Horse Wisdom: Losing a Child, or Being the Child that Left

I’d noticed a shift in Aude for about 10 days or so – she seemed more distant, more separate from the herd, and not as boisterously affectionate with me. Then I noticed the lump or growth on her chest. When Dr. Juliet came out, she said it felt either viral or tumor-like in origin. It was dead-center in her chest.

Ribs cut away to show the horse’s heart (c)

Her lump was directly under her heart. Here’s what happened when I tuned into the spiritual/deeper reason she developed this growth:

Soon after this Lazer Tapping session, Aude was back to her usual spicy, loving, big mama self. I also applied this topical remedy plus herbs, once per day. Because although the origin of her lump was emotional/spiritual, once it manifested into the physical body, we also have to treat the physical body as well.

Collective Loss

Something very interesting happened when I sent this video out to two of my friends (before it was published). Both of them felt led to tap along and had tremendously powerful experiences, but not in the way I expected…


“Well I cried through most of it. Holy crap that was intense. So beautiful Jini. Here was my experience: I thought it might be a healing of miscarriage but I don’t seem to hold a lot of trauma around that. It actually became about my mom and the loss of her innocent child self from the abuse she experienced. She is dealing with kidney disease now and it showed up as a sticky, heavy mustard gas of shame in her kidneys. But actually when Posa showed up, it came through so clearly like she was speaking to ME! It got most intense because I realized that I am the baby that left, not just physically but also emotionally.

I knew this on some level, but could only see my side of the experience, as my own journey of healing and wounding and resentment and anger. Now I see myself in an interconnected circle with my mother, and was finally able to touch into healing that connection between us and reconnecting it on the soul level. At the end with the video footage of Juno and Mama, when Montaro gallops through, I heard him say to me, “It is okay to seek your freedoms, but don’t abandon the bond.” This is important to both mother and child in a reciprocal never ending loop. It must be healed for both of us to heal. 😱 wow.”


I tapped along with the session. I was invited to do so. At first I couldn’t tell why.

I thought maybe I had lost a child in another lifetime and that was the cause of my irrational phobia of getting pregnant in this lifetime. Or maybe I was tapping for my female ancestors to heal generations of traumatised women. Or maybe I was tapping for my mother, who had 5 miscarriages before having me. Whatever the why and the who, I followed along with you.

I began tapping at 11:11 😉

After the first round, I was inspired to change words – to customize them. As I did, I realised I was tapping for myself in this physical body and lifetime, to heal myself from whatever trauma was still trapped inside my womb. For the first time, I could bring it to light and identify clearly what was causing me such a phobia. For the first time, I could put my fear into words and release it. For the first time too, I acknowledged my body and honored her messages.

As the session continued, I could feel the energetic reunion taking place inside me between my spiritual self and my physical self. It was so emotional. It was like being reunited with your family after decades of losing sight of them, not knowing if they were still alive or not. I felt an indescribable relief and overwhelming emotion (in a good way) as well as a sense of, ‘everything will be ok now that we are whole.’

It was so potent! I could sense my organs literally moving and rearranging! My womb and ovaries especially. It was very very powerful.

I followed the tapping, just changing the words. I realised I hadn’t lost a baby, but rather I had lost a part of myself, my body, due to forced sexual assaults throughout my childhood (including with ‘tools’), and permanent physical abuse by my father, who crossed and broke and plundered all my physical external and internal boundaries.

I realised that my way of coping with all of that was to tune out (dissociate). That way I could control the feeling of pain. Since then, I always managed to control or avoid physical pain. Whether by exercising too much (getting high on endorphins), or by avoiding any situation where my body could’ve felt pain without any possible way of escape.

That blocked me from getting pregnant, because I was afraid of not being able to stop the physical pain; not being able to dissociate during 9 months, not being able to be in control of what was happening TO me during that time.

Oh dear, it was such a big, unwieldy piece to let out.

Of course I wanted to have children with all my heart, but it felt so INVADING to let them be inside me, with me not being able to say ‘No, stop, I don’t want this, go away, it’s unbearable, I want it to stop, you don’t have the right, it’s my body, you’re robbing me of consent.’


The perspective of having to go all the way through pregnancy without being able to take my control back until the end felt just unbearable.

I understood why this all needed to take place during this tapping session of motherhood/losing child. Maybe I did lose a child a long time ago… my inner child.

The second half of the session was very soothing and I could surrender to the powerful light force of the Universe. Especially the part where you talked about ‘the highest good of all involved,’ I repeated that part a lot, it felt very, very soothing.

My womb and ovaries were really hacking for a bit afterwards, but I feel definitely at ease now.”


It never ceases to amaze me how the horses seem to know what healing is needed (for all beings) and they tag-team as to who is going to come forward to facilitate each piece, or aspect. Perhaps that is why I need such a large herd! The horses take turns, evidencing in their physical bodies, the healing that needs to take place in our lives. Because, the body is not separate from the soul; the body is the densest part of the soul. As I continually say to my health readers, as they use my protocols to heal themselves of gut diseases, ask yourself: My body is speaking, what is it saying?

