resonates with my experiences! When Dreamer and I first came together my heart and head were so pure and my desire and flow were so intune and wide open to possibility yet detached from expectations! He was seriously my Dream come true and I felt there was nothing we couldn’t accomplish together but at the same time felt all he gave was such a gift and I was so grateful! He was so drawn to me and sometimes I was in disbelief of how willing he was to indulge me in so many of my desires! I absolutely love what Kesia said! Because I can feel through the years (especially after his founder …so much guilt which serves nothing) how my energy has changed in regards to riding and interacting with Dreamer and it has been the same with Buck! It’s like I lose that pureness of the discovery of the relationship and the lack of expectation that the newness and unknowing brought! I have been trying to find that hopeful non expecting flow again! I have moments here and there but default back to guilt and then let’s go! What a horrible combination for a horse to have to feel! When I am able to hold that open possibility of flow energy the horses connect with me so easily and so willingly! It’s pure bliss and I am full of pure joy! Then I lose it and I can feel everything shift! I also have found singing/music is so helpful to me finding that energy that is so pure/clean! It was also so natural for me as a child to have this pure energy!

    My father was not exactly the positive/flow/pure energy kind of guy! He had a lot of unresolved pain from his father (physical abuse) and I know he did the best he could and he did nurture my animal connection to a degree but in the everyday he was filled with a lot of gloom and anger! This translated to me in various ways and most likely affects me now more then I think!

    Manifesting is something I am living and engaged with a lot! But interestingly enough I have just realized I don’t apply much anymore to the horses? As I am now pondering this…? Maybe because of the guilt I have for my various mistakes through the years with them! Some were really bad like Dreams founder or Bullets trailer trauma? When it comes to general life and especially money I feel I am able to have such pure intentions with no expectations with a fluidity that is so simple and with ease. The results are astounding and money has become like fluid water and it flows to us and allows us to live in a way that is so peaceful and comfortable! I do ask that life goes the way that it is meant to be even with getting the land we now occupy… that I wanted and desired so immensely. I held space and said if it is meant to be then please allow it! I think that’s the key is being open to the fact that some of our desires are not meant to be (or at least not at that particular moment) and that when we trust and believe in that life brings such organic flow and rhythms! I have witnessed this time and time again! Especially with riding! I might not want to pause as long as Dreamer and when I can be patient and not force movement it seems so often just a short time later I see why? Like a big truck and trailer flying by at high speed and where we were was safe and I say wow how did you know? This has happened so many times that now I (mostly)have an easier time listening! But even out on the trail when I can be in flow and not rush I see the uncanny ability horses have of knowing how to flow! Peace flow and patience are all one in the same! Looking forward to your continued exploration of this energy and one too! I also think the separation (your arena) that is offered allows one on one connection and it can really facilitate a honing in that I have found harder with the four horsemen all together! Not that there’s not many times herd support is so helpful again it’s all about being open!

    • April 18, 2021 at 7:28 pm

      Beautiful Michelle! And yes, the herd and the arena are both good spaces – again, the key is CHOICE.

      How can you heal that guilt? That seems to really be holding you back… and of course psychologically you understand how futile/useless that is, but it’s sticky…

      Check out the individual tapping sessions here… maybe the one on Perfectionism?

      It’s SO interesting with this 12 acres – because I used this exercise to make sure that my energy was clean/clear around it, so that when I offered it “to the highest good” I was actually congruent. Now, not only has our house not sold, but the neighbour of that 12 acres has placed a full-price, no subjects back-up offer on ours. And they found out about the sale because we went round to meet them and perhaps discuss sharing land (they have goats and a llama so ideal mixed-species grazing). So perhaps the highest good is for them to have the land! It’s such an interesting process… combined with the covid chaos and Hugo and Ian leaving for the UK on Friday… I don’t know what the heck is happening! LOL

  • April 18, 2021 at 10:15 am

    Wow, I see how dropping my energy can manipulate others. I see how my impatience overrides others desires. I’m just glad to read what you wrote. Thank you for how you write of your process with the herd.

    • April 18, 2021 at 7:09 pm

      You’re welcome Anne 🙂 And I’m not saying that what they teach me is applicable for everyone… perhaps each person needs to do things slightly differently? Or just take what is meaningful.

  • April 18, 2021 at 11:23 pm

    What a wonderful balancing practice! And so hard!

    I often feel how my impatience, my pushing, my shame, my guilt, my self doubt, my self criticism… get in the way of being present and connected with the horses. The leading mare of our herd always clocks me on this and shows me the importance relaxation, attention, breathe, clarity, lightness, flow, enjoying the moment…

    And it is so true that we have to be true to our desire, but that it is our responsibility not to project it onto others, but rather to sublimate it, to this clear and clean and creative energy.

    Thank you so much for this practice.

    • April 19, 2021 at 9:50 pm

      You’re welcome Sofia. And aren’t you fortunate to have such a strong, clear lead mare to mirror back your energy/state to you and show you a better way. What a blessing. 🙂

  • April 20, 2021 at 12:46 am

    Dear Jini,

    Thank you for all the inspiration and the whole new level of possibilities your writing offers me in my search for a good contact and relationship with horses. Me and my daughter of 13 years have now for about a year own our first horse, a Fjord mare. After a couple of years of caring for horses owned by other people.
    You writing made me recall on one hand our own ‘life event’ seven years ago of selling our home to be able to move out of the town to live more close to nature. Not an easy thing to do in the Netherlands, a small and crowded country. I felt the dreams, hopes, desires, insecurity and inpatiency you mention. We did manage. And I hope and wish from my heart you will too.
    For now I am busy with the steep learning curve of how to relate to my horse in a fair and open relationship, giving her as much respect, love and freedom I can. Though I have had good trainers in natural horsemanship who opened my mind for not working with dominance or punishment, your way of thinking, feeling and doing inspires me a lot to dare to search for more intuitive contact, to ask for her permission and her wisdom and to find that ‘spot on the haybox’ and the state of mind you just described. Thank you for that all.
    I hope I can send you and your herd a tiny bit of good energy to help you move things your way about buying this property.

    • April 20, 2021 at 3:22 pm

      It’s just way more FUN, stimulating and fulfilling when you co-create and co-learn/explore with your horse in full strength and expression. “Training” – look what I can make this animal do! Is just not even appealing after you’ve experienced sentient intimacy in this way. It’s a journey!

      And thank you so much for holding space for land for us. This has been an unbelievable journey over the last 6 years and I’ve learned SO much through this process of “manifesting land”. I’m trying to distill it all down into a series of posts to share…

      • April 30, 2021 at 10:45 am

        Dear Jini,

        Did you manage to buy the property you were hoping to buy? I had been thinking of you and the herd often during the last week.

        Today I made one step ahead listening to my horse, I feel.
        She is not willing to give her hind feed to clean or care for. The lady I bought her from said she never did and she didn’t know why. I would like to make my horse see that it would be better for her if she would let me care for all her feet. But I decided not to force her. I did ask her for about a year to lift her hind feet for me. A long time she dind’t, but for the last months she is willing to lift her feet for a few secornds if I ask, but does not let me clean her hoofs.
        She was today relaxing in the field and layed down to rest. I walked to her and sit besides her for a while. Then asked her if it was ok if I touched her hind feed. She stayed relaxed, so I did. Then I asked if she was OK with me if I tried to clean them. She stayed calm and half sleeping and I could carefully observe and then clean her both hind feet for the first time. I was touched by her trust in me and by her calm cooperation, even when I held her foot in both my hands, while she was laying on the ground.
        So not ‘giving’ her hind legs when standing up has maybe nothing to do with lack of trust? Maybe she needs something else from me or wants to teach me something? I wish she could tell me somehow, or better said, I wish I could somehow understand what she probably already tells me about this matter.
        I read your blogs and I can feel kind of jealous when you write about your horses telling you things or asking you something to do for them. I realise it doesn’t work as literary as in interhuman communication. I feel somewhere close to my heart I should be able to find the way to listen with my heart and soul. I go to my horse every time trying to do so, but find my reasoning mostly taking over. I know that as long I would keep thinking it is not possible for a horse to communicate with me, it will never happen. I really have the belief it is possible. I mean not only with my grown-up state of mind but also in a much more deep, open, child-like of mytical way. Something I not really practiced or learned to use, but still feel it as an ability I have within me.
        Could you give me a clou on how to start or maybe about what did help you when you started your journey in communicating with your horses? I’m not totaly ignorant, I read and watch your and Kesia’s blogs and films on youtube, as well as Linda Kohanovs work, amongst others, and find these very inspiring. It just feels now like it is a kind of different dimension of being or communicating. And I am searching for how to get there…
        Well, sorry if I’m not expressing myself clearly. It is just that is seems like words somehow don’t really work when I try to explain about matters of the soul or deeper awareness within.
        Sill, I send you and the herd best wishes from my heart and I am grateful to learn about how you care for each other in a deep and sentient way.

        • May 1, 2021 at 1:53 am

          Hi Réka, no we did not – but that is totally fine and it feels like it was the best decision anyway. And, as per usual, the universe will have something better in store for us 🙂

          That’s so beautiful the way you found a way to fulfill your desire in a manner that was peaceful for both of you! I love it.

          To answer your very well-worded and perfectly understandable question, I think this post:

          and this post:

          may answer it. Let me know if you’re still wondering about anything, or want more clarity on anything…

          For some reason, I feel you might also enjoy this post:

          Big hugs to both of you!

          • May 2, 2021 at 12:00 am

            Good morning, Jini,

            Yesterday evening I spent watching the posts you have sent me. Indeed very useful and very touching. Again thank you for sharing this with me.
            The hoof cleaning excersise with my horse laying down repeated itself. I did not initiatie to do so. But when she layed to rest in the sun, I got her permission again to clean her hoofs.
            I find myself processing a lot of thoughts and feelings. My mind and heart are full, but it feels good, very alive and very engaged. And yes, “taking risks’ hit the right spot for me. Your intuition was right.
            So now I’m heading to the horses with an open heart and just see what this day, and the next ones to come, will bring us.
            Big hugs back, to you and your loved ones!

            • May 2, 2021 at 11:06 pm

              I just love this Réka – the wisdom of animals when we move into the space of listening 🙂


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