Trickster Energy and Holistic Leadership

I am at that place in life – and Lord knows I’ve been here before – where I’m looking back on all the decisions I made that led me to this place. And I am asking myself: did I just make all that shit up??

I said YES to five horses when I didn’t have land, and it was really, really hard… but everything worked out. And I could see the benefits of persevering and of saying Yes to my intuition, or divine guidance.

And then 3 years later, I said YES again to six more horses, with no change in my environment or circumstances. And I trusted that by saying yes, the universe would step up and provide what was needed to make this work. And to make it okay. But it has not been OK. It has been a financial disaster. And a tremendous amount of suffering, both emotionally and physically.

Was it all a mistake? Or is it simply a learning and growth opportunity… one that I don’t understand, because I have not come to the end of it yet? Or have I completely deluded myself; assigning symbols where there actually were none, inventing signs where there were mere coincidences, assigning spiritual meaning to random events?

And so here I am: agitated, questioning, reassessing, doubting, confused, resentful, and kind of angry.

Of course I realize that peace and contentment are an inside job. But that goes both ways. It not only makes you responsible, but it can also make stupid, ridiculous, unsustainable living practices feel okay! Because if your peace and contentment do not come from your environment, then you can live ANY way and be peaceful and content, and just focus on the positive.

That doesn’t make it optimal. That doesn’t make it beneficial or even a good idea for the long-term. Have I used Faith and Trust to trick myself into continually focusing on the positive… whilst the overall situation is actually a net negative?

Has the Trickster had her way with me? Am I on the receiving end of the gifts of Coyote (the ultimate trickster)? Lord knows there’s enough of them on this land. I even like them – a lot.

Coyotes sharing the horses’ pasture

A few days after my precious lads get on the trailer for the 700 mile journey up to Kesia’s farm, I find myself standing in the big barn with Kaliah’s head almost in my chest. Tears are streaming down my face as I ask her, “Why are you still here?? Why did my heart get on that trailer and not you and the babies, or Makah and Cobra? YOU are the one who created all this. If I had just taken you and Xadaa, I would be OK. I would not be having to send my precious ones away because I can no longer afford all of you. But you insisted I take all 5! Was this just a bid to take care of your herd? Did you just trick me into saving all of you with no regard for what that would mean for me?”

She stood still, yet wholly present, and her voice floated to me, “I can’t answer you because you don’t trust me; you won’t allow me to connect with you.”

Kaliah

“That’s right!” I exclaimed, “Because I’m done with trusting you – I don’t even know who/what you are! Trusting you and all this ‘guidance’ has brought me nothing but grief and struggle. Maybe you are simply a trickster, out for your own gain and using me for your own purposes!”

And what is the Medicine of the Trickster?

My deck of medicine cards says that coyote is the trickster that forces you to come face-to-face with yourself, over and over again. He is a mirror; everywhere you look, there you are – in all your ridiculousness, your saboteurs, your self-imposed limitations.

Kesia tells me that in many traditions the Trickster is the Creator or an aspect of the creator. Sometimes the trickster is responsible, through his tricks, and sometimes by accident, for things like bringing light to a dark world. She says, “The medicine/gift of Trickster for me is… creative energy, seeing from new perspectives, and finding yourself in a reality you couldn’t have predicted or chosen.”

I wake up restless in the middle of the night and the thought comes to me: what if this is not about horses, or the herd? What if this is about the universe/my higher self creating a situation that purposely pushes me outside of all my comfort zones? What if the point of all of this is to force me to get bigger? Perhaps there are things coming, or things that I desire, that require a skill set far beyond my current state of being?

In that case, the point has not been for the universe or anyone else to make it easier. If resources, or land, or funding had arrived to make this manageable, then I would not have been pushed over the edge of the cliff… free falling into a new iteration of myself. The more functional we are, the harder it is for Life to put us in this space. Some of us need to be tricked into chaos, because we have a wide skill set and knowledge base that would otherwise prevent that from happening.

It occurs to me to wonder why my husband Ian did not run the numbers on this equine acquisition when I first suggested it. He handles the money/accounting for both our businesses. He says, “I told you it was a bad idea, it was too many horses, and we couldn’t afford it.” Yes, but he never actually ran the numbers and revealed in black and white what a financial disaster this would be. And I didn’t run them, because I knew if I did, that I would not continue down this road! And something was driving me, with all the signs and symbols of the universe, to walk down this road. And so I chose to simply trust. To trust that “god will provide.”

Keep in mind, that I have started and run four successful, profitable businesses thus far in my life, and I have never run the numbers on any of them! Each time, I purposely avoided running the numbers – which would have revealed that I couldn’t possibly afford to cash flow any of those businesses. And I/we always made it work somehow. In the past, Ian and I funded our latest business, Imix Nutrition, by selling our home and moving every 6-12 months and plowing the house profit into the company. We funded all our manufacturing runs on credit cards, until the business was successful enough for the bank to extend us a line of credit. So we are both fluent with risk, and trusting the universe, and doing whatever it takes to make things work. BUT. Those are all businesses, designed to (at some point) generate money. Not a herd of 11 horses on leased land, in the most difficult, labor-intensive climate, eating hay that costs three times more than anywhere else in Canada.

To be honest, I thought the horses would be an energetic network that would support our businesses to generate the money required to pay for them, without overly depleting us. But that did not happen.

Perhaps this herd really is, as Güliz has often called them, ‘the People’s princess’ And they are meant to be supported by a larger network of people, not just myself. A number of times over the last, almost 2 years, I considered asking for donations. But it never felt right. I understand money as a form of energy, and it felt very much like this herd’s energy was tied to our own ecosystem – our family and our companies. It wasn’t until I was forced to send some of the herd to Kesia’s farm, that it felt OK to ask for financial help. The response has been slow but steady and each donation is received with such gratitude, along with the comments from donors about how the horses have impacted them, or helped them.

So perhaps the work of throwing me into chaos and forcing me to get bigger has been completed. And now this next stage is about collaboration – something else I know I need to get bigger and better at.

Or am I just back to inventing scenarios to justify lunacy? Perhaps all of this has been one massive detour; one that has held me back from growing my companies to the point where I can actually purchase the land I need and support the herd without stress. Here’s a mind-jarring reality: Ian and I added up the amount I have spent on horses over the last 5 years and it equals the down-payment on a piece of land (within 5 hours drive of my house).

But.
I wasn’t ready to part with them and only see them every few weeks.
I wouldn’t have been able to generate the powerful, beautiful videos enjoyed by hundreds of thousands of people.
My eldest son wouldn’t be working at the barn and using that grounding/connection to underpin his success.
Güliz and I wouldn’t have created so much mind/body healing content.
I wouldn’t have been forced to GET BIGGER.

In discussing this with Kesia, she sent me this writing she had jotted in her notes:

“I was a giant, towering over the town of Smithers. I’ve been this big before and I have been terrified. What if I’m the only one who is this big? What if nobody could ever hold me? When I met Timothy he held me and I realized that I could never be too big to hold. Now as I grow I let myself unfold without constraint, telescoping up above the town and popping out above the clouds. I can crouch down and run my hands over the tops of the trees on the mountains, like mossy rocks. Beneath me, the tiny people in their tiny town busy themselves like ants. In my hand is one of these tiny people, and her protestations seem cute, foreign, something I can comprehend but not actually understand word for word. I can respect all these beings without interacting with them very thoroughly. They go about their business and I go about mine, which for the moment is just enjoying this view, enjoying the air. Getting bigger feels impossible; it feels terrifying. If we get that big, do we have to always be that big? What if nothing fits anymore? What if we grow too big for everything in our lives? But once big, it doesn’t matter anymore. Once big, your concerns when you were little are no longer your concerns. They can’t be; they don’t fit anymore.”

If I have to put a label to this whole get bigger concept, I think the closest I can come is to call it: Holistic mind/body/spirit integrated leadership.

Holistic mind/body/spirit integrated leadership takes into account the well-being of every member of the group, herd, organization, or family. The holistic leader is not interested in asserting their dominance over others, or of being the boss. Rather, this leader has gained fluency in holding their own space, and managing their own power in healthy ways. So they are then able to hold this container of safety, this space of possibility, for others to likewise step into their grounded power and deeper wisdom.

So it is very much a collaborative process, but one which is not possible without the holistic leader being able to truly hold and ground that safe container for expression and transformation. It is having the strength and personal power to be able to hold the space of abundant possibility. To extend an invitation for shift – where the other person can transform in healthy ways they never thought possible, because you are doing much of the energetic work for them; simply by BEing in your expanded state. And the reason you hold this space and you do this work is because your deepest desire is to see other people rise and come forth into the brilliance of their own wholeness.

The holistic leader understands that the way to a healthy planet, a healthy culture, a healthy group, relies on everyone making this shift in consciousness and being able to integrate mind/body/spirit into a congruent whole.

Ideally, every mother and father could hold this safe container for the development of their children’s consciousness and integration. But of course, we cannot control other people, we can only control ourselves.

I remember a time when I experienced a big shift with my husband Ian, because I was willing to ground myself strongly and hold my own wisdom, and also hold the offer for him to expand into his wisdom. I managed to communicate the concept to him that it seems he is always looking for life to be easy and joyful. And when it is, that signals to him that life is as it should be and everything is good.

And I invited him to consider the perspective that I am not here for joy and love alone. If that’s what I wanted, I would not have incarnated. I would just have stayed in Oneness where it’s already perfect. I invited him to consider the aspect that I incarnated to learn and grow and evolve – and so I view these continual growth opportunities from the horses as a net positive. NOT as a negative, or a signal that I’ve lost my guidance.

I told him to think about wilderness adventures, boot camps, animal assisted therapy etc. and that people pay thousands of dollars to immerse themselves in these incredibly challenging experiences where they must learn to dance between the intuitive and the physical and remain vertical and grounded throughout. But I am surrounded by these opportunities and challenges from the herd – and that they BENEFIT me so much.

He heard me, it all went in. And he said, “Well I guess that’s why I married you. Because I need that perspective and you bring it to me and our family.”

I’m reminded that the power of holistic leadership/wholeness does not just exist for Out There – for in the world, or business, or organizations. But it is intensely valuable and necessary even within our most intimate relationships.

And so even though I’ve had to send a chunk of my heart hundreds of miles away, because it appears that I failed, or the universe didn’t rise to my aid, or I misinterpreted things… I choose to hold all these elements of challenge, leadership, trust, and getting bigger in one hand. And in the other hand I look at what I can learn from this… which is part of getting bigger.

After waking in the night with the realization of, wait a minute, what if this is not about horses? I fell back to sleep and had a dream. In my dream I was greatly troubled and didn’t know what to do. So I hiked through snowy lands and found this reclusive, esteemed guru/shaman man and asked him for guidance. He was a huge, bearded man and he beckoned me to follow him through the forest to a motel room. We both got into the bed and I waited for him to tell me what to do. But then I felt the energy shift and become threatening. As his hand stretched towards me, I dropped my foot onto the floor, feeling around for my boot. I began talking to distract him and then brought up the energy Montaro showed me how to use, to block his intended assault before it could escalate into physical reality. I got up and left the room. Then I woke up.

The dream felt like a replica of the way I had given my power away to Kaliah – and the universe working through Kaliah. But what about me?! Am I not an equally discerning, connected, magnificent being? Why am I looking to others to guide me and then getting tangled up in their needs, motivations, shortcomings and dysfunctions? Why should a shaman or a horse be more connected to Oneness or wisdom, than me? The dream illustrated that it was dangerous for me to give my power away. It’s dangerous to assume that someone else has a stronger, or clearer connection to Source, than I do.

And so I am learning to step up from Follower/Disciple status to Co-Creator status. I am getting bigger. The divine no longer gets to tell me what to do and I blindly follow. I have learned to consider this carnate world that I live in – where I am physically bound by time and space. And to push back on the universe where/if needed. Which doesn’t mean I won’t take risks, or do ‘crazy’ things – but I will do them from an empowered state and in full awareness that I get to choose.

And so I come full circle back to faith and trust – in Source and in myself. And the intentionality of co-creating my reality. Because at the end of the day, I get to choose. I get to choose the story I tell myself. I get to choose the reality I create, and the one I live in. And there is no ‘right’ or ‘truth’. There is simply perspective. And the power of interpretation. And learning lessons, getting bigger, more expansive, and moving on. And I get to choose.

~

I am bruised, battered, weary.
But I still show up.
I am fragile, sensitive, a little bit destitute. But I show up.
My dreams are coming true, but it’s not quite what I planned.
This life, this game, can be so wearying. Did we know it was going to be this difficult when we planned our descent? Did we have any idea of the power of human emotions, hormones, illusions?
We came in the full faith and glory of our state of oneness, our state of infinite possibility in the great I AM.
And now here we are, small, reduced, struggling, overwhelmed.
The only choice left is whether we show up, or not.
And some days the answer is “not”.
Some days I huddle inside the covers. If I’m lucky I am enrobed in a cozy fog of fever which rocks me gently while it removes me from any pain of consciousness.
And yet I know in my deepest self, in my truest self, that this too is part of the circle.
That I will come through and around and out again into the brilliance of my magnificence.
And that is why I am here. That is why I stay in the game. And I keep showing up, day after draining day. Because at some point I will rise. I will go down. And I will rise again.
I lean in. I breathe into my back. I breathe into my belly.
And I lean in. And I show up.
And I know that some day I will rise again.

~

Trickster Energy and Holistic Leadership

22 thoughts on “Trickster Energy and Holistic Leadership

  • December 15, 2019 at 3:44 am
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    Oh Jini! I so feel for you.
    Thankyou for sharing the heart breakingly exruciating parts of your journey.
    The forging of the soul in the firey crucible of life here.
    I can so relate on so many levels.
    Your courage to show up when its so tough is truly inspirational.
    I love your honesty and beautiful soul.
    You’re such a blessing and you encourage me greatly.
    Namaste and big hugs
    love Erin ❤🌳🐎 xo
    from the drought stricken, burning east coast of Aust♨️(the crucible)
    Ps.
    Its 10.30pm and its still 27C/80F aargh!
    I long for the rain and looking forward to winter already summer has only just begun here. Facing so much death and destruction is the crucible forging my soul and I am just managing to show up, mostly lol! And Jarrah is surviving ok so far and showing up for me!

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    • December 15, 2019 at 8:26 pm
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      You and Jarrah – 2 soulmates/comrades leaning into the crucible. Interesting times here on planet earth, with everything seeming to boil down to 1 question: Are you aligned with creation, or destruction? And of course, sometimes creation involves a cycle of destruction… Kali, the Phoenix, etc. I look forward to your rising dear one xox

      Reply
  • December 15, 2019 at 7:51 am
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    Jini…oh the power…in this writing…in this life…in this struggle! Life is very hard a lot of the time…I think a lot of us …were not taught this …and yet some of us were…BUT…we still feel it was unique to only us! I said to you recently I am not a person who typically takes on more then I feel comfortable with! Case in point the giant tortoise that came into our lives a few months back! I wanted to share life with him badly …but in doing so…it would of taken a lot of time and resources to keep him comfortable…as they need warmth and shelter in the colder times of the year! Resources were not the issue but time was! I could of made it work with the neighbors…because they had a better starter situation…but then …all the work would of been done at there house not ours…(Out of my control) …so …We ..all chose to connect with the other neighbors down the road …that already had 2 giant tortoise…and they found him a home!
    I have often wondered how you have coped financially with these choices you have made? So much time, money and effort are involved with 11 horses! I recently have felt a bit neglectful with just four…as my sons new baby (almost 6 months now) my brothers death, and now my fathers death two days ago…have really …taken my time away from the horses! As you probably know …I use to spend most days all day with them, in one way or the other! This lack of time with them has been a big shift for me…and one I don’t particularly like! But I know they are horses and they can and do live just fine with out humans involved everyday all day! They have space food and water and herd so I know right there they are better off then a lot! I foresee the new year bringing me back to a more abundant amount of time to be with them! HOPEFULLY…because I miss them to my core…(even though I live with them everyday) and I feel a sense of longing from 3 of them also! Banner has always been more independent and doesn’t seem to crave human attention unless it’s a scratch right where he says so ..when he says so! But Buck has started to nip and bite and protest in playful ways…that he requested to come over here…from the neighbors (who gave him almost no attention) to be part of a herd…human & horse!
    I realize life with always be full of ebb & flow…and we have to roll with it…or wallow in the not ideal! This concept of bigger…is profound..Kesias writing is so deep…but for me..peace, illusion of control, and time are what I thrive on! Again…I am sure I might be missing out..on growth and discovery…but the horses ..so far …have pushed me to places I never thought I would go! They have also helped me arrive in places I did not like..Example being the horse I thought would be perfect for my husband …but I now believe I was just a means to help him get to his forever home…it was a huge costly endeavor that taught me a lot! Now with My fathers death…that will bring an uptick in resources…I am again tempted to embark on another horse for my husband…but 5 is so much more then four…so I will carefully (this time) consider…all that goes along with a fifth horse! I just can’t make these decisions lightly…it affects drastically the horses I have already committed to providing the best life I can for! Also the humans who I want to love and support!
    So I trust in the fact that the horses somehow will continue to keep me growing and keep helping me to become more of who I am at my core! ✌🏼❤️🐴

    Reply
    • December 15, 2019 at 8:33 pm
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      SO much happening Michelle!! And now the transition of your father… I wonder if you will continue to connect with him through Big Pa Pa… feels like there might be a link there…

      And yes, the tortoise and the 5th horse are both examples of where stuff happens, decisions get made, but WE get to choose the story we tell ourselves. And in hindsight we can usually discern what the learning points are – so again, the point of LIFE is not to just get everything right and have everything smooth all the time. But to LEARN. And our stories are a crucial part of that learning. And some stories don’t reveal themselves for a decade or more!

      I know exactly what you mean about the gifts of physically spending time with our horses though. It affects my energy level, my sleep, my fitness, my creativity, etc etc. SO MANY benefits 🙂

      Reply
  • December 15, 2019 at 9:23 am
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    Dear Jini, I was really moved by your rawness and pain, and your grace and courage to share this part of your journey. Thank you.
    Sending hugs, strength and love. Shirani x

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    • December 15, 2019 at 8:35 pm
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      Thank you Shirani! I appreciate your gifts xo

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  • December 15, 2019 at 9:53 am
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    “And so I come full circle back to faith and trust – in Source and in myself….Because at the end of the day, I get to choose. I get to choose the story I tell myself….And there is no ‘right’ or ‘truth’. There is simply perspective. And the power of interpretation…..And I get to choose.” What a great reminder. I think those words are my new screen saver! Thank you, Jini, for sharing your truth as you continue to show up for these challenging times.
    About your lads … seeing them in the video at Kesia’s, it’s soooo clear that they are in horse heaven. So maybe they wanted that space and freedom soooo much, that they made it happen. Their desire was stronger than any other force when it came to determining which horses got on the trailer to go north.
    I have to constantly remind myself that as much as I love my horses and my time with them, they are always and forever living only in the present moment and they do not need my physical presence for their comfort and contentment….as long as they have food, water, space, and each other!
    2020 is the year we get to have our horses with us on our very own land!! And so it is!!!!!

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    • December 15, 2019 at 8:41 pm
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      Amen to that! It is time. And yes, the lads are having a wonderful, expansive, important time at Kesia’s and all is right for this time – for the horses, the land, Kesia and her family, etc. My communication with Montaro remains as strong and clear as ever. And I have Kesia’s beautiful pictures and videos to fill my eyes/heart.

      I think being with my horses is beyond ‘need’ – for me, it is about ‘want’. Desire, benefits, enrichment, enlivening – so many gifts and FUN is passed back and forth between us. And yes, I don’t pressure myself to HAVE to go there regularly – if I don’t go, they are just fine. Duty or obligation doesn’t result in the mutual-gifting. That happens when we both WANT to engage. And of course, as you pointed out, their herd is with them 20 hours vs. my 4 – so yes, they have what they need 🙂

      Reply
  • December 15, 2019 at 10:14 am
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    Beloveds, All of YoUs, All Beloveds… Yes. Yes Yes!. This, exactly This, is up for every One who is actively Choosing Light, Now. all Ones who are saying YES to the invitation of unprecedented, massive expansion into Cosmic Soul-ness while still Incarnate still inhabiting a physical body on this also-massively expanding living breatheing Gaia Earth-body. HU-mans, Horse-Beings, Ocean, Earth, All Sentience, all of Us, All, To-gather, yet each as a uniquely Kaleidoscopic Rainbow Light. UnPrecedented expansion is happening in this current version of Gaia and Humanity. Ever more and more this body is choosing alignment and harmony with Soul, the physical form- body, tho itself feels so diminutive, so tiny,, is also expanding with and as the Soul it’s totally blowing all my circuits.. …..OMG Kesia’s writing,, i totally feel that vast-ness, yet can not interpret the felt sense of That, in human words.. like Kesia so sweetly speaks… caressing the mountains, caressing the little people in their tiny little boxes, caressing with infinite Love, all the Life incarnate on this Precious Planet. I love how the Intuit Observer watched as you sought externally for guidance, and the moment of truth when you remembered the inner, omnipresent Shamana withIN. and yes, its about more than all these gods-in-horse-suits, they are calling us Up, they are calling us Out. it is Time to Dance the Dance the Horses are calling us to. Dancing New Patterns of Life into Existence with our Horse-god-Partners, Dancing into Existence this New World we Know we will thrive and Live in , expanding and expanding all versions of just WHO do I think I AM? . Thank god for Horse-gods. (read The Mountain’s Call by Caitlyn Brennan? a book of In-Spire-ing magick, of horse-gods who call in a Wombyn, for the first time, to do exactly this) Thank you for Be-ing dear Jini, and family and dear Guliz, thank you Singing Herd of horse-gods, , thank you Kaliah, (Kali, sword of truth ) thank you , All LTYH community. with you All, i too am Image-IN-ing, Dancing , this New World into Be-ing . xoxoxoxo all Love from our remaining tiny tribe of Dancing Rainbow Light, sheila, frank, girl and mini me.

    Reply
    • December 15, 2019 at 8:44 pm
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      Thank you Sheila! And bless you for your words. I will definitely look up that book – I’m always looking for good books 🙂 I love your name: horse-god-partners. Perfect!!

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  • December 15, 2019 at 6:41 pm
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    Jini, you are describing being “in the thick of it.” I can relate. Life is so much more complicated, yet very simple, than what I was taught as a child. What I learned as a child gave me a starting point, but what I found is that it only took me so far, and if I really started listening to God in the same way that I listened to horses, it was going in a whole new direction I had never received instruction on.

    Many people have all sorts of “catch phrases” to make life neat and tidy especially when talking about God and the relationship with their life. In the past several years, any concept I’ve had of God has been completely blown out of the water. These days, yes, I get to be a co-creator with God in this life of mine which is a gift in and of itself. I get to share it with some wonderful horses and make a difference in their lives.

    Some really wonderful things have happened and will happen. So have awful things. The choice I make every day is not how do I be perfect so nothing bad happens (that’s what I used to do), but rather, how do I walk through this life with all of its twists and turns, pain and joy, and do it in a loving way where it honors the creation God made in me and in those around me (people, horses, animals, nature, etc). Sometimes it’s saying no to more horses, which I have done many times. Sometimes it’s saying yes, which I have said a total of 3 times (and I’m sure there will be more in the future). It’s quite amazing that we’re even here getting to be a human, learning as we go. It can be a rough road at times, and it’s ok to stop and change course, or stay the course if that’s what we discern we need.

    I also completely get not being able to connect to Kalia. I’d have a wall up too. You are also sitting on a gold mine. Honor all the feelings. They lead the way through the chaos. I used to fear anger. Now, I welcome it since it tells me what I need. There’s no short-cut I know of, and as uncomfortable as it is, this is your journey of a lifetime. Here’s wishing you comfort and courage to keep taking one step at a time.

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    • December 15, 2019 at 8:53 pm
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      How beautiful Mary – thank you so much. This really is IT:

      ” how do I be perfect so nothing bad happens”

      How many of us live our lives from this perspective??

      My Christian youth really affected my assumptions about god. And when things go in as a child, we’re not aware that they’re there! Because they feel like IT IS. Because they got in the brain during formation.

      My husband kept telling me, “You’ve got to push back on the universe, you can’t just say ‘the divine told me to’ – what about YOU??”

      But the “all things work together for good for those that love the lord” concept was embedded too deep. Updated into modern-speak: “Divine guidance is always for my highest good.” So why would I question it, or slow it down?

      AND then we’re into the carnate (time,space) co-creator piece. Feels like it took BIG shove to get me to comprehend this one. But as I move into this new space, I can already feel it shifting my thinking, the way I process ideas, the way I create…

      And so… all things work together for good! 😉

      Reply
      • December 15, 2019 at 10:04 pm
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        There have been three times in my life where I knew God was calling me, but I needed “x” to be able to say yes and take on the responsibility. I basically gave God an ultimatum: I need “x” to do this call. If you give it to me, I will do what you’re calling me to do. Three times I got what I needed within 48 hours. That was my confirmation that God was serious. The first time it happened, I was taken aback. The second time it happened, I knew I could not go back on my word. The third time it happened it all fell apart 3 months later. Where was God there? That was not what I said “yes” to. That is when I realized there was a new paradigm coming into focus that had an even deeper understanding about what it means to be called by God. It’s not neat and tidy, but rather quite messy. It’s in the mess that I believe we are called to love, and that is the ultimate call. The bigger the mess, the more I call on God to help me love. Yes, I want it fixed, but I no longer expect that. It’s a bonus when it happens, but it’s not the point. It’s the years after the fact where the pieces of the puzzle of understanding come together. My life experience gets bigger; acting on calls from God gets bigger, and my expectations of what it will look like changes. The learning never stops. Paradigms shift and deeper understandings come, and I don’t think I’d bother with any of this if the horses didn’t have my complete fascination.

        In terms of why would I question or slow down divine guidance? Because, for me, it’s a two-way relationship. And I’m the human on earth wading my way through the mess. So yes, I’m going to say what I really think, what I need and continually be in dialogue and listen. In me, in my physical form is the collaboration of intuition and the physical reality. Both work together, and I’m the one who is responsible for voicing what I need. Having a need is valid. Sometimes figuring out what I need may be more challenging, but that is where our emotions can help. Unmet needs can surface through emotions. No one taught me that. I had to figure it out as an adult.

        After all this, do I still believe in God? Yes, but my experience and understanding of God has grown significantly. For me, we come from God and we go back to God when we die. Life on earth is learning to love, which helps us find out way back to God. That’s my latest understanding, subject to change and grow over the next several decades. Who knows what new adventure awaits.

        Reply
        • December 18, 2019 at 1:33 am
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          Mary when you say this:

          “It’s in the mess that I believe we are called to love, and that is the ultimate call. The bigger the mess, the more I call on God to help me love.”

          What are you defining as “love”? What do you mean?

          Reply
  • December 18, 2019 at 7:56 am
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    “Alas,how easily things go wrong,
    A smile too fast,or a kiss too long.
    And there comes a mist
    And a weeping rain
    And life is never the same again.
    But things can never go badly wrong,
    If the heart be true,
    And the love be strong.
    For the mist,if it comes
    And the weeping rain,
    Can be changed by the love,
    Into sunshine again.

    Reply
    • December 19, 2019 at 6:28 pm
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      True! thanks for sharing with us Jorjana 🙂

      Reply
  • December 23, 2019 at 9:12 pm
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    Hi Jini
    Why are we here, but to help one another? I’ve learned so much from you, about horses, about how you communicate with them (although I have none in my life). Most of all just watching your horses (sometimes the same video repeatedly), soothes me so much, I can’t tell you. I’m so grateful.
    Karleen
    P.s. I’d like to donate $5/month but cannot access this amount on your website. I keep getting the $1/month option. I wonder what am I doing wrong?

    Reply
    • January 6, 2020 at 8:51 pm
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      That’s wonderful Karleen – do you have a favorite video or two?

      For the donation you have to click the UP Arrow next to the Quantity box, until it shows “5”.
      Then you click the blue UPDATE text underneath. And THANK YOU that is SO sweet of you!! So it should look like this:

      here it is:

      Reply
  • December 25, 2019 at 5:42 pm
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    Dear Jini,
    I like to go back to the source, in this case Romans 8:28. “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love G-d, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” As I began writing this my 17 year-old dog, Willow, is racing around, smiling and running in joyful circles. I believe this time is a call to a greater and stronger relationship with the Devine for all. They build Their wisdom in us one precept upon another. As your writing suggests it can bes damn hard to discern which voice is Theirs. But since I believe They manifest in all matter, They are everywhere all the time. This Mystery, this expansive no thing and everything wants to be here with us. Anyway,
    It crossed my mind several times during these last several months, “How are they ever supporting this financially?” I am a follower on line, someone you’ve never met. I thought it was none of my business. But, you’ve been able to touch my life and my granddaughter also.
    And then, when I wondered, I failed to understand and shrugged it off when I should have stopped immediately asking for wisdom, to create space for the Devine’s working in our hearts. I am so sorry for not listening and acting.
    I have been wanting to get a welsh pony. Notice the I. But, there are so many road blocks…. physical and financial, and no land. So many of this same road blocks you’re experiencing. And I have to laugh….. my answer has been there all along…..it is to send what little help to you that I can. I get a big YES from the Universe. I can send $$$ to you, I can continue to be inspired by your journey, I can continue to see Montaro in my minds eye. May many others who are connected respond. Be peace and joy and look into the eyes of The Lover of your life. I believe you are called.

    Reply
    • January 6, 2020 at 9:04 pm
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      I adore that Claudia: “The Lover of your life”
      There’s something exquisitely beautiful in that phrasing.

      And I’m very touched and also honored by the way the horses have blessed you (and will continue to bless you). And yes, ALL things work together for good.

      I would not give up your desire/hope for a pony though. I would learn from my process and state your desire clearly to the Devine – but also your parameters. What are the non-negotiable elements you MUST have in place first?

      And then of course also be open to this as a process of *trusting* at a new level. Or perhaps ‘agreeing to chaos’ as a means to advance your resilience, or growth, or trust, etc.

      Or perhaps there is a Welsh pony waiting for you at a rescue or sanctuary somewhere? Where you don’t need to take financial responsibility, but rather emotional and physical (time, labor) responsibility for his care?

      Do not be hasty to give up your desire/yearning – that is something us women are very good at doing 😉

      Of course, the herd and I deeply appreciate any money (energy) you wish to give to them, but not at the cost of your own heart’s desire. BIG hugs from all of us xoxo

      Reply
  • December 28, 2019 at 9:08 pm
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    23 years ago I took my son to a therapeutic riding program. Because he couldn’t talk, I just had to trust. Over many years he learned words and thoughts, but what is in his “file” is not always available to him. Recently my son and I developed identical IBD problems and are both being treated for colitis. We decided to pay a visit to the ranch after I found your channel. We went in the paddock where there stood a very old horse. I later learned that he is 30 years old. My son immediately recognized him as his therapy horse from when he was four years old, but I did not believe it! He had very bad legs and a (noisy) digestive problem. We talked about our problem “just like his.” We both told him how sorry we were, but how thankful we were for his service, then stood there in silence. Suddenly he made a puff! He recognized my son!!! Then he purposely led us to the saddle up area! I was speechless! He stood there looking at us, like, come on! (I was afraid he would fall just getting there.) But he wanted to share his heart with us. How many children had he met in the interim 23 years? Really? So we brushed him until he shined, and said goodbye. My son had so much confidence around him. I looked in an old scrap book at home, and sure enough, there he was with my son learning to ride, and the volunteers leading him. It really was him. I had trusted him so long ago. And he never forgot.

    Reply
    • January 6, 2020 at 9:18 pm
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      What an incredible story/experience Karen! Truly remarkable and thank you so much for sharing it with us 🙂

      Did you also know that I healed myself of widespread Crohn’s and have spent the last 20 years teaching other people how to heal their guts using natural methods? Please go get my free Gut Guide at:

      http://www.ListenToYourGut.com

      Or use the HOME REMEDIES section on the site if there’s anything in particular troubling you or your son.

      Has your son watched any of my horse videos? I’d love to know what he thinks of them, or if any in particular catch his interest…

      p.s. Sorry for the delayed reply, I was away in Mexico and just got back

      Reply

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