Aude healed and back to her normal self – smooching Juliet
Horse Wisdom: Losing a Child, or Being the Child that Left

6 thoughts on “Horse Wisdom: Losing a Child, or Being the Child that Left

  • October 6, 2020 at 8:38 pm

    just WOW, to the All of it. washing over and thru me like waves and waves… all these experiences are part of the human collective and the individual human experience,, i feel them all soo deeply. thank you Mama Aude, thank you Juno, for creating space for Mama to express this deep deep and ancient wounding,, thank you Jini and Juliet, and the beauty full friends who share so intimately here.. Healing the self, is healing the collective. Mama Aude, Divine Mother of Compassion ,, soooo much gratitude and Love xoxoxoo

    • October 7, 2020 at 1:05 am

      Yes, SO deep eh?? The places these horses lead us to – oy vey! Thank you for being with us on the journey Sheila – along with your posse 🙂 xo

      • October 7, 2020 at 4:45 am

        Wow! from me too! I wept and tapped and wept!
        I dont use hankies anymore i use small hand towels for all my tears lol!
        The timing was perfect for this post as I just found out from Hollys previous owner that she lost a foal and I am going through adjusting to the fact my youngest is moving far away from me so it feels like a big loss.
        He has moved out before but only 1hr 20mins away. I will have no fam nearby so its a biggie!
        Back to horsey stuff-Since the tapping sesh Holly seems to have softened, her eyes seem softer or something, and she even kind of nuzzles me which is a HUGE change.
        Today when Jarrah and Holly were chilling after food and scratches I sat down in the paddock near them, big J lay down for some zzzs then Holly sat down!!!!!that was a first! I was blown away! It was just lovely! I just had to share that special moment with you all.
        I feel so blessed to have them in my life.
        Also thankyou Aude for your gift. What a beautiful mama you are.
        I just love you all. What a fab bunch.
        Big hugs
        Erin 😊🌳🐎

        • October 7, 2020 at 8:55 pm

          Wow – such a HUGE shift! I can just imagine how Holly must feel to have this lost recognized and brought into wholeness/release. That’s the thing about mind/body tapping, it can shift things so quickly and totally that people often forget they ever had the issue!

          And yes, having a child move far away is definitely a big loss – at one point I realized I was advance-tapping for when my son Hugo moves to the UK. Not for a year or two yet – thank god! xo

  • October 7, 2020 at 4:47 pm

    So much powerful emotion! I have often sent empathetic energy to you all for the emptiness that you must feel for Montaro, Juno and Jax! I know I miss seeing them in your pics and them being a part of your stories! I know it was/is a grand adventure for them and I understand the why! But the pain of loss regardless of reason is palpable in this video!

    There was a Lot of energy flow coming through and touching deep! I have often had empathy for Big Mama Aude …and all she has lost in the last year and I know even though as mothers we are supposed to want our children to go on and thrive …there can also be a sense of profound loss when it happens! Some of the emotions I have felt & faced as a mother have been so intense that if I would’ve known about them before having a child …they definitely would’ve given me reservations!

    I have recently made contact, for the first time with my biological mother! I was adopted when I was three months old. This new connection has brought up so many layers of emotions that I was not expecting to feel? I had good adoptive parents and they told me from birth so it never hit me like a ton of bricks! But A fellow friend and listen to your horse member told me that losing my mother was in every cell of my being and has always been retained! For some reason I never thought of that? and it made a lot of sense to me and helped me further process this multi layers of complex emotions!

    Motherhood is such an intricate web of emotions! Some if I am being honest I have not enjoyed! One is definitely letting your children make there own way which includes big mistakes and heart break! The triumphs are incredible but the lows can be overwhelming! Now becoming an M-Ma (grandma) it has brought even more complex emotions! I am by nature a controller and with a grandchild you really have to be open to your son and daughter making there own way with there child! It can be so perplexing to navigate through! Again the joys are immense but the lows are almost extra deep and dark!

    Time is also helping me and of course the horses are a huge source of therapy and connection and support!

    They are so less peopley then people! I find time with them very very soothing ..I often go to them when I need to clear my head and just stay in the moment with them and enjoy the time!

    It all layers! It all is relevant and as always connected! Your healing is my healing is your healing! Big Ma Mas healing is all of our healing!
    Grateful for you sharing the pain & the healing


    • October 7, 2020 at 9:07 pm

      Oh so beautiful Michelle and yes, this mothering gig is sure a heart-widening-opening endeavour. As your friend pointed out, our children are *literally* the same bones/flesh/tissue/cells as we are. So although your mind has one reality about your birth mother, your body may have another. Is your birth mum able to speak about why she chose adoption? There are some things in life where the only options are a rock and a hard place and just so, so hard no matter which way you choose.

      Whew, leaning in to the deep stuff is pretty frickin hard. You probably have realized by now that I’m not a ‘crier’ by nature. But dang, the emotion flowing from Aude, the mustangs, the collective, was just so incredibly strong and intense. I was totally bushwhacked by it and didn’t even have a kleenex on me! As you said, sharing the pain and healing sister xox


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